Pierre-Paul’s Value Crumbles After Goodell Ruling

19 Apr

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell may have single-handedly destroyed prospect Jason Pierre-Paul’s draft value with a Sunday afternoon declaration that banned backflipping towards quarterbacks.

The rule was implemented after the Goodell saw a leaked clip (link below) of Pierre-Paul practicing his signature move, “The Persian Hoosier”. The unorthodox maneuver involves backflipping over both the left tackle and blocking back, then sacking the quarterback by landing on his shoulders with over 1,600lbs of torque.

“The Persian Hoosier would simply expose the league’s quarterbacks to possible, even probable death week in and week out,” Goodell explained in the seventeen page ruling. “I applaud Jason’s inventiveness, but I will not allow him to shred a signal-caller’s arms from his body, severing his aorta, or possibly even removing his head from his neck during a live broadcast.”

Pierre-Paul was blindsided by the news, which broke just four days before the draft. “I am deeply disappointed,” lamented Pierre-Paul. “I was going to literally destroy quarterbacks this fall. Now, thanks to the NFL’s ticky tack bull****, I can only do it figuratively.”

Pierre-Paul has accepted the ruling, but rumor has it he has already begun drawing up an alternate move, known simply as “The Calvin Coolidge”.

— AP Newswire

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