THE OWNER (Ballad of Stephen Ross) – by Kenny Rogers

On a January day,
A team bound for nowhere,
Laid an egg in Foxboro,
It was a hell of a mess.
And The Owner got the feeling,
The players had stopped listening,
He headed out to San Fran’,
And so did the press.

He was meeting with a kid,
Who’d done real well at Stanford,
He’d shake hands with a coach then,
Shove him outta the way,
But the kid stayed put in NoCal,
And left The Owner hangin’,
And with another mess he,
Had to make okay,

CHORUS:
You got to know when to hire ‘em,
Know when to fire ‘em,
Know when to sign a guy,
When to make him cry,
You never give an extension,
When you’re in a downward spiral,
When the locker room is lost y’all,
It’s time to say goodbye.

Every owner knows that the secret to survivin’,
Is knowing who to pink slip,
And who to give a raise,
‘Cause every team’s a winner,
And every team’s a loser,
And the one who makes the difference,
Is the dude who calls the plays.

CHORUS

When he got home to Miami,
The Owner he turned yellow,
Called off the coaching search,
Gave raises out of fear,
He didn’t call up Chucky,
Or send a plane for Cowher,
He knew Fergie and some field goals,
Would make the Dolfans cheer.

CHORUS

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Indianapolis Shouldn’t Be So Lucky

Wait, wait, wait. So the Indianapolis Colts may go from a Hall of Famer to a future Hall of Famer in the blink of an eye? 

Peyton Manning’s injury may be more of a pain in the neck than we realized. We could wind up 1-15, and who might still be picking ahead of us in April? Why only one of the winningest franchises of the last decade.

Don’t get us wrong. We aren’t advocating intentional losses, as some of the most vociferous Suck for Luckers are. However, if our lackluster play continues and the Dolphins go belly up, it would be downright criminal for the Colts to land Andrew Luck.

Quite simply, we have earned that pick. Mr. Luck has been bought and paid for with every failed starter we’ve burned through since Saint Marino removed his storied cleats. It’s a graveyard of signal callers, Lucas, Harrington, Culpepper, Frerotte. We all know the parade of names on that sad graphic they show during every other Dolphins telecast. It’s become pigskin’s version of the Vietnam Wall.

By almost every scout’s estimation Luck would make that graphic a faint memory. But if the conveniently-bad Colts somehow out-suck the SoFlo Sea Mammals, here’s hoping Landry Jones is a hell of a consolation prize.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Go Ahead Brandon, Enter Beast Mode

Why should Brandon Marshall hold back? Why should any Dolphin hold back, after this 0-4 start? Marshall has made some interesting statements about going ballistic on Monday Night Football against the hated Jets. He’s even been working on his punting again in practice. Something may be simmering inside of #19, and as long as nobody is shot, stabbed, or given a Colombian Necktie, we say unleash the beast.

Still looking for our first win, and heading into enemy territory against perhaps the best cornerback tandem in football, we would love to see Marshall shake things up. The Beast can be monstrous, and he thrives on emotion. If it takes him flirting with anger mismanagement to get him rolling, go for broke, kid.

He is a phenomenal talent. Talk of trading him is short-sighted. He’s under contract through 2014, and he’d make a hell of a safety blanket for Andrew Luck, Landry Jones, Matt Flynn, or whoever takes the reins of this offense in 2012. You bring in a first year starter without a #1 wideout and you often wind up with Sam Bradford. That isn’t a knock on Sam. His targets are what they are.  

Of course with Marshall it’s a matter of harnessing that emotion just enough, so he’s not thrown out of the game, and/or costing us field position. But really, “Calm down, Brandon”? “Take it easy”? This team needs some fire. Who’s it going to come from, Anthony Fasano? Nah.

The fire we need may have to come from the team’s most flammable source.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Dolphins Sign Reporter Omar Kelly

– DAVIE, FL

The Miami Dolphins know talent when they see it, so when local beat reporter Omar Kelly pummeled linebacker Kevin Burnett while Tweeting the entire time, Jeff Ireland knew it was time to face up to his mistake.

