THE FIBBING FIN: Dolphins to Replace Philbin with Empty Headset

5 Oct



Owner Stephen Ross upgraded the Dolphins Head Coach position Monday afternoon, replacing Joe Philbin with an empty, gently used headset.

“We know this is an unconventional move,” Ross explained. “But we believe this empty headset I found in the grass at Wembley Stadium will put us in a better position to win games.”

Analysts seem to agree that an empty headset would be more likely to play to win than the outgoing Philbin, whose tenure was marred by punts in opponent territory, gutless game plans, and a reluctance to go for the jugular.

“Simply by laying in the grass and not waving the players off the field on 4th and short, the headset will leave the offense out there to go for it,” ESPN’s Ron Jaworski said via teleconference. “That should be good for one or two wins that Philbin would have handed away.”

The headset was unavailable for comment, and will remain so as an inanimate object.


Go Dolphins, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

What the Fin? Dolphins Simplifying Things for Opposing Defenses

29 Sep

I almost feel guilty piling on during this week of understandable and mostly warranted venom being directed at our beloved SoFlo Sea Mammals, but I can’t hold back. Today, weighing heavy on this fan’s mind as he cries into his Mitchell and Ness Marino jersey? Why in the hell do we make things easier on opposing defenses?

In today’s NFL, throwing the deep ball is NOT about actually completing the damned pass. Okay, to a degree it is. However, have the Fins forgotten that pass interference is the most generous penalty in the game? Does it escape us that every week entire games are decided by P.I. calls? Have we also forgotten that making the defense respect the deep ball loosens things up closer to the line? Did we bring Kenny Stills in for his hair care tips? Send the man deep! Parker! Matthews! John Denney! Anybody! Wing that pigskin down the field. Between completing it, getting a pass interference call and loosening up the defense the benefits far outweigh the costs. Does the thought of getting picked off make you queasy? Boo hoo. Think of it as a punt. Well worth it to have an offense that can even be mistaken as dangerous. Perhaps the deep heave to Matthews Sunday will serve as a reminder to an offense that’s trying to survive in four yard chunks and failing miserably at it. Throwing it deep isn’t some horrific gamble. It’s an absolute must.

But wait, there’s more! I have never seen a team with this shabby a pass blocking unit run this few screens. Screens are the exact response called for when defenders are blowing through your line, preparing to feast on your quarterback like Turkey Day came early. RB chips, then spills out behind those overzealous defenders. One or two jail breaks on screens and defenders have to watch for it. Is there a more beautiful play in football than a perfectly executed screen? It’s certainly top three.

Lastly, the team has forgotten that the best we’ve looked was that stretch last year when Tanny was running for 40-50 yards a game. I’m tired of talking about his mobility and then watching our play calls do nothing to take advantage of it. He isn’t a great pocket quarterback. Fine. Well, wouldn’t it be great if he was a guy who played wideout for years, is a threat to break off 8-yard runs left and right, and throws well while moving? Oh wait, that’s exactly his skill set. The closest thing we did to a roll out resulted in a TD. The deep pass was thrown while he was on the run, and also resulted in a touchdown. Was that one a great throw? No. But he bought Matthews time using his legs and had a one on one situation that vastly favored the offensive player.

Not letting Ryan use his athleticism is even more glaring when our line can’t create a legitimate pocket for him. Why try to fit a square peg into a round, crumbling hole? Are we afraid our “investment” might get hurt if he runs? So we’d rather keep him upright and never sniff the postseason? Also, he’s just as likely to get hurt being battered in a shi**y pocket. Defenses should have to worry like hell about Tanny’s legs, and I guarantee you opposing coordinators are pleasantly surprised when we leave him in there like a statue all game.

This Philbin Era officially has a “feel” about it, a complete lack of testicular fortitude. Five-yard passes, gutless strategy (I’m still reeling from that punt from THEIR 38 against Jacksonville), a fear of risking what it takes to make big plays, to score points, to win. If you’re gonna win small-ball slug fests you’d better have Vince freakin’ Lombardi getting those guys to go to war. Our guys seem more ready to go on vacation.

And it’s only three games in.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

FIBBING FIN: Ross Rubs Philbin’s Game One Success in Haters’ Faces

14 Sep

Miami owner Stephen Ross cracked open a bottle of Cristal as the team plane left the Nation’s capitol on Sunday evening.

“Did you see that, yo?” he asked, ripping off his shirt, WWE-style, revealing a thick, gold rope with a glistening “SR” medallion on the end. “What was that spread? 3.5 points? Crushed it!”

And who could blame him for his excitement? His decision to double-down on “Queasy Joe” Philbin showed immediate results on Sunday, as the Dolphins emerged barely victorious against a Washington team with almost five good players.

