Big Tuna’s Momma Joke Sparks Outrage

29 Apr

Mayhem erupted at Wednesday evening Boca Raton poker gathering when Dolphin Executive Vice President Bill Parcells used a “Yo Momma” joke from his considerable arsenal of witticisms.

A handful of Dolphin defenders were on hand at Parcells’ home for a bi-weekly poker game first founded in November. Witnesses say all was calm until strong safety Yeremiah Bell ribbed the host about his waistline, wondering aloud if Parcells used Cape Canaveral’s discarded Space Shuttle O-Rings as belts. Several of those on hand laughed at the comment. Even Parcells reportedly chuckled, before responding, “Yo momma’s so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.”

A hush then fell over the room, before Bell rose to his feet, flipped the table onto its side, and made a beeline for Parcells. No blows were exchanged, as the All-Pro safety was intercepted by newly anointed nose tackle Randy Starks and several of Parcells’ miniature pugs.

But word quickly spread of the incident, making its way to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell within the hour. Goodell promptly released a statement condemning the joke. “Bill Parcells has meant a lot to this league, but that doesn’t mean he can attack the mothers of his players and staff,” the memo states, adding, “Our mothers are all saints.”

“To go after my momma was both merciless and uncalled for,” Bell explained this morning at his Fort Lauderdale condo, as representatives from the NFLPA pet his head and gave him a manicure. “That woman is a saint.”

Nabisco also spoke out against the Yo Momma joke Thursday morning. “RJR Nabisco is 100% against the defamation of mommas,” Spokesman Larry Baumann explained, adjusting his monocle while standing in front of several dozen bags marked simply with dollar signs. “We have not, nor will we ever, manufacture Wheat Thicks.”

Parcells has since called the player to apologize for the comment, and to call Bell’s Mother a saint. However, he offered no such kind words for Nabisco, pointing out that they are a subsidiary of Kraft Foods, and therefore affiliated with the New England Patriots. Parcells added that Patriot Head Coach Bill Belichick’s mother “is so dumb, she failed the answer key.”

Commissioner Goodell could not be reached for comment.

-AP Newswire

Parcells crosses the line, goes after mothers as Mothers Day looms. For shame.

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14 Responses to “Big Tuna’s Momma Joke Sparks Outrage”

  1. Ripp April 29, 2010 at 12:35 pm #

    This blog is a joke right? I mean really? It has to be a joke. If Bell is that sensitive, just wait till the season starts and WRs starts busting Yo mama jokes on him just to get under his skin. The other thing is that if you throw down insults you better be able to take it.

  2. Matt April 29, 2010 at 12:55 pm #

    why is the website even listed on phins news? Stupid

  3. Guy April 29, 2010 at 12:55 pm #

    Bell is a probowl SS he’s never been on an all-pro team.Fake blog Fail!

    PS:Pick on Ginn not Bell Douchebag

  4. phishphace April 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm #

    This was harmless, but after the whole Dez Bryant fiasco, incredibly stupid. I mean, if you absolutely have to be the white guy throwing a racial stereotype at a black Dolphin, DON’T make it about his mama. And there is absolutely no comparison between what the big dumb tuna did and what an opposing player might say on the field. Tuna Stank is management, he’s the boss, so he should act more professionally. Worst of all, he desperately needs not only Bell but the rest of our primarily African-American team to respect him enough to want to do the hard work it takes to win. What a freakin idiot.

  5. Tofu Dan April 29, 2010 at 1:24 pm #

    Thanks for stopping by The Bottlenose, guys. This site has a good deal of actual Dolphins discussion. However, we also like to poke some fun, like The Onion. If we wanted to pass this off as an actual story, we probably wouldn’t have written that Bill’s pugs intervened, and that Goodell said all our mothers were saints, and that Nabisco has categorically denied making Wheat Thicks.

    So, please come back soon, but be ready for some humorous takes on all things Dolphin related. That’s kind of our deal here. GO DOLPHINS!!!

  6. Joe Furlong April 29, 2010 at 4:28 pm #

    Grow up Bell. If you’re big enough to dish it, then be big enough to take it. I’m getting tired of these politically correct, thin-skinned celebrities, including our thin-skinned president, as well as the lame stream media, who not only minipulates fake hate stories and racisum, but also fosters it. Get over your victumhood behavior and stop seeing everything in black and white.

  7. chrishadden April 29, 2010 at 5:01 pm #

    if this is true, Bell only got what he deserved, don’t dish it if you can’t take it. Just another whinny millionaire.

  8. Kevin Scott April 29, 2010 at 7:36 pm #

    Hey Dan – even for someone who is pretty intelligent and intuitive, as I hope I am, this one was a bit confusing. It took me until the second-to-the-last paragraph before I figured out for sure that you were joking.

    There are two factors that don’t help with the confusion. One is the crediting of the article to “AP Newswire”, a serious and legitimate news organization (unlike the Onion). The second is the fact that your site is newly linked from the Phins.com news wire. Since all the other sites on that news wire are straight (serious) news or commentary, many of the new readers who link to you from Phins.com are not going to be expecting a mock article.

    I think some good humor and sarcasm is great – and we don’t have enough of it in online Dolphin land. I can tell by this that you are probably pretty darn good at it 🙂 The problem here is there really isn’t any single item in this mock article that is so outrageous it is going to make *everyone* realize you are joking. And as you can see by the comments, most people either thought it was a serious article or are confused.

  9. shaggy April 30, 2010 at 12:11 am #

    Lame.

  10. EricG April 30, 2010 at 1:15 am #

    Far be it from me to insult anyone’s intelligence (okay, you’ve forced my hand), but to think this article is anything other than satire from, say, the third paragraph, is a bit thick at the very least. To quote:

    “No blows were exchanged, as the All-Pro safety was intercepted by newly anointed nose tackle Randy Starks and several of Parcells’ miniature pugs.”

    The article claims that Parcells’ DOGS came in to intercept Bell, and that doesn’t raise any alarms? Now perhaps y’all just weren’t reading closely, and that’s fair — it’s the Internet, after all, and paying attention ranks just below common courtesy.

    But even if you’re humor-impaired, even if you’re a complete moron, even if you’re a JETS fan, for the love of God, you can’t by any stretch believe this part:

    “RJR Nabisco is 100% against the defamation of mommas,” Spokesman Larry Baumann explained, adjusting his monocle while standing in front of several dozen bags marked simply with dollar signs.”

    Now go back and read the whole thing again, people who thought it was real. Honestly, you think there’s a chance that if you were paying attention the first time through you would have been fooled by what is so, so clearly a satire on the media infatuation with Ireland’s ‘gaffe’? If so, I’ve got 1/300th ownership of a team I’d like to sell you…

    • danewen April 30, 2010 at 2:16 am #

      Personally I thought the NFLPA reps petting Bell’s head while also giving him a manicure was the dead giveaway. After all, miniature pugs are notoriously protective.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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