The Fibbing Fin: Pop Star Fergie Fires 0.2% of Tony Sparano

– DAVIE, FL

In a surprising move, singer and Miami Dolphins minority owner Fergie has fired one-fifth of one percent of Head Coach Tony Sparano.

“It was, like, a no-brainer or whatever,” Fergie explained, looking at her reflection in a spoon at popular Coral Gables eatery Fontana’s.  “He kept like kicking the ball and like not trying to get past the orange thingie when it had a four on it. And like, every time I go to Sunkist (sic) Stadium the other team has like more points. FML, right?”

Fergie was only authorized to fire a small fraction of Sparano, unlike Stephen Ross, who nearly fired 97.4% of the coach last winter.

Sparano caught wind of the partial firing as he prepared his team for a Sunday tilt with the Browns in Cleveland. An emotional Sparano addressed the team post-practice.

“Sure, the chips are down. But I stand in front of you still 99.8% employed by the Miami Dolphins. I pledge to give you guys my all, minus the 1/500th of me that will be moving on,” Sparano told his men, tears pouring from beneath his mirrored shades and drenching his newly svelte body.

The team seemed to rally around Sparano, though several anonymous players said they were only 32% sure about that. As of press time the fired portion of Tony Sparano was scheduled to interview with the Arena Football League’s New Orleans Voodoo for a Halftime Entertainment Coordinator position.

Ironically The Blackeyed Peas are already scheduled to play at four Voodoo home games.

– BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Fergie gets it started, Csonka-style.

Post-Week 1 Stock Report: Monday Night Fish Filet Has Plenty of Silver Lining

DOW (Dolphins Overall Worth) after the SoFlo Sea Mammals’ opening loss to the Patsies: 461 (+7)

How in the world does a team give up over 600 yards of total offense while losing to a division rival at home and still somehow post a gain in the DOW? Well, though it was an epic fail, Miami was not the first team to find themselves sliced and diced by Tom Brady. When you lay out the negative against the positive, we think the good outweighs the bad by a hair.

ON THE RISE

CHAD HENNE (NYSE: CHENN) +13:  Okay, so some of it was situational, but a 400+ day passing is nothing to sneeze at. Factor in his rushing stats and Chad was a one man wrecking crew. We loved seeing Chad with the power to audible. It seems to have boosted his confidence in a major way. The 4th down fade to Hartline was a joke, but overall we were impressed. Sad that he notched a pick at the end of the game, when forced to launch the ball into quadruple coverage. This game was a big step for Chad. Those who bought shares this offseason see a nice spike in value.

BRANDON MARSHALL (NYSE: BMARSH) +8:  7 catches for 139 yards. At times Brandon Marshall may be the least coverable receiver in football. There were a couple of chemistry glitches with Henne, but not enough to put a damper on another strong performance by “The Beast” after another tumultuous offseason. Not the most stable stock on the market, but a solid performer.

REGGIE BUSH (NYSE: REGBU) +5:  The ex-Heisman winner logged 20 touches on the night, for a touchdown and almost 100 yards. More importantly, and knock on wood, he didn’t leave the field on a stretcher. Kudos to Bush for his hard work this offseason. He deserves to stay healthy. Adding REGBU to your portfolio can pay serious dividends, so long as he can avoid injury.

BRIAN DABOLL (NASDAQ: BOLL) +4: Brian coordinated like a man who doesn’t want to get fired again. 400 yards passing, with 100 yards rushing. We mixed it up well, and got a lot of receivers involved. This offense is still a work in progress, but they did more than pull their weight against the Patsies, unlike their defensive counterparts.

TUMBLERS

MIAMI’S ENTIRE DEFENSE (NYSE: MIADF) -13: Benny Sapp was chopped after personally giving up 160 yards and 2 TDs, but this was an egg laid by pretty much the entire defensive unit. The no-huddle offense completely stupefied our D. Claims that our cornerbacks were the best in the league are now a faint memory. Vontae and Sean need to fight now just to get back to respectability. New England ran well against our line, and Paul “The Mad Islander” Soliai, who has designs on a mega-deal. This unit needs to show some pride on Sunday. They’re better than this.

