Brian Cushing’s Pants on Fire

13 May

Apparently Texans linebacker Brian Cushing, the NFL’s Defensive Rookie of the Year, is afflicted with a rare disorder that causes his body to naturally produce fertility drugs.

That is what the young man implied at today’s press conference. He is completely mystified by the presence of hCG ( used in fertility treatments, sometimes used to mask the presence of steroids) in his body, and is apparently even going to seek medical attention about the problem. Mysterious mentions of tumors as the possible culprit (they can release hCG) were thrown around as well, with absolutely nothing to back his words up.

Are you kidding me, Brian? Heck, at least have the class (yuck) to blame a tainted supplement. Or say nothing at all. Don’t insult the fans with this pile of garbage.

And the NFL needs to expedite its process. The Texans could have very well made the playoffs, if the Bengals hadn’t folded like a cheap tent and rolled out the red carpet for the undeserving Jets. Suppose Houston had made it to the dance, and knocked a couple of teams out? Or made it to the Super Bowl? Won it even? Or what if our own Jason Ferguson had ended up anchoring our Dolphins during a miraculous playoff run, stuffing Addai, Rice, and Ladainian on the way to the big show?

It would be a nightmare. Every huge play that Cushing or Ferg made along the way would be a question mark. This is a scenario that the NFL is flirting with, if t allows someone like Cushing, who tested positive in October, to play through an entire season (and postseason).

They held a re-vote for Defensive ROY. Though it was a smaller margin, Cushing still won. Don’t be fooled though, this wasn’t a thumbs-up to Cushing. This was the sportswriters wanting the NFL to be stuck with this, and to act accordingly. Though Cushing gets to wrongly keep the hardware, I like the move by the AP in not letting the NFL off so easy.

I thought this crap was reserved for baseball, which desperately clung to a phony long-ball era as long as it could, since it had reignited the ratings and attendance numbers.

I guess Cushing’s got a lot to lose, heading into just his second year. Plenty of endorsements, and future contract cash headed his way. Perhaps, like some of the baseball players we’ve heard from recently, Brian’s honesty will kick in once his playing days are over, when his body begins naturally producing truth serum.

Liar Liar?


4 Responses to “Brian Cushing’s Pants on Fire”

  1. Jim May 13, 2010 at 4:04 pm #

    I cant believe he won the revote that is really dumb but he was still good.but i think james louriniatis should have won cuz he was a beast

  2. EricG May 13, 2010 at 5:40 pm #

    Personally, I’m just as much for legalization of performance-enhancing drugs as I am for legalization of recreational drugs. I’m paying good money (via my Sunday Ticket on DireTV, my eyeballs on network advertising, thus producing revenue, my purchases of NFL and Dolphin-related gear, and my occasional purchase of a ticket to an actual game when I’m back in Miami) to see performance, and dammit, I wanna see performance! If I go and see an opera (okay, I’ve never actually seen an opera, but go with it) I don’t give a shit if the singer’s taken 400 valium and shoved a shoehorn up her bum if it means she can hit those high notes. Similarly, I want giant men slamming into each other with incredible force and leaping twenty times higher than I can ever even dream of. I want to see fucking Cyberball 2072, and I want it on my screen. And not just football — light it up! Go to town! Baseball, basketball, soccer, badminton. NASCAR. Gentlemen, start your enhancement!

    In short, I am bored and I want this:

    Maybe if it wasn’t so hush-hush and illegal, they could put some serious funding into performance enhancers which get the job done right without fucking up your body for years to come. That said, it seems the thing that really screws you up, more than anything else, is just *playing football*. What’s a couple hundred cc’s of roids gonna do that 57 concussions won’t?

    • danewen May 13, 2010 at 7:47 pm #

      The sad thing though, is the history that takes the hit. Hank Aaron hits his homers by playing forever, fueled by grits and eggs. Then Barry comes along and passes him on The Clear and HGH. People are being erased from the history books by this stuff.

      • EricG May 14, 2010 at 2:11 am #

        History only matters to you baseball pussies. Football is all about tomorrow. So some steroid-ruptured team goes 19-0 and takes out the Perfect Season. I’ll handle that somehow, despite the obvious marquee and value loss to my ’72 memorabilia.

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