Now Earl Thomas Furious with Dolphins

6 May

Former Texas safety and new Seattle Seahawk Earl Thomas should be as happy as a clam. He’s been selected in the first round of the NFL draft. All of his dreams are about to come true, and he will most likely be set for life. Then why is he lying on his bed, sobbing into a pillow?

“You can’t just end things like that,” Thomas says, grabbing a Kleenex from the bedside table and wiping a river of snot away from his quivering upper lip.

“They took me to the nicest places. They held the door for me. They made me feel special,” he laments, ripping the guts out of a fuzzy, stuffed dolphin General Manager Jeff Ireland gave him during his visit.

The Dolphins courted Earl Thomas in a big way before the 2010 NFL Draft, visiting with him at least three times, and flying him to Miami twice. During their time together Thomas developed feelings for the Dolphins, intensely romantic feelings.

“They said I could do things for them that no one else could,” he whimpers, ripping the mix CD Dolphin VP Bill Parcells made him from the stereo, then snapping it in half. “Turns out it was all a lie.”

“I liked Earl. I really did. But something just didn’t feel right,” explains Dolphin VP Bill Parcells, leafing through his little black book. “It wasn’t him. It was us.”

Head Coach Tony Sparano agrees, also adding, “Earl wanted to hang out like all the time. I mean, it was fun here and there. But seriously, all the time?”

GM Jeff Ireland is less careful with his words. “I keep it rolling from ex-guy to next-guy. No shame in my game, y’all. I’m just a squirrel tryin’ to get a nut,” he states, dabbing cologne on his neck and “sexting” with possible 2011 selection, Alabama running back Mark Ingram.

Despite hours of counseling, Thomas doesn’t seem ready to let Miami go and move on with his life. Instead of studying the Seattle playbook, Thomas spends his days leaving message after message at Dolphin team headquarters in Davie. He texts as well, hundreds of times a day, though his rational self realizes he’s doing so to a land line.

“I hope they’re happy with that skank Reshad Jones,” he says, dipping a serving spoon into a three-gallon drum of Ben and Jerry’s. “They can have his slow-ass 40 and questionable ball skills.”

ESPN draft guru Mel Kiper, reached for comment while getting his hair welded into place at a Baltimore shipyard, explained that Earl had never known heartbreak like this. “He was naive. The Dolphins knew what they wanted from day one. Once they added that second rounder they dropped Thomas like a bad habit. Poor kld.”

Earl Thomas will pick up the pieces someday. He’s got a playbook to memorize, and mini-camp looming in the Great Northwest. But for now, the scars are just too deep.

“I was a fool,” Thomas says, fighting through a sea of seemingly endless tears. “I gave them everything.” He pulls his robe closed, staring into a nearby mirror. “Everything.”

Earl Thomas two weeks ago. Young and in love.

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3 Responses to “Now Earl Thomas Furious with Dolphins”

  1. Jim May 6, 2010 at 3:01 pm #

    I thought Earl thomas would have been a great pick but he is just a loser and im glad we didnt draft him

  2. Courtney May 7, 2010 at 8:49 am #

    This is a good article as these types of articles go. It is funny enough to be recognized as satire vs the others which I have found so unfunny, I thought it was simply real bad reporting of facts (I.e. “OJ McDuffie purchases naming rights”). Maybe put “Satire” to allow us that don’t share your type of humor so we are not wondering as most would say wtf?

    • danewen May 7, 2010 at 2:53 pm #

      Thanks for visiting The Bottlenose, Courtney! Glad you at least liked this one better than the others. It’s okay if we don’t share the exact same sense of humor. That’s what makes the world go round. That’s why some people walk into ‘The Hangover’, and some people walk into ‘Juno’. No worries.

      And indeed the McDuffie blurb was a bad reporting of facts. The Dolphins will not be playing in OJ McDuffie is Awesome Stadium. Nor did he purchase three panda bears, a T-Rex skeleton, several $2.8million baseball cards, and The Bahamas, all in one night.

      With ten (last time I counted) other outlets simultaneously carrying the exact same article about McDuffie’s settlement, we thought we’d have some fun with it. We certainly didn’t expect the article to seem factual. I mean, maybe a few panda bears (even I own a small one), but not all the other stuff too.

      Hope to hear from you again soon.

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