Indianapolis Shouldn’t Be So Lucky

Wait, wait, wait. So the Indianapolis Colts may go from a Hall of Famer to a future Hall of Famer in the blink of an eye? 

Peyton Manning’s injury may be more of a pain in the neck than we realized. We could wind up 1-15, and who might still be picking ahead of us in April? Why only one of the winningest franchises of the last decade.

Don’t get us wrong. We aren’t advocating intentional losses, as some of the most vociferous Suck for Luckers are. However, if our lackluster play continues and the Dolphins go belly up, it would be downright criminal for the Colts to land Andrew Luck.

Quite simply, we have earned that pick. Mr. Luck has been bought and paid for with every failed starter we’ve burned through since Saint Marino removed his storied cleats. It’s a graveyard of signal callers, Lucas, Harrington, Culpepper, Frerotte. We all know the parade of names on that sad graphic they show during every other Dolphins telecast. It’s become pigskin’s version of the Vietnam Wall.

By almost every scout’s estimation Luck would make that graphic a faint memory. But if the conveniently-bad Colts somehow out-suck the SoFlo Sea Mammals, here’s hoping Landry Jones is a hell of a consolation prize.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Go Ahead Brandon, Enter Beast Mode

Why should Brandon Marshall hold back? Why should any Dolphin hold back, after this 0-4 start? Marshall has made some interesting statements about going ballistic on Monday Night Football against the hated Jets. He’s even been working on his punting again in practice. Something may be simmering inside of #19, and as long as nobody is shot, stabbed, or given a Colombian Necktie, we say unleash the beast.

Still looking for our first win, and heading into enemy territory against perhaps the best cornerback tandem in football, we would love to see Marshall shake things up. The Beast can be monstrous, and he thrives on emotion. If it takes him flirting with anger mismanagement to get him rolling, go for broke, kid.

He is a phenomenal talent. Talk of trading him is short-sighted. He’s under contract through 2014, and he’d make a hell of a safety blanket for Andrew Luck, Landry Jones, Matt Flynn, or whoever takes the reins of this offense in 2012. You bring in a first year starter without a #1 wideout and you often wind up with Sam Bradford. That isn’t a knock on Sam. His targets are what they are.  

Of course with Marshall it’s a matter of harnessing that emotion just enough, so he’s not thrown out of the game, and/or costing us field position. But really, “Calm down, Brandon”? “Take it easy”? This team needs some fire. Who’s it going to come from, Anthony Fasano? Nah.

The fire we need may have to come from the team’s most flammable source.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Dolphins Adding Tebow to Ring of Honor

– DAVIE, FL

The Miami Dolphins have upped the ante for their week seven game against the Denver Broncos, announcing that they will be adding Tim Tebow to the team’s Ring of Honor at halftime.

“We know this isn’t normally how it works,” Owner Stephen Ross explained over a panda bacon and penguin egg breakfast. “But every time we announce another way to honor Tim Tebow we sell 5,000 more tickets. Premium seats too.”

In addition to the Ring of Honor induction, rumor has it that wideout Davone Bess will be stripped of his jersey so Tebow’s #15 can be retired by the team. 50,000 Tebow bobbleheads are being manufactured for the event. Additionally the Broncos’ signal-caller will be awarded every Dolphins team passing record, per special agreement with the NFL.

As of press time, a team of welders and sculptors were busily altering the statue of Dan Marino at Sun Life Stadium. “Fans shouldn’t worry,” Ross explained. “Dan Marino will still be featured on the statue, only now he’ll be groveling at Timmy’s feet.”

Head Coach Tony Sparano has agreed to punt on first down for the duration of the game, so as to maximize “Tebow Time”.

“It’s really no big deal,” Sparano explains. “My natural inclination is to punt on first down anyway.”

– BS NEWSWIRE

The Fibbing Fin: Dolphins Sign Reporter Omar Kelly

– DAVIE, FL

The Miami Dolphins know talent when they see it, so when local beat reporter Omar Kelly pummeled linebacker Kevin Burnett while Tweeting the entire time, Jeff Ireland knew it was time to face up to his mistake.