TONY SPARANO (NYSE: TSPAR) -6: This guy’s seat has been hot since winter when he was nearly pink slipped. So though there were high points, every loss nudges him closer to the unemployment line. Tony has got to win some games, especially at Sun Life, where we managed just one victory in 2010. We’re avoiding this one. The Dolphins have lost five of six at this point. A few more losses and TSPAR could be in the penny stock bin.

MIKE NOLAN (NASDAQ: MNOL) -5: Once in a blue moon even the masters get schooled. Mike had no answer for Brady. We tried to drop guys into coverage, it didn’t work. We tried bringing the house with mixed results. Tom was flawless. We’re not downgrading Nolan hugely yet, as #12 has made lots of good defensive coordinators look silly over the years. We don’t believe we saw the real Miami Dolphins defense on Monday night, and we look forward to much stronger performances moving forward. This remains one of the steadiest coordinator stocks around over the long term.

SUMMARY

Two plays. A weak fade to Hartline on a 4th and short at the goal line, followed by a 99.5 yard touchdown to Wes “Why in the Hell Did We Trade that Guy?” Welker. Those two plays were a 14 point swing in what ended up being a 14-point game. Our inability to score the rock haunted us all year in 2010. When we needed to score most on Monday to keep pace with Brady and his boys, the same red zone problems popped up.  The good news? It wasn’t like that all game. This offense showed a spark in game one that we don’t remember seeing once last season.

Here’s hoping that the Sea Mammals can shake this one off. It was at times humiliating. On the flip side, we were within striking distance almost all game, and with fifteen games still facing our beloved boys in aqua and coral we’re going to stay positive.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Dolphins Thin Yet Gigantic at Running Back

SIZE AND 40 TIMES OF MIAMI’S CURRENT RUNNING BACK STABLE

Reggie Bush 203lbs, 4.33

Daniel Thomas 230lbs, 4.61

Lex Hilliard 240lbs, 4.65

Charles Clay 245lbs, 4.69

We love the Reggie Bush signing, but the man has missed over 20 games thus far in his career, including half of last season. You never want to hear the words “microfracture surgery” in the same sentence as your top-shelf running back. Bush is a true talent, and he will allow Chad Henne’s short-game to suddenly become dangerous. But notice something about the list above?

If #22 goes down we might find ourselves in Fullback City. Though Long has been injured, has the play of our offensive line inspired confidence that a slower, big back will consistently find daylight? Aside from Bush our RB corps averages 238lbs with a 4.65 time in the dash.

It’s just a little something that jumps out at us on the current depth chart. This team was in desperate need of big plays last season. Adding Bush can certainly help to reverse that, and there may still be some roster moves in the works. However, as it stands the rest of the backfield could put us at square one if something big and hairy happens to the electric Bush.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Experts Pick Miami to Finish Fifth in AFC East

ESPN’s Trey Wingo has joined the chorus of football minds picking the Dolphins to finish behind the Patriots, Jets and Bills this season. However, Wingo believes Miami will be so horrific that the league will be forced to place an imaginary team into fourth place, while leaving the SoFlo Sea Mammals in fifth.

“I just don’t see the Dolphins finishing higher than fifth,” explains Wingo. “I mean sure they have a top six defense, led by one of the best coordinators of all time. And yeah, they’ve got a franchise left tackle, a beastly wideout, and probably the best pass catching back in football. But I mean come on, the Dolphins are awful. Everyone knows that. Right?”

As of Wednesday morning several experts agreed that the Dolphins would finish “no better than fifth” in the AFC East. The Football Writers Association of America, or FWAA, issued a press release confirming that all but three of their members agree that the 2011 Dolphins will be “the worst professional sports team to ever wear cleats”. That included all baseball and soccer teams in recorded history.

