Sparano Fasano Gangland War Threatens to Destroy Dolphins

5 May

Dolphin tight end Anthony Fasano finishes his tenth rep on the bench press. Coach Tony Sparano passes through, on his way to an early morning playbook session. They share a nod, but 1,250 miles up I-95 the Fasanos and Sparanos are locked in a bitter feud that has flooded the streets of New Brunswick, New Jersey with blood.

“Here, when Tony says to push a button on a guy, I push a button,” Fasano explains. “But if my Capo says to push a button on a guy too, and it’s someone different than Tony says, even Tony himself, I gotta push that button first. But Tony is talking to me about football buttons, not the same buttons as my bosses. Tony’s got two sets of buttons too, football ones, and ones that come from higher up. Hell, he could push the button on me at any time. So I keep one hand on my button at all times. The normal button. Not the football one. The football buttons are for gameday. Capiche?” a somewhat confused Fasano asks, shoveling a forkful of takeout linguini into his mouth and watching a stripper work a pole he’s had installed inside his locker.

Over seventeen members of the two families have been killed in a ruthless battle for the central New Jersey city of New Brunswick. The police, thought to be largely on the take, are sitting this one out. With authorities content to watch the bloodshed from a distance, the war will most likely play out to the bitter end.

“It’s a shame,” Coach Sparano says, finishing up a carving of the Italian flag he’s etched onto his forearm with a razor blade.

“Anthony’s a good kid. Just on the wrong team. Not the Dolphins, I mean. He’s on the right team in that case. His other team is the wrong team. The team up North. And his team ain’t gonna be around for long. His other team, not this one. Just to clarify, the Miami Dolphins football team will be around a long time. Do I make myself clear?” Sparano asks, stretching a piano wire between his hands while a nervous Mike Nolan draws up plays on the dry erase board. As the team’s new Defensive Coordinator adjusts his tie, one can almost see the faint outline of a microphone beneath it.

As the turf war raged in Jersey this winter, Sparano and his tight end had brokered an uneasy peace. However, this truce was scrapped when Coach Sparano brought in cousin Richie Incognito from the old neighborhood, supposedly to play right guard.

“He disrespected me bringing Richie in here,” Fasano growls, fastening a framed picture of Frank Sinatra onto the front bumper of his bulletproof Escalade. “We’re in the same meetings, on the same line. I gotta learn my assignments and at the same time make sure that sick bastard isn’t gonna shoot me in the face?”

Hopes for peace between Coach Sparano and his starting tight end are fading fast, and team headquarters could erupt at any moment.

“It’s gonna cost Anthony someday. When he least expects it,” Sparano warns, crossing himself before pumping his fist and sawing the head off a nearby racehorse.

At the end of the work day both Sparano and Fasano make their way to the parking lot, eyeing one another suspiciously. Executive VP Bill Parcells arrives in his limo to watch tape of last weekend’s rookie camp.

Both Fasano and Sparano kiss his ring, showing respect to the elder before he heads inside. It’s a nice gesture, but one gets the feeling that today’s cutthroat crime world has passed Don Parcells by.

Sparano and Fasano both check underneath their cars for bombs. Moments later they start their engines and drive away without incident. But it’s becoming crystal clear. Nothing can stop the impending explosion.

Tempers flared at Buffalo last season, but the war is yet to come.

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8 Responses to “Sparano Fasano Gangland War Threatens to Destroy Dolphins”

  1. markbets May 5, 2010 at 5:33 am #

    I am truly offended. It is not like the mob kill racehorses for Thanksgiving, that only happened once. The ladies from PITA were really pissed off. You sure as sh%t don’t want to mess with them.

  2. Jd May 5, 2010 at 6:36 am #

    And we care why?

  3. EricG May 5, 2010 at 11:59 am #

    You forgot to mention last year’s addition of John Nalbone, a Lawrenceville, NJ native, to the TE squad in last year’s draft. C’mon, the guy played at Monmouth College — you really think he was brought in for his blocking and pass-catching skills… or his ability to make bodies disappear? There’s a reason they call him The Cleaner, you know.

    • danewen May 5, 2010 at 12:12 pm #

      Nalbone tried to get out. But they kept pulling him back in.

  4. shaggy May 6, 2010 at 1:00 am #

    Lame, as usual, must be a closet Jet fan. Why bother…..

    • danewen May 6, 2010 at 1:16 am #

      Thanks for stopping by again, sunshine. Please keep me posted about your upcoming motorcycle reviews. Some of the best online reading available ANYWHERE!

      • Shaggy May 6, 2010 at 1:37 am #

        Nice pic, Curly. YOU let me know how that hair club for men deal worked out for you.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Week 11 Stock Report: Damaged Dolphins Drive DOW « The Bottlenose - November 17, 2010

    […] ANTHONY FASANO (NYSE: FSNO) +5: 100+ yards and a touchdown. Anthony was money on Sunday. It seems the Dolphins are confident that he’s the real deal, awarding him with a lucrative extension yesterday. Fasano also gets style points for going airborne at the end of almost every play, whether necessary or not. It’s nice to see the Fasanos and Sparanos working together, peacefully, after last summer’s blood feud. […]

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