After the loss in San Diego, Burnett had several choice words for Kelly, challenging him to put on pads and “come at me like a man”. However, officials intervened before it became physical. Not so Tuesday morning, when Kevin Burnett cornered the Kelly outside of the weight room before being beaten unconscious by the 35-year-old reporter/blogger/photographer/painter/seafood enthusiast.

“It was insane,” defensive lineman Igor Olshanksy explained as he prepared a traditional broiled peacock for the upcoming Yom Kippur weekend. “That guy Kelly worked him over for fifteen minutes. It was some no mercy stuff. And Omar was Tweeting about it the whole time, which made it all the more impressive.”

Indeed Kelly sent over three dozen Tweets during the fight, including “Fighting Kevin Burnett right now. SMH”, “Tupac is better than Biggie”, “Totally beating this dude up LMAO. I need a good mix tape”, and several references to Deuteronomy 23:1. Following the fight a curious Jeff Ireland put Kelly through a workout before signing him as an upgrade at middle linebacker.

The Dolphins have also planned a charity auction to sell a 10′ x 5′ depiction of the brawl, painted by Kelly during the fight.

– BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Bye Week a Two Point Favorite Over Dolphins

– LAS VEGAS, NV

A flurry of activity erupted at the Caesar’s Palace Sportsbook Monday morning, as oddsmakers made the Miami Dolphins two point underdogs to the bye week.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” visiting software developer Bindar Dundat said, on his way to place a bet. “Normally a bye week has no chance, but something tells me this is the year.”

Miami wideout Davone Bess seemed anxious via phone, as he saved orphans from a volcano in Bali. “We simply can’t lose this weekend. Seriously, we can’t. Right?”

Excitement for this weekend’s matchup has grown. NFL.com sold more bye week jerseys on Monday than in the last three months.

A bye week has never defeated an NFL team in a non-strike season.

BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Sparano Tears Both Rotator Cuffs After Carpenter Field Goal

Lost in Sunday’s horrific defeat at the hands of the Cleveland Browns was an unheard of double-rotator tear suffered by Tony Sparano during a fourth quarter field goal celebration.

“I’ve warned Tony in the past,” team trainer Gordon Lemming said. “I explained to him that field goals are often a sad consolation prize, indicative of an inability to finish the drill once you’re in the red zone.” Lemming shakes his head. “Hell, they taught us that in pre-med.”

However Tony’s jubilant celebrations kept coming, despite warnings from health care professionals and family. The overwhelming joy finally took its toll when Sparano tore both his left and right rotator cuffs in a six second span following the Dan Carpenter field goal that set Cleveland up for a winning touchdown drive.

Rehabilitation is expected to take six months. Miami Owner Stephen Ross is looking into his options, including placing Sparano on Injured Reserve, or the seldom used Pack Up Your Sh*t list (PUYS).

“It’s a shame, because Tony’s improved his physique tremendously since I’ve been working with him,” Lemming adds. As of press time Sparano had lost 277lbs through a combination of judo, low-carb dieting, and medical grade crystal meth.

Sunday’s incident presents Ross with the unique opportunity to fire a Head Coach with an injury settlement.

– BS NEWSWIRE

The Fibbing Fin: Pop Star Fergie Fires 0.2% of Tony Sparano

– DAVIE, FL

In a surprising move, singer and Miami Dolphins minority owner Fergie has fired one-fifth of one percent of Head Coach Tony Sparano.

“It was, like, a no-brainer or whatever,” Fergie explained, looking at her reflection in a spoon at popular Coral Gables eatery Fontana’s.  “He kept like kicking the ball and like not trying to get past the orange thingie when it had a four on it. And like, every time I go to Sunkist (sic) Stadium the other team has like more points. FML, right?”

