The Fibbing Fin: Brandon Fields Speaks Out About Restless Leg Syndrome

3 Aug

– HIALEAH, FL

Brandon Fields stares at himself in the bathroom mirror of his studio apartment above Sedano’s Supermarket, a lone tear rolling down his cheek. He has suffered in silence with a leg that twitches constantly, often depriving him of sleep, or ruining dates with his fiance’, Hooters girl Gordita Tannenbaum.  Fields is putting that silence to an end.

“I had never had a problem before,” Fields explains, rubbing aloe vera plants on his kneecaps. “We just kept punting, over and over. Soon my leg couldn’t sit still, whether on game day or not. It got so bad that I was punting in my sleep.” He covers his face. “One night I sleep-punted Gordita onto the dresser.”

Fields was content to suffer in private, ’til one day he was approached at an Arby’s by Dr. Humphrey LeCroix of the Crandon Park Restless Leg Foundation (CPRLF). “He had the classic signs,” LeCroix explains. “He was skittering through the dining room like MC Hammer. And the circles under his eyes stretched all the way down to his neck. Just awful.”

Humphrey implored Fields to attend a support group at the Foundation. The long-suffering punter was surprised to see a familiar face in the meeting, placekicker Dan Carpenter. “Dan just walked up, and held me,” Fields explains, his eyes welling up.

Carpenter had been diagnosed two months earlier, with a stage nine case of RLS also brought about by overuse by Head Coach Tony Sparano. “I’m a fighter,” Carpenter explains. “My parents battled razor bumps for years, so I knew how to dig in for this war.”

Now Carpenter and Fields have joined forces to form KOMDWRWTSTILFGPSGTIR, or Kickers On the Miami Dolphins Who Really Want the Team to Score Touchdowns Instead Of Long Field Goals or Punts, Seriously Guys This Is Ridiculous. Their first fundraiser earned over $1,100, and a write-up on Carpenter’s nephew’s blog.

No matter how this fight ends, this dynamic duo is planning on kicking RLS education into high gear. Owner Stephen Ross has joined the effort, agreeing to fit mascot T.D. with a “Restless Fin” during home games to promote awareness.

– BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

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