Week 10 Stock Report: DOW Demolished as Dolphins Degrade

13 Nov

DOW (Dolphins Overall Worth) heading into Titans game: 682 (-78)

ON THE RISE

CHAD PENNINGTON (NASDAQ: CPEN) +3: We’ll see what he can do. The most accurate passer in NFL history doesn’t exactly have a cannon for an arm, but does have intangibles, and good location within twenty yards or so. Look for a lot more short throws. We’re not fond of the quarterback switch, but his stock (and bank account) certainly sees a boost by his being named starter.

CAMERON WAKE (NYSE: WAKE) +2 1/2: And the sacks just keep coming for our Canadian import. Two more against the Ravens. If the end is near for the Trifecta, signing Cam will certainly go down as one of their shining moments.

RONNIE BROWN (NYSE: RBROW) +2: RB23 steamrolled the Ravens defense when the SoFlo Sea Mammals committed to him, which is of course to say on our opening drive and never again. 45 yards and a touchdown on a single drive, and not on one, long, lucky carry either. Ronnie averaged 6.6 yards on the day, and was inexplicably given the ball 9 times in total.

TUMBLERS

DAN HENNING (NYSE: DHENN) -12: Dan is either senile or bored. How could he have missed Ronnie Brown beating the sh** out of the Baltimore Blackbirds on our first possession. We answered Baltimore’s score in smashmouth style, then tried 38 passes the rest of the game, against only 5 runs.This stock has been around a long, long time. Too long.

TONY SPARANO (NYSE: TSPAR) -13: A desperation move, and he yanked a guy who wasn’t the problem. Sparano doesn’t know what his team is. Sparano doesn’t play to win. Hell, he won’t even attempt a game winning Hail Mary for fear it will be taken back the other way. This stock took a hit when parent company Parcells Inc (NASDAQ:TUNA) dissolved, and the hits keep coming. Sell, sell, sell.

JASON ALLEN (NYSE: JALLEN) -20: Jason is a Houston Texan today. That should tell you enough about how far his stock has fallen. He wasn’t better than Sean Smith. He isn’t better than Sean Smith. He’s history.

SUMMARY

Has a team ever gone from a winning record to complete upheaval more quickly? This team suddenly seems hopelessly adrift, despite a .500 record and a very winnable game coming up against the Titans. Tony Sparano set the tone with yanking of Chad Henne, who the almighty Trifecta had deemed our quarterback of the future. Has Tony taken a look at his own cowardly decisions in close games? Or the horrific play calling demonstrated by Dan “Crazylegs” Henning? We smell the dull stench of a 7-9 season, but we hope we’re wrong.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

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2 Responses to “Week 10 Stock Report: DOW Demolished as Dolphins Degrade”

  1. Max November 13, 2010 at 10:22 pm #

    Please do not insult Al Bundy, by giving Henning the nick-name “Crazylegs”. He doesn’t deserve that moniker or his job.

    • danewen November 14, 2010 at 7:41 am #

      Good point, Max! I’ll shorten Henning’s nickname to “Crazy”. It’ll be perfect. Thanks for stopping by The Bottlenose.

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