After the loss in San Diego, Burnett had several choice words for Kelly, challenging him to put on pads and “come at me like a man”. However, officials intervened before it became physical. Not so Tuesday morning, when Kevin Burnett cornered the Kelly outside of the weight room before being beaten unconscious by the 35-year-old reporter/blogger/photographer/painter/seafood enthusiast.

“It was insane,” defensive lineman Igor Olshanksy explained as he prepared a traditional broiled peacock for the upcoming Yom Kippur weekend. “That guy Kelly worked him over for fifteen minutes. It was some no mercy stuff. And Omar was Tweeting about it the whole time, which made it all the more impressive.”

Indeed Kelly sent over three dozen Tweets during the fight, including “Fighting Kevin Burnett right now. SMH”, “Tupac is better than Biggie”, “Totally beating this dude up LMAO. I need a good mix tape”, and several references to Deuteronomy 23:1. Following the fight a curious Jeff Ireland put Kelly through a workout before signing him as an upgrade at middle linebacker.

The Dolphins have also planned a charity auction to sell a 10′ x 5′ depiction of the brawl, painted by Kelly during the fight.

– BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Experts Pick Miami to Finish Fifth in AFC East

ESPN’s Trey Wingo has joined the chorus of football minds picking the Dolphins to finish behind the Patriots, Jets and Bills this season. However, Wingo believes Miami will be so horrific that the league will be forced to place an imaginary team into fourth place, while leaving the SoFlo Sea Mammals in fifth.

“I just don’t see the Dolphins finishing higher than fifth,” explains Wingo. “I mean sure they have a top six defense, led by one of the best coordinators of all time. And yeah, they’ve got a franchise left tackle, a beastly wideout, and probably the best pass catching back in football. But I mean come on, the Dolphins are awful. Everyone knows that. Right?”

As of Wednesday morning several experts agreed that the Dolphins would finish “no better than fifth” in the AFC East. The Football Writers Association of America, or FWAA, issued a press release confirming that all but three of their members agree that the 2011 Dolphins will be “the worst professional sports team to ever wear cleats”. That included all baseball and soccer teams in recorded history.

Members of the NFL Rules Committee have flatly denied the possibility that Miami could finish fifth out of four teams, claiming it is a matter of basic math. However, Commissioner Goodell would not comment on the fourth slot in the division being awarded to a fictitious team, such as the “Syracuse Vampire Bats”, or the “Ocala Shi*stompers”, for the sole purpose of emphasizing how simply awful the Dolphins are.

CBS Sports’ Pete Prisco piled on late Wednesday afternoon, predicting that the Dolphins would somehow lose nineteen games.

– BS NEWSWIRE

The Fibbing Fin: Revis’ Swagger Stolen, DB Suspects Vontae Davis

All Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis has hired investigators to track down three gallons of swagger that disappeared from the defensive back’s luggage during a summer visit in South Florida.

“I went to Miami to work out with Vontae Davis and his boys. Next thing I know he and that tall guy are claiming to be the best cornerback tandem in the NFL.” Revis shakes his head. “They got their hands on some swagger from somewhere. You tell me what happened.”

Davis denies any wrongdoing. “I developed this swagger in the fifth grade,” the Miami cornerback claims. “I started talking smack to my teachers, knocking notes down when kids tried to pass them.”

Davis’ grade school Principal, R.J. Butterflood explains, “We didn’t know what had gotten into Vontae. Then our guidance counselor found a scientist in Denmark who had isolated the swagger gene.” Butterflood smiles proudly, “Turns out that kid had a sh** ton of natural swagger.”

Davis dropped Revis at Miami International Airport after the combined Jets-Dolphins workouts, and claims to have seen the aforementioned swagger in Revis’ luggage. That is exactly when Revis believes the swagger-lifting took place. Davis has denied the charges, claiming that said swagger was lost or stolen in transport.

American Airlines has denied any responsibility, even reprimanding Revis for packing it in the first place. “It clearly states in our guidelines, no flammable materials, no explosives, no liquids over four ounces, no weapons or cutting implements of any kind, and absolutely no swagger.”

An uncorked barrel of swagger caused the emergency landing of a Southwest 737 last February.

–

BS NEWSWIRE

 

Halfway Through Preseason – State of the Dolphins

Just a handful of thoughts, mixed with musings, peppered with observations, as we now stand just 21 days from opening night against the Patsies.