Members of the NFL Rules Committee have flatly denied the possibility that Miami could finish fifth out of four teams, claiming it is a matter of basic math. However, Commissioner Goodell would not comment on the fourth slot in the division being awarded to a fictitious team, such as the “Syracuse Vampire Bats”, or the “Ocala Shi*stompers”, for the sole purpose of emphasizing how simply awful the Dolphins are.

CBS Sports’ Pete Prisco piled on late Wednesday afternoon, predicting that the Dolphins would somehow lose nineteen games.

– BS NEWSWIRE

The Fibbing Fin: Revis’ Swagger Stolen, DB Suspects Vontae Davis

All Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis has hired investigators to track down three gallons of swagger that disappeared from the defensive back’s luggage during a summer visit in South Florida.

“I went to Miami to work out with Vontae Davis and his boys. Next thing I know he and that tall guy are claiming to be the best cornerback tandem in the NFL.” Revis shakes his head. “They got their hands on some swagger from somewhere. You tell me what happened.”

Davis denies any wrongdoing. “I developed this swagger in the fifth grade,” the Miami cornerback claims. “I started talking smack to my teachers, knocking notes down when kids tried to pass them.”

Davis’ grade school Principal, R.J. Butterflood explains, “We didn’t know what had gotten into Vontae. Then our guidance counselor found a scientist in Denmark who had isolated the swagger gene.” Butterflood smiles proudly, “Turns out that kid had a sh** ton of natural swagger.”

Davis dropped Revis at Miami International Airport after the combined Jets-Dolphins workouts, and claims to have seen the aforementioned swagger in Revis’ luggage. That is exactly when Revis believes the swagger-lifting took place. Davis has denied the charges, claiming that said swagger was lost or stolen in transport.

American Airlines has denied any responsibility, even reprimanding Revis for packing it in the first place. “It clearly states in our guidelines, no flammable materials, no explosives, no liquids over four ounces, no weapons or cutting implements of any kind, and absolutely no swagger.”

An uncorked barrel of swagger caused the emergency landing of a Southwest 737 last February.

–

BS NEWSWIRE

 

Halfway Through Preseason – State of the Dolphins

Just a handful of thoughts, mixed with musings, peppered with observations, as we now stand just 21 days from opening night against the Patsies.

*One bad game, one solid one. Welcome to Henne-ssee. To be fair, Chad didn’t have a whole lot of first string weaponry out there against the Falcons. It looks like the plan is to keep the game in the first twenty yards of the field for him. Dumps, slants, quick outs. Probably a good idea, as Henne hasn’t shown much touch on the deep ball. So, why try and force a square peg into a round hole? Henne is better at these throws. Spread the field, and nickel and dime defenses to death. Marshall is great after the catch. Bess is a slot guy, and money in that first ten yards of space. And Reggie Bush? Well, there aren’t many guys who can consistently turn screens into twenty-yarders. A great addition to allow the Dolphins to still move the ball without much of a vertical passing game. Our fear is that we’ll be wasting Clyde Gates, a guy who could end up blowing past DBs forty yards down the field, mostly for his own cardiovascular health.

*And how about that Reggie Bush guy? By all accounts he’s been working his de-Heismaned tail off, staying late, even attending O-line meetings. He looked fantastic in his Dolphin debut. He ran fast, which we expected. But Bush ran tough as well. The question is how many carries can #22 handle? Daniel Thomas will provide valuable snaps to keep Reggie from being overworked, but our team will simply be better when Reggie is on the field. Striking that balance will be important, because if he ends up on the trainer’s table, points will be a lot harder to come by.

*The Kevin Burnett signing was brilliant. KB has been all over the field, strong in every facet. I would put Dansby/Burnett side by side with the best ILB tandems in football. Our defense is rising, and was top 6 last season. But to build a truly dominant squad you can’t be complacent. So even though we had an almost exclusive offensive draft, and even though Channing Crowder was a solid player, we pounced on an upgrade. We’re excited to watch Mike Nolan do his thing with this crew. Odrick looks like a man out there. JT should provide some pass rush opposite Wake. Jimmy Wilson was a huge find. Get him on the field. Somewhere. He will make plays.