“Did you see how we lulled them to sleep with an almost painfully scripted first half of plays, only to surprise them with slightly better play calling the rest of the way? Genius,” Ross shouted, bumping Wu Tang Clan on the plane’s loud speakers and dancing through the aisles. flanked by two cheerleaders.

Ross faced criticism for keeping, even extending Joe Philbin after his wildly mediocre run as Head Coach thus far. But now, with the best record in the league, Ross has had the last laugh.

“Undefeated, bit**es,” Ross exclaimed, the flight attendant asking him to take a seat due to turbulence. As long snapper John Denney forced the stumbling Ross into a seat, the Owner flung his champagne bottle across the cabin. “We taking this sh** all the way to Jacksonville,” he declared, before passing out.

Ross was full tilt after Sunday’s game, for good reason. He was right about Philbin all along, and now the rest of the league has a possibly better than average Miami team to contend with.


Go Dolphins, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

Keeping Tannehill in the Pocket Costs Us Wins

21 May

Take a gander at that glorious five game stretch last year.. You know the one, when Tannehill was slinging it, but also giving opposing defenses fits using his legs?

In consecutive games against the Raiders, Packers, Bears, Jaguars and Chargers Tanny Boy averaged 45 yards rushing. He also threw for 256 yards and 2 TDs per contest. The Dolphins went 4-1, the only blemish when “Coach Queasy” got indigestion at the mere thought of going for the jugular against Green Bay.

We inexplicably shackled Ryan in the pocket for the rest of the year. He would average less than 9 yards rushing the remainder of the season, as we finished out 3-5. For the year, outside of that 4-1 stretch, Tannehill averaged 7.6 yards rushing per game, with a 4-7 record.

So here’s hoping that we don’t experience nausea at the thought of Ryan piling up yards on the ground. Why would we make life easier for opposing defenses? The kid played wide receiver, for crying out loud. He’s not exactly a porcelain doll. He’s a dual-threat quarterback. Forgetting that could easily cost us a couple of wins, the kind of wins that are the difference between making the playoffs or not.

Or the difference between getting fired and still having a job.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

Pats Fans, Take Tom Shady’s Lead and Get a Grip

12 May

100-24. That is the Patriots’ record since the NFL allowed Tom Brady and the New England offense to provide the footballs in every game they played. During the ensuing eight years the team has enjoyed a fumbling rate that, by conservative estimates (the esteemed 528 site, and not Sharp’s original fumble study), holds a 1 in 297 chance of occurring naturally.

The stats tell the story, but so does common sense. Brady likes an illegally-deflated ball so he can get a better grip using his perfectly-manicured, porcelain, baby doll hands. If Tommy Boy has a better grip, then so does every other player using New England’s illegal footballs.

Include the texts, Tom’s defiance, an organization that has cheated in the past, and there is little doubt, outside of the small throng of sad, denial-ridden Pats fans, that cheating occurred and occurred for a long time.

Suppose the Football Gods arrived in Davie back in 2007 and said, “Hey, give us a 1st and 4th rounder, a million bucks, and four early-season games with your backup quarterback starting, and we will grant you statistically impossible ball security for the next eight years.

We would have taken it. Any team would have. The team with even a +1 fumbling differential wins 68% of games. We know Brady lobbied to provide his own balls, and it caused a drastic fumbling turnaround up there in Foxboro that lasted eight seasons before the NFL even thought to check.

Pats fans whining about how severe the NFL’s penalty is are wildly off base. The NFL uncovered just the tip of the iceberg here, and is content to leave it at that. The best move is to shut up and take your this miniscule lump. But no, the Patsies are in full-on tantrum mode. I’d expect nothing less.

This may have just been a quarterback wanting to grip the ball better, but its impact on ball security once it left Brady’s hand is profound. Eight years of a tainted turnover differential, the #1 stat in dictating wins and losses.

Shut up and eat your chowder, Pats Nation. You got off easy.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

The 2015 Miami Dolphins “Head Coach is a Limp Noodle” Mock Draft

30 Apr

For this year’s mock we are proceeding with the idea that Joe Philbin will not suddenly become Vince Lombardi, and that whatever intangible fire that may carry our SoFlo Sea Mammals into the postseason probably won’t come from him.

No, it will come from the players. It will hopefully come from Ryan Tannehill, who we’d like to see take charge of the huddle the way the greats do. He could use a little bit of nasty to go with that choir boy persona, and hopefully that will come. On defense, we have added one of the great tone-setters in the game. Suh is an intimidating beast, and his presence on the line will have a fantastic ripple effect on our D, both from a strategic and inspirational standpoint.

So, our annual mock tends toward players who fill a need, but also have potential to add the kind of on the field “swagger” that can hopefully transcend an index card-reading, inexplicably-extended, queasy coach with a tendency toward cowardly football (sorry, did that sound negative?).

