Sparano Signs Shrewd Snuggie Sponsorship

1 May

Normally it’s athletes who pad their salaries with endorsement deals. However, this time it’s the head honcho signing on the dotted line. Head Coach Tony Sparano and Shaoxing Zhanbo Knitting Company have announced a four-figure agreement to make Sparano the new face of the Snuggie, aka “The Blanket with Arms”.

“It is a match made in heaven,” Snuggie inventor Scott Boilen said, standing on the deck of his yacht, speaking on a diamond-encrusted smart phone designed exclusively for him by Cartier, and hand-delivered by Kofi Annan.

“Tony’s kind of been wearing Snuggies for years now,” Boilen explained. “He has the type of body that our product hangs perfectly on. If he ever quit coaching he could become the Tyra Banks of Snuggie models. In a second.”

Tony will wear a new Dolphins model Snuggie on all gamedays, and layer two of them for winter games at New York, New England and Buffalo. The gameday Snuggie will feature extra room in the arms, to allow for Coach Sparano’s nearly constant fist pumping.

Boilen has plans to unveil a new variation on the Snuggie, known simply as The Sparano. The garment will closely resemble the traditional Snuggie, but with a built-in beer holder, and an air-tight snack pouch designed specifically for corn nuts.

Does this mean the Dolphins will be playing in Snuggie Stadium sometime soon? Don’t bet against it. If Shaoxing Zhanbo makes it’s sale quota for the quarter, they plan on making a play for the 2015 naming rights. But they’d better move quickly. Rumor has it Luster International has already submitted an offer to change Sun Life to The Bedazzler Dome. Theirs is a costly, but strangely workable plan that would involve capping the stadium with over fifty acres of rhinestone-covered denim.

Sparano snuggles up to the Snuggie.

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2 Responses to “Sparano Signs Shrewd Snuggie Sponsorship”

  1. EricG May 1, 2010 at 7:19 pm #

    I don’t believe it. You made this up, out of nothing! You’re a horrible blogger! You LIE!

    Everyone knows Tony Sparano wears Slankets, NOT Snuggies. Assclown.

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