EXCLUSIVE: Ten Easy Steps Toward Making Andrew Luck a Dolphin

18 Jan

The Bottlenose presents…
TEN EASY STEPS TOWARD MAKING ANDREW LUCK A DOLPHIN

We’ve crunched the numbers, we’ve made the phone calls, we’ve cracked the code. These are the ten steps we must complete to secure the first pick in the 2012 draft.

STEP 1
If your Head Coach takes zero chances, and has pretty much watched his entire team quit on him to close out his second consecutive losing season, give that man a raise. DONE

STEP 2
If you lose an offensive coordinator, find the guy who’s run the perhaps the worst offense in the NFL over the last two years, and hire him as a replacement. DONE

STEP 3
If you’ve got a mediocre tight end, give him a lucrative extension instead of the nose tackle who heroically anchors the line of your elite defense, and is about to enter free agency. DONE

STEP 4
Draft zero offensive skill players in 2011. Again. PENDING

STEP 5
Name Chad “Fra-gi-le, Must Be Italian” Pennington your 2011 starter. PENDING

STEP 6
Replace Vernon Carey’s secret twinkie supply with two secret twinkie supplies. Vern’ won’t ask any questions, and adding 30 more offseason pounds will officially make him the world’s biggest turnstile. This will give defensive ends a clear shot at Pennington’s good shoulder, and by “good shoulder” we of course mean the one still attached to his torso. PENDING

STEP 7
In a desperate attempt to create the next Vick-esque comeback story, convince Hendry Correctional Facility to parole Cecil “The Diesel” Collins three years early for work release as our new starting tailback. Sure he’s 34 now, but fresh legs baby. Fresh. Legs. PENDING

STEP 8
The Brandon Swap. Name Brandon Marshall our punter, and Brandon Fields our #1 wideout. Crazy? Maybe. We say just crazy enough to work. PENDING

STEP 9
Call a Hail Mary. On every play. PENDING

STEP 10
Only four players on the field at a time. Worked in ‘Hoosiers’, didn’t it? PENDING

We’ve already got a three step head start on this plan. Now it’s simply up to the powers that be to follow the rest of the blueprint and make the Luck pick a reality. We can do this, if we just don’t try hard enough.

GO DOLPHINS! And feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

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12 Responses to “EXCLUSIVE: Ten Easy Steps Toward Making Andrew Luck a Dolphin”

  1. Mark January 18, 2011 at 7:12 am #

    Call a Hail Mary? Are you crazy? Too risky? I’d rather go to OT against a potent Green Bay offense.

    • danewen January 18, 2011 at 7:22 am #

      Don’t kid yourself. You and I both know that Hail Mary would have been batted around eight times before Charles Woodson intercepted it, emerged from the crowd of sixteen players, and returned it 107 yards for the game winner. Happens all the time.

  2. corners January 18, 2011 at 7:17 am #

    Id like Luck and the 1st pick also, but at what cost? What players will get hurt or leave this horrible team if we come in last next year? Not sure if its worth it.

    Who wants to come to a horrible team as a fa? Im all set being the raiders or lions or rams every year. Look at all those top picks over the last decade and a half.

    • danewen January 18, 2011 at 7:25 am #

      We’re not going to come in last. Too much talent on defense, and even a few ballers on offense. To get Luck it’s gonna take a 2-14 season. Thanks for stopping by The Bottlenose.

  3. forzaitalia January 18, 2011 at 7:54 am #

    What’s the negative inference on the “Chad-“Fra-gi-le, Must Be Italian” Pennington? Come to New Jersey I’ll show you how fragile I am? You must be red-neck.

    • danewen January 18, 2011 at 8:01 am #

      You’ve got me all wrong, my man. Movie reference from ‘A Christmas Story’. No disrespect.

    • Chappy January 18, 2011 at 8:25 am #

      You must obnoxious loud mouth yankee italian. Yo, Joey Baggadonuts It’s a reference to a movie you whiny knucklehead.

      Love the article WE CAN DO IT!

      • forzaitalia January 18, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

        Didn’t know the movie, you jack wagon. I watched the movie clip and the line is not so funny. Im not a loud mouth so go back to making love to your livestock. I do apologize to danewen because it wasnt an ethnic insult.

  4. Padre Jim January 18, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

    Don’t forget to run the wildcat on all 3rd and 10 . Especially, if the QB gets a hot hand!

    • danewen January 18, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

      Oooh, good one. And empty backfields on 3rd and short, to completely take the threat of a run off the table.

  5. jETS January 18, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    Just wanted to come by and say hi to the 3rd place team in our division.

    JETS are in the title game for the second straight year!!!!!

    ANY DOLPHIN (“DULL”-PHIN) FAN WHO WANTS TO JOIN THE JETS PARADE TO THE SUPER BOWL, PLEASE INQUIRE WITHIN. YOU CAN SUPPORT A WINNER FOR A CHANGE. –NO TEN STEPS REQUIRED….ONLY ONE STEP….TAKE A SHOWER, SHAVE, GET A COLLEGE EDUCATION AND WE WELCOME YOU.

    JETS 4-1 in playoffs in 2009 and 2010…Dolphins 0-0…..

    Sparano should open a Pizza shop in South Beach and get out of football. Dolphins are a joke. Let’s go for another FG…..STEP 1.

    Bow your heads to the masters of football you pesants….worship us as your leaders.

    JETS JETS JETS

    • danewen January 18, 2011 at 6:40 pm #

      Shouldn’t you be out riding on some fireman’s shoulders or something?

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