*I see us running left a lot. A whole lot. Long, Incognito, Pouncey. The right side of the line? Well, it hasn’t hit its stride just yet. Carey’s learning on the fly at RG. By the way, kudos to Big Vern for making a sacrifice to stay in Miami. A pay cut, voiding two years of his deal, and a move to a brand new position? Wow. Not many players would have rolled with that. Right tackle? Well? Murtha (which means “holding” in Gaelic)? Colombo? Garner? Not settled over on the that side. Our backs may have to do a lot of chipping over there to keep Henne on his feet. Reggie Bush, chip and release for screens, all day long.

*Do we really have four fullbacks? Daniel Thomas 230lbs, Lex Hilliard 240lbs, Charles Clay 240lbs, Lousaka Polite 245lbs. So maybe they’re not all technically fullbacks, but look at that beef! If Reggie Bush goes down we’ve got a stable of bruisers sporting 4.63 40s. Three yards and a cloud of dust, baby. If Clay’s blocking is up to par, we think we should politely send Lousaka packing. This team needs big plays. Speed. To keep a redundant fullback on the roster instead of a guy like Livas would be hindering our big play ability. Livas would get 70 attempts as a KR/PR. There’s potential for a serious impact. Compare that to the potential impact of a second fullback. Exactly. We hope the Dolphins honor the importance of the return game. Livas needs to pop another big one soon to remind everyone just what he brings to the table.

*Daboll was fired. Sparano was half-fired. If Tony’s ever going to start going for it on 4th and short, it’s this season. If Brian is going to do whatever it takes to put points on the board, it’s this season. They are both in danger of entering Assistant Coach Purgatory. Or worse, Coaching at Somewhere Like Portland State Purgatory. They may not be flashy, or have the most impressive resumes, but we will get the best out of Tony and Brian. Their careers depend on it. Circumstances should dictate a sizable increase in testicular fortitude as far as Tony’s kick-happy ways are concerned.  There are a couple of riverboat gamblers on top of our division in Rex and Bill. We’ve got to put our stones on the table if we want to compete. So far I like what Daboll is drawing up, working to Henne’s strengths. Our offense doesn’t need to be the Saints, but if Brian can return us to the middle of the scoring pack, we’ll be in the mix.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Top Ten Things We Want to See Tonight

10. A sack for Jason Taylor, followed by a wicked Fox Trot celebration dance.

9. No passes under 12 yards for Chad Henne. None. He throws one checkdown and we waive him!

8. Reggie Bush takes a draw play 58 yards for the score, then reveals Kim Kardashian portrait tattoo during third quarter interview. 

7. No dropped interceptions. 19 of ‘em last year.  If our D wants to take the next step, we can’t botch those.

6. Phillip Livas takes a kick return the distance, literally leaving a vapor trail. Yes, he’s our man crush, but he won’t make this team if he doesn’t prove that he’s Dante Hall in a wig.

5. A disciplined Paul Soliai, angling for an extension, blows through the line, snaps Michael Turner in half, but resists the temptation to eat him.

4. Cameron Wake receives a new contract at halftime, after racking up five sacks on twelve plays.  

3. Chemistry between Henne and Marshall, namely trust on Chad’s part. He throws it up and lets #19 go get it. He’s called The Beast for a reason.

2. No injuries. No sprains, no breaks, no tears. Not even a hangnail.

1. Our first opportunity to play the NFL’s new drinking game, Touchback Tequila (Touchback Tecate for you beer drinkers out there). Take a swig every time a kickoff sails through the uprights.

Football is here! GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Brandon Fields Speaks Out About Restless Leg Syndrome

– HIALEAH, FL

Brandon Fields stares at himself in the bathroom mirror of his studio apartment above Sedano’s Supermarket, a lone tear rolling down his cheek. He has suffered in silence with a leg that twitches constantly, often depriving him of sleep, or ruining dates with his fiance’, Hooters girl Gordita Tannenbaum.  Fields is putting that silence to an end.

