Ten Predictions for the Dolphins on ‘Hard Knocks’

6 Aug

Tomorrow night it finally arrives. Dolfans will get an intense and in depth look behind the scenes in Davie. The Bottlenose couldn’t be more excited. A new coach, trying to change the culture of the team. A young gunslinger, making noise immediately. Ocho Soundbyte-o. What more could we ask for? Well, we’ve compiled our list of ten predictions for this televised jaunt into the secret life of the SoFlo Sea Mammals.

10) Interrupting a Kanye and Kardashian sailing trip through the Keys, a shirtless Reggie Bush swims out to sea, climbs on board and presents her with his last rose.

9) Must see TV as, during a riveting fourteen seconds during episode three, cameras capture Chad Ochocinco not talking.

8) Desperate, the team holds open tryouts for wide receiver help. Somehow a 66-year old Vince Papale makes the 53-man roster.

7) Kicker Dan Carpenter is mistaken for Sean Bean and flown to Northern Ireland to star in ‘Game of Thrones’

6) Pulling a “reverse-Sparano”, stressed Head Coach Joe Philbin gains 78lbs binge-eating at Joe’s Stone Crab, leading to a tearful intervention before he’s flown to overeaters’ rehab in Malibu.

5) Fergie and J-Lo tear each other’s weaves out during Andy Cohen’s Minority Owners of the Miami Dolphins Reunion Episode

4) Inspired by Chad Ochocinco, several Dolphins change their names, including Iko Iko Naanee, Punch You In The Face Incognito, and Ray Middlefeinga

3) In an attempt to “up the crazy” after the departure of Brandon Marshall, Mormon long snapper John Denney burns down his house and stabs the UPS man with a broken vase.

2) A triumphant GM Jeff Ireland, accompanied by the camera crew, three Miami-Dade police officers and reggae band Inner Circle playing ‘Bad Boys’ live, busts a prostitution ring that includes Dez Bryant’s mother.

1) Unexpected love triangle between Ryan Tannehill, his wife Lauren, and Paul Soliai, who eventually wins her heart with a tear-jerking rendition of Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s Somewhere Over the Rainbow at midfield during halftime of the preseason tilt with Tampa Bay.

Happy viewing, Dolphin Nation! And feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

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