Fergie was only authorized to fire a small fraction of Sparano, unlike Stephen Ross, who nearly fired 97.4% of the coach last winter.

Sparano caught wind of the partial firing as he prepared his team for a Sunday tilt with the Browns in Cleveland. An emotional Sparano addressed the team post-practice.

“Sure, the chips are down. But I stand in front of you still 99.8% employed by the Miami Dolphins. I pledge to give you guys my all, minus the 1/500th of me that will be moving on,” Sparano told his men, tears pouring from beneath his mirrored shades and drenching his newly svelte body.

The team seemed to rally around Sparano, though several anonymous players said they were only 32% sure about that. As of press time the fired portion of Tony Sparano was scheduled to interview with the Arena Football League’s New Orleans Voodoo for a Halftime Entertainment Coordinator position.

Ironically The Blackeyed Peas are already scheduled to play at four Voodoo home games.

– BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Fergie gets it started, Csonka-style.

Post-Week 1 Stock Report: Monday Night Fish Filet Has Plenty of Silver Lining

DOW (Dolphins Overall Worth) after the SoFlo Sea Mammals’ opening loss to the Patsies: 461 (+7)

How in the world does a team give up over 600 yards of total offense while losing to a division rival at home and still somehow post a gain in the DOW? Well, though it was an epic fail, Miami was not the first team to find themselves sliced and diced by Tom Brady. When you lay out the negative against the positive, we think the good outweighs the bad by a hair.

ON THE RISE

CHAD HENNE (NYSE: CHENN) +13:  Okay, so some of it was situational, but a 400+ day passing is nothing to sneeze at. Factor in his rushing stats and Chad was a one man wrecking crew. We loved seeing Chad with the power to audible. It seems to have boosted his confidence in a major way. The 4th down fade to Hartline was a joke, but overall we were impressed. Sad that he notched a pick at the end of the game, when forced to launch the ball into quadruple coverage. This game was a big step for Chad. Those who bought shares this offseason see a nice spike in value.

BRANDON MARSHALL (NYSE: BMARSH) +8:  7 catches for 139 yards. At times Brandon Marshall may be the least coverable receiver in football. There were a couple of chemistry glitches with Henne, but not enough to put a damper on another strong performance by “The Beast” after another tumultuous offseason. Not the most stable stock on the market, but a solid performer.

REGGIE BUSH (NYSE: REGBU) +5:  The ex-Heisman winner logged 20 touches on the night, for a touchdown and almost 100 yards. More importantly, and knock on wood, he didn’t leave the field on a stretcher. Kudos to Bush for his hard work this offseason. He deserves to stay healthy. Adding REGBU to your portfolio can pay serious dividends, so long as he can avoid injury.

BRIAN DABOLL (NASDAQ: BOLL) +4: Brian coordinated like a man who doesn’t want to get fired again. 400 yards passing, with 100 yards rushing. We mixed it up well, and got a lot of receivers involved. This offense is still a work in progress, but they did more than pull their weight against the Patsies, unlike their defensive counterparts.

TUMBLERS

MIAMI’S ENTIRE DEFENSE (NYSE: MIADF) -13: Benny Sapp was chopped after personally giving up 160 yards and 2 TDs, but this was an egg laid by pretty much the entire defensive unit. The no-huddle offense completely stupefied our D. Claims that our cornerbacks were the best in the league are now a faint memory. Vontae and Sean need to fight now just to get back to respectability. New England ran well against our line, and Paul “The Mad Islander” Soliai, who has designs on a mega-deal. This unit needs to show some pride on Sunday. They’re better than this.

TONY SPARANO (NYSE: TSPAR) -6: This guy’s seat has been hot since winter when he was nearly pink slipped. So though there were high points, every loss nudges him closer to the unemployment line. Tony has got to win some games, especially at Sun Life, where we managed just one victory in 2010. We’re avoiding this one. The Dolphins have lost five of six at this point. A few more losses and TSPAR could be in the penny stock bin.