*One bad game, one solid one. Welcome to Henne-ssee. To be fair, Chad didn’t have a whole lot of first string weaponry out there against the Falcons. It looks like the plan is to keep the game in the first twenty yards of the field for him. Dumps, slants, quick outs. Probably a good idea, as Henne hasn’t shown much touch on the deep ball. So, why try and force a square peg into a round hole? Henne is better at these throws. Spread the field, and nickel and dime defenses to death. Marshall is great after the catch. Bess is a slot guy, and money in that first ten yards of space. And Reggie Bush? Well, there aren’t many guys who can consistently turn screens into twenty-yarders. A great addition to allow the Dolphins to still move the ball without much of a vertical passing game. Our fear is that we’ll be wasting Clyde Gates, a guy who could end up blowing past DBs forty yards down the field, mostly for his own cardiovascular health.

*And how about that Reggie Bush guy? By all accounts he’s been working his de-Heismaned tail off, staying late, even attending O-line meetings. He looked fantastic in his Dolphin debut. He ran fast, which we expected. But Bush ran tough as well. The question is how many carries can #22 handle? Daniel Thomas will provide valuable snaps to keep Reggie from being overworked, but our team will simply be better when Reggie is on the field. Striking that balance will be important, because if he ends up on the trainer’s table, points will be a lot harder to come by.

*The Kevin Burnett signing was brilliant. KB has been all over the field, strong in every facet. I would put Dansby/Burnett side by side with the best ILB tandems in football. Our defense is rising, and was top 6 last season. But to build a truly dominant squad you can’t be complacent. So even though we had an almost exclusive offensive draft, and even though Channing Crowder was a solid player, we pounced on an upgrade. We’re excited to watch Mike Nolan do his thing with this crew. Odrick looks like a man out there. JT should provide some pass rush opposite Wake. Jimmy Wilson was a huge find. Get him on the field. Somewhere. He will make plays.

*I see us running left a lot. A whole lot. Long, Incognito, Pouncey. The right side of the line? Well, it hasn’t hit its stride just yet. Carey’s learning on the fly at RG. By the way, kudos to Big Vern for making a sacrifice to stay in Miami. A pay cut, voiding two years of his deal, and a move to a brand new position? Wow. Not many players would have rolled with that. Right tackle? Well? Murtha (which means “holding” in Gaelic)? Colombo? Garner? Not settled over on the that side. Our backs may have to do a lot of chipping over there to keep Henne on his feet. Reggie Bush, chip and release for screens, all day long.

*Do we really have four fullbacks? Daniel Thomas 230lbs, Lex Hilliard 240lbs, Charles Clay 240lbs, Lousaka Polite 245lbs. So maybe they’re not all technically fullbacks, but look at that beef! If Reggie Bush goes down we’ve got a stable of bruisers sporting 4.63 40s. Three yards and a cloud of dust, baby. If Clay’s blocking is up to par, we think we should politely send Lousaka packing. This team needs big plays. Speed. To keep a redundant fullback on the roster instead of a guy like Livas would be hindering our big play ability. Livas would get 70 attempts as a KR/PR. There’s potential for a serious impact. Compare that to the potential impact of a second fullback. Exactly. We hope the Dolphins honor the importance of the return game. Livas needs to pop another big one soon to remind everyone just what he brings to the table.

*Daboll was fired. Sparano was half-fired. If Tony’s ever going to start going for it on 4th and short, it’s this season. If Brian is going to do whatever it takes to put points on the board, it’s this season. They are both in danger of entering Assistant Coach Purgatory. Or worse, Coaching at Somewhere Like Portland State Purgatory. They may not be flashy, or have the most impressive resumes, but we will get the best out of Tony and Brian. Their careers depend on it. Circumstances should dictate a sizable increase in testicular fortitude as far as Tony’s kick-happy ways are concerned.  There are a couple of riverboat gamblers on top of our division in Rex and Bill. We’ve got to put our stones on the table if we want to compete. So far I like what Daboll is drawing up, working to Henne’s strengths. Our offense doesn’t need to be the Saints, but if Brian can return us to the middle of the scoring pack, we’ll be in the mix.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Brandon Fields Speaks Out About Restless Leg Syndrome

– HIALEAH, FL

Brandon Fields stares at himself in the bathroom mirror of his studio apartment above Sedano’s Supermarket, a lone tear rolling down his cheek. He has suffered in silence with a leg that twitches constantly, often depriving him of sleep, or ruining dates with his fiance’, Hooters girl Gordita Tannenbaum.  Fields is putting that silence to an end.

