Sanchez Passes Ketchup to Friend, Media Bonanza Follows

14 May

A media eruption took place in Midtown Manhattan Thursday afternoon when second-year Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez passed ketchup to a friend while eating in the picture window of a deli.

Former All-Pro Boomer Esiason was almost immediately on the scene, along with several dozen broadcast vehicles. “What we are witnessing, is more proof that Sanchez is one of the great passers of all time,” Esiason explained. “The ketchup bottle, a glass one mind you, left his hand effortlessly, hitting its target where no defender could reach it.”

When an onlooker pointed out that no defender was present, Boomer shrugged it off, dropped to his knees, and attempted to bury his nose deep into Sanchez’s rear end.

The entire Monday Night Football broadcast team arrived soon thereafter, clad head to toe in Jets gear, begging Sanchez to autograph their cleavage. John Gruden scowled and nodded, as tears streamed down his face. “That’s the guy. Are you kidding me? That’s a man, right there.”

Writers from Sports Illustrated, The Sporting News, and ESPN the Magazine swarmed Mark, begging him to recount the ketchup passing. He retold the story of his epic catsup delivery, then winked at a nearby crowd of young ladies, who screamed then fainted in unison.

Commissioner Roger Goodell arrived next with a crew from NFL Films, starting production on “Playing Ketchup, The Manhattan Miracle”, to debut next week on the NFL Network, narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.

Mayor Bloomberg turned the corner, cameras present from every affiliate in the Northeast, to award Sanchez the key to the city. It was the fourth such key Sanchez had been given in the past week.

While cameras rolled, Goodell preemptively awarded the Jets the Lombardi Trophy for the 2010, 2012 and 2013 seasons, also handing Sanchez League MVP trophies for the latter two.

The ketchup bottle was immediately flown to Canton, Ohio via private jet.

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