Therapists Warn Dolfans About Post Rookie Camp Depression

3 May

Officials from the Southern Association Against Depression (SAAD) hosted a conference at the Hampton Inn Coconut Grove Monday morning, with the sole purpose of warning Dolphin fans about the dangers of PRCD (Post Rookie Camp Depression), a “silent killer” that afflicts football fans during the yearly lull between rookie camp and Official Team Activities (OTAs).

“The NFL Draft is the highlight of a fan’s offseason,” explained SAAD Director Lacey Weinstock. “That euphoria and natural high usually continues through the first rookie mini-camp the following weekend.”

Sadly, once the rookies have disappeared to digest their playbooks, rabid fans are left with precious little to cling to. It is during this treacherous two week period that the darkness sets in.

“I don’t know what the hell to do with myself,” said Opa-locka plumber and Dolphin enthusiast Gregory Floyd, staring at the wall of his closet. “I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t maintain an erection to save my life.”

Floyd is far from alone. SAAD estimates that between 500,000 and a million people are ravaged by PRCD every year. They often suffer in silence, scouring the internet for anything about their teams that is remotely fresh or interesting. Sadly, more often than not, they find nothing.

“How many articles can you read about Justin Smiley maybe being released soon?” asks Weinstock. “It only pushes people deeper into the abyss.”

And fans aren’t the only ones who battle PRCD. Journalists often find themselves in the throes of the vicious disorder. Constantly scrambling for interesting morsels, and writing an endless mountain of “Get to Know Rookie X” articles takes its toll.

“They are the forgotten victims,” Weinstock pointed out, fighting back tears beneath her horn-rimmed glasses. “They try to keep the articles coming, yet absolutely nothing is happening. They end up in a downward spiral, desperately hoping in vain for a free agent signing, or an off the field incident. Something, anything to fill the gap until the players return.”

The Miami Herald’s Armando Salguero couldn’t be reached for comment. As of press time he was sitting on the railing of the Rickenbacker Causeway, staring into the distance, an empty bottle of Jack Daniels gripped with both hands.

If you or any other Dolphin fans you know may be suffering from PRCD, call 1-866-WILDCAT, or visit http://www.seriouslytherewillbemoredolphinnewsinlike15days.org.

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8 Responses to “Therapists Warn Dolfans About Post Rookie Camp Depression”

  1. john May 3, 2010 at 5:07 pm #

    Funny stuff but true ota’s and training
    camp cant get here fast enough. Enough with the Ireland talk its old ans getting a bit annoying now

  2. Jim May 3, 2010 at 5:10 pm #

    Wait what is this about I dont understand

  3. Hello Kitty May 3, 2010 at 5:19 pm #

    Hey Jim they are saying that if your anxious to get the season started to not worry cuz lots of people do

    P.S awsome article I cant wait for more news and your past articles have been great kepp it up your like my favorite writer

    • danewen May 3, 2010 at 5:38 pm #

      Thanks, Kitty and John. Glad you enjoy The Bottlenose. Sorry to confuse you, Jim. Just poking fun at the lack of interesting stuff to discuss between now and May 18th.

      I am trying my best to fight my PRCD, one day at a time. Watching old Marino footage on Youtube. Mapping out the possible opening day roster, over and over and over. Just fifteen days and we’ll get a look at Ronnie Brown’s foot. I’m picturing it already. Mmmm. Foot.

      • Phin fan May 7, 2010 at 9:25 pm #

        Hey danewen i love your articles keep writing thanks for the news

      • danewen May 8, 2010 at 1:27 am #

        Thanks a ton. Stop by The Bottlenose anytime.

  4. terry May 3, 2010 at 10:29 pm #

    your article cracked me up! it was great! it is also very scary that there may be more than two of us………………..:

    • danewen May 3, 2010 at 11:20 pm #

      Thanks Terry. Hang in there. Someday we’ll find a cure. Working on a PRCD 5k race. I’ll keep you posted.

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