MIKE NOLAN (NASDAQ: MNOL) -5: Once in a blue moon even the masters get schooled. Mike had no answer for Brady. We tried to drop guys into coverage, it didn’t work. We tried bringing the house with mixed results. Tom was flawless. We’re not downgrading Nolan hugely yet, as #12 has made lots of good defensive coordinators look silly over the years. We don’t believe we saw the real Miami Dolphins defense on Monday night, and we look forward to much stronger performances moving forward. This remains one of the steadiest coordinator stocks around over the long term.

SUMMARY

Two plays. A weak fade to Hartline on a 4th and short at the goal line, followed by a 99.5 yard touchdown to Wes “Why in the Hell Did We Trade that Guy?” Welker. Those two plays were a 14 point swing in what ended up being a 14-point game. Our inability to score the rock haunted us all year in 2010. When we needed to score most on Monday to keep pace with Brady and his boys, the same red zone problems popped up.  The good news? It wasn’t like that all game. This offense showed a spark in game one that we don’t remember seeing once last season.

Here’s hoping that the Sea Mammals can shake this one off. It was at times humiliating. On the flip side, we were within striking distance almost all game, and with fifteen games still facing our beloved boys in aqua and coral we’re going to stay positive.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Dolphins Thin Yet Gigantic at Running Back

SIZE AND 40 TIMES OF MIAMI’S CURRENT RUNNING BACK STABLE

Reggie Bush 203lbs, 4.33

Daniel Thomas 230lbs, 4.61

Lex Hilliard 240lbs, 4.65

Charles Clay 245lbs, 4.69

We love the Reggie Bush signing, but the man has missed over 20 games thus far in his career, including half of last season. You never want to hear the words “microfracture surgery” in the same sentence as your top-shelf running back. Bush is a true talent, and he will allow Chad Henne’s short-game to suddenly become dangerous. But notice something about the list above?

If #22 goes down we might find ourselves in Fullback City. Though Long has been injured, has the play of our offensive line inspired confidence that a slower, big back will consistently find daylight? Aside from Bush our RB corps averages 238lbs with a 4.65 time in the dash.

It’s just a little something that jumps out at us on the current depth chart. This team was in desperate need of big plays last season. Adding Bush can certainly help to reverse that, and there may still be some roster moves in the works. However, as it stands the rest of the backfield could put us at square one if something big and hairy happens to the electric Bush.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Revis’ Swagger Stolen, DB Suspects Vontae Davis

All Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis has hired investigators to track down three gallons of swagger that disappeared from the defensive back’s luggage during a summer visit in South Florida.

“I went to Miami to work out with Vontae Davis and his boys. Next thing I know he and that tall guy are claiming to be the best cornerback tandem in the NFL.” Revis shakes his head. “They got their hands on some swagger from somewhere. You tell me what happened.”

Davis denies any wrongdoing. “I developed this swagger in the fifth grade,” the Miami cornerback claims. “I started talking smack to my teachers, knocking notes down when kids tried to pass them.”

Davis’ grade school Principal, R.J. Butterflood explains, “We didn’t know what had gotten into Vontae. Then our guidance counselor found a scientist in Denmark who had isolated the swagger gene.” Butterflood smiles proudly, “Turns out that kid had a sh** ton of natural swagger.”

Davis dropped Revis at Miami International Airport after the combined Jets-Dolphins workouts, and claims to have seen the aforementioned swagger in Revis’ luggage. That is exactly when Revis believes the swagger-lifting took place. Davis has denied the charges, claiming that said swagger was lost or stolen in transport.

American Airlines has denied any responsibility, even reprimanding Revis for packing it in the first place. “It clearly states in our guidelines, no flammable materials, no explosives, no liquids over four ounces, no weapons or cutting implements of any kind, and absolutely no swagger.”

An uncorked barrel of swagger caused the emergency landing of a Southwest 737 last February.

–

BS NEWSWIRE