ROUND 1. TODD GURLEY, RB, Georgia – We think even Breshad Perriman will be gone here as far as wideouts go. The good news is that perhaps the greatest single tone-setting offensive player in this draft falls to us at 14. Remember that brief glimmer last season when Knowshon had the entire offense playing with a strut? Imagine that for the next decade, only bigger, and faster. Lamar Miller is in a contract year, and has had his moments. Hell, we like Damien Williams too. But if the board falls the way we think, “Burly” Gurley will be the highest impact player on the board.

ROUND 2. SAMMIE COATES, WR, Auburn – A wideout with a knack for the big play, and a whole lot of swagger, Sammie’s yards per reception were off the charts against the best competition college football has to offer, and he put up his numbers with a QB that the pros are making audition as a defensive back. Sammie needs to work on his routes, but has #1 stuff. Landry in the slot. Stills as the speed guy. Coates as the emerging total package. Jennings as the Yoda of the corps. This is a passing league. Teams that realize it and act accordingly will see the results. Spread the field with WRs who win their matchups, toss Jordan Cameron, Todd Gurley and a QB with wheels into the mix? This team will score points, and 8 of the top 10 scoring teams in the NFL made the playoffs. The Eagles missed out but were 10-6. The Saints were a 1/2 game out of the dance, but had the 32nd ranked D in the league. Score, score, score.

ROUND 4. JEREMIAH POUTASI, OL, UTAH. This 6’5″. 335lb behemoth played LT for Utah, and was surprisingly agile. At the next level he’s expected to kick inside and play guard. We think he’ll do so for the next decade. At only 20 years old, Poutasi has room to improve. It would be nice to slot a beast with pass protection chops in there where we currently start Dallas “The Turnstile” Thomas. Not to mention his left tackle experience could be useful if the rehabbing Branden Albert experiences a setback. *Note, there is a chance that we acquire guard Evan Mathis during the draft for a pick somewhere down here, which would of course scramble things, and be a great boon to our o-line for the next couple of years.

ROUND 5. MIKE HULL, LB, PENN STATE. Simply put? A football player. Seen as plodding by some analysts, Hull showed up and ran a 4.68 at the combine. He was everywhere for Penn State, a tough, blue collar guy with potential to quarterback our defense. 110% effort on every play and at every practice. Hull could become a leader on this team faster than most.

ROUND 5b. STEFON DIGGS, WR, MARYLAND. Diggs is too big a playmaker to pass up here. The blue-chipper has battled injuries as a Terp, but is lightning in a bottle. You can’t have too many guys like him. A burner with return skills, Diggs could also replace the hugely important Landry and give our special teams a boost. We would expect Diggs to push Coates for playing time as a rookie. His ability far outweighs where he’s being drafted.

ROUND 6. JUSTIN COLEMAN, CB, TENNESSEE. Coleman is an aggressive corner who honed is skills over a long career in the SEC. A strong tackler with solid ball skills. We don’t have the ammo to plug all of our holes in one draft, but nabbing a CB with Coleman’s experience and moxie is a strong find this late in the draft. He will line up opposite receivers and fight tooth and nail.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

Expect More Playing Not to Lose in 2015

22 Dec

That’s our biggest worry with the announcement that “Queasy Joe” Philbin will be back in 2015.

Ryan Tannehill has gone a long way toward curing the Dan Marino hangover Fin Nation has endured for so many years. He’s only 26, and with a game left is 11th in the league in passing yards, with a 26-12 TD to INT ratio to go with 300 yards rushing. That was done with yet another Swiss cheese offensive line for a big chunk of the season. Lamar Miller has shown a spark, and Damien Williams has excited us as well. Jarvis Landry looks to be at least an OJ McDuffie-esque figure in our receiving corps for years to come, and Mike Wallace returns. We are currently the 6th highest scoring team in the AFC, behind only Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Denver and New England.

Our defense ranks 8th overall, although we’ve given up too many points and our rush defense has been atrocious. We like the money that should be coming off the books this offseason, and we expect us to show a lot of love to our defensive shortcomings this offseason via free agency and the draft.

Nope, it’s the playing not to lose we’ve witnessed that make us queasy about Stephen Ross’ “gift” announcement yesterday. Too many times we’ve watched Joe refuse to go for the jugular, instead losing close games with a whimper. Too many times we’ve seen our team not even get off the bus with their season on the line. Next year will we suddenly see a fiery coach, leading his men into war on Sundays, smelling blood in the water and “finishing” opponents when they’re on the ropes?

We’re crossing our fingers, but there are lots of permanent spots on a leopard by the time it’s 53 years old. We may have already witnessed Philbin’s wiring, and it doesn’t leave us too confident that his SoFlo Sea Mammals will get “nasty” at crunch time next year either.

So, thanks for the Christmas gift, Mr. Ross. We’ll put it with the socks from Aunt Beth and the fruitcake the neighbors brought.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose, or my comedy Twitter, @vaguelyfunnydan


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