“I had never had a problem before,” Fields explains, rubbing aloe vera plants on his kneecaps. “We just kept punting, over and over. Soon my leg couldn’t sit still, whether on game day or not. It got so bad that I was punting in my sleep.” He covers his face. “One night I sleep-punted Gordita onto the dresser.”

Fields was content to suffer in private, ’til one day he was approached at an Arby’s by Dr. Humphrey LeCroix of the Crandon Park Restless Leg Foundation (CPRLF). “He had the classic signs,” LeCroix explains. “He was skittering through the dining room like MC Hammer. And the circles under his eyes stretched all the way down to his neck. Just awful.”

Humphrey implored Fields to attend a support group at the Foundation. The long-suffering punter was surprised to see a familiar face in the meeting, placekicker Dan Carpenter. “Dan just walked up, and held me,” Fields explains, his eyes welling up.

Carpenter had been diagnosed two months earlier, with a stage nine case of RLS also brought about by overuse by Head Coach Tony Sparano. “I’m a fighter,” Carpenter explains. “My parents battled razor bumps for years, so I knew how to dig in for this war.”

Now Carpenter and Fields have joined forces to form KOMDWRWTSTILFGPSGTIR, or Kickers On the Miami Dolphins Who Really Want the Team to Score Touchdowns Instead Of Long Field Goals or Punts, Seriously Guys This Is Ridiculous. Their first fundraiser earned over $1,100, and a write-up on Carpenter’s nephew’s blog.

No matter how this fight ends, this dynamic duo is planning on kicking RLS education into high gear. Owner Stephen Ross has joined the effort, agreeing to fit mascot T.D. with a “Restless Fin” during home games to promote awareness.

– BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Guess What? Fasano is Pretty Freakin’ Good

There were a lot of cries to bring in a new tight end this season. Hopefully Charles Clay can make some noise in Davie as a TE/HBack/Fullback/Longsnapper/Waterboy/Trainer combo and become one of those sleepers talked about for ages. Still, we felt the need to point out that Anthony “First Down” Fasano is a lot better than people think.

Much of the chatter about bringing in a new guy was that we needed someone more vertical. Not for nothing, but Fasano averaged more yards per catch than Zach Miller, Dustin Keller, Brent Celek, Chris Cooley and Kellen Winslow. Hell, Fasano averaged more per grab than Hakeem Nicks, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin too. Not too shabby for a tight end who supposedly can’t stretch the field.

The most incredible Fasano stat? In 2010, 74% of his catches were good for first downs. Those are extremely clutch numbers, and third among tight ends behind Pro Bowlers Antonio Gates and Todd Heap.  For his career, 65% of Fasano’s catches have moved the chains and kept drives alive. To give you an little historical perspective, Jim “Crash” Jensen, famous for finding the first down marker, had a 57.6% conversion rate.

It’s always good to bring in fresh talent and competition, but while Clay learns the ropes we have no problem at all going to war with Anthony Fasano at tight end. He’s underrated, and acquiring him on the cheap was a strong move by The Trifecta.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose 

The Fibbing Fin: Dolphins Sign Undrafted 40-year-old Brockelman

GM Jeff Ireland made a huge splash Monday, outbidding several teams for undrafted free agent administrator Mark “Bang Bang” Brockelman. The Missouri product checks in at just 5’9″ 182lbs, but makes up for his lack of size with quickness, tenacity, and almost twenty years of experience in cost analysis and accounting.  

“We had a fourth round grade on the guy,” Ireland explains. “He’s not stopwatch fast, but put him in the contained space of a conference room and your numbers are as good as crunched.”

The Dolphins expect Brockelman to immediately start at Senior VP/Chief Financial and Administrative Officer for the Miami Dolphins and Sun Life Stadium, though he could slide to right tackle if needed.

Brockelman is represented by Drew Rosenhaus and Master P.

- BS NEWSWIRE