“I had never had a problem before,” Fields explains, rubbing aloe vera plants on his kneecaps. “We just kept punting, over and over. Soon my leg couldn’t sit still, whether on game day or not. It got so bad that I was punting in my sleep.” He covers his face. “One night I sleep-punted Gordita onto the dresser.”

Fields was content to suffer in private, ’til one day he was approached at an Arby’s by Dr. Humphrey LeCroix of the Crandon Park Restless Leg Foundation (CPRLF). “He had the classic signs,” LeCroix explains. “He was skittering through the dining room like MC Hammer. And the circles under his eyes stretched all the way down to his neck. Just awful.”

Humphrey implored Fields to attend a support group at the Foundation. The long-suffering punter was surprised to see a familiar face in the meeting, placekicker Dan Carpenter. “Dan just walked up, and held me,” Fields explains, his eyes welling up.

Carpenter had been diagnosed two months earlier, with a stage nine case of RLS also brought about by overuse by Head Coach Tony Sparano. “I’m a fighter,” Carpenter explains. “My parents battled razor bumps for years, so I knew how to dig in for this war.”

Now Carpenter and Fields have joined forces to form KOMDWRWTSTILFGPSGTIR, or Kickers On the Miami Dolphins Who Really Want the Team to Score Touchdowns Instead Of Long Field Goals or Punts, Seriously Guys This Is Ridiculous. Their first fundraiser earned over $1,100, and a write-up on Carpenter’s nephew’s blog.

No matter how this fight ends, this dynamic duo is planning on kicking RLS education into high gear. Owner Stephen Ross has joined the effort, agreeing to fit mascot T.D. with a “Restless Fin” during home games to promote awareness.

– BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Dolphins Sign Undrafted 40-year-old Brockelman

GM Jeff Ireland made a huge splash Monday, outbidding several teams for undrafted free agent administrator Mark “Bang Bang” Brockelman. The Missouri product checks in at just 5’9″ 182lbs, but makes up for his lack of size with quickness, tenacity, and almost twenty years of experience in cost analysis and accounting.  

“We had a fourth round grade on the guy,” Ireland explains. “He’s not stopwatch fast, but put him in the contained space of a conference room and your numbers are as good as crunched.”

The Dolphins expect Brockelman to immediately start at Senior VP/Chief Financial and Administrative Officer for the Miami Dolphins and Sun Life Stadium, though he could slide to right tackle if needed.

Brockelman is represented by Drew Rosenhaus and Master P.

- BS NEWSWIRE

Tony Sparano, Gutless Coaching 101

The Miami Dolphins went for it on 4th down ten times last season. That may sound like a respectable number, but it was good for 28th in the NFL.

A look at the specific situations reveals that eight of those attempts were absolutely necessary, during desperation time. The ninth attempt? A 4th and 1 against Detroit, the week we had been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

Which leaves us with one glorious attempt, in the 3rd quarter against Green Bay. Again, another 4th and 1 (if we needed more than 36″ on 4th down, Tony kicked it 100% of the time). Of course “The Mad Fistpumper” followed this bold move by refusing to attempt the game winning Hail Mary at the end of regulation, apparently out of fear that Charles Woodson would intercept it, emerge from a ten player pileup, then scamper 104 yards for the winning score.

No coach in the NFL allowed more drives to stall than Tony. Dan Carpenter led the NFL with eight attempts from 50+. Carpenter also led the league with 18 attempts from 40-49 yards. He completed the triple play by leading the league with 41 tries overall (the most attempts by a team in five seasons). Over forty times we reached enemy territory and folded without a six-pointer.

In our opinion Sparano hasn’t earned his place on the hot seat (we think it’s still plenty hot, despite the extension) simply by losing. He’s also become the poster boy for not playing to win.

Perhaps the recent staff overhaul will include a bigger set of cojones for Tony? 

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose