Week 12 Stock Report: DOW Demolished as Dolphins Dive

22 Nov

DOW (Dolphins Overall Worth) heading to Oakland: 642 (-70)

ON THE RISE

KARLOS DANSBY (NASDAQ: KDAN) +3 3/4: Dansby has been playing at a Pro Bowl level. 10 tackles, 2 for a loss, and a sack. There have been some free agent misses by The Trifecta. Karlos certainly isn’t one of them.

CAMERON WAKE (NYSE: WAKE) +3: He was one of the precious few shining lights for the SoFlo Sea Mammals. He will spend the remainder of the season explaining to rival quarterbacks exactly why he deserves a generous raise.

MIKE NOLAN (NASDAQ: MNOL) +2: The Fins held the Bears to 268 total yards, remarkable considering how long this unit was left on the field by an anemic offense that didn’t live up to its end of the bargain.

CHAD HENNE (NYSE: CHENN) +1: Why? Because he’s the best quarterback we have. Why else? Because it looks very much like Tyler Thigpen is not a threat to keep this gig. Henne’s career stats are the almost identical, maybe a bit better than Mark Sanchez’s. He needs to improve, but Chad seems to have found himself on a team that doesn’t have the slightest idea what its identity is.

TUMBLERS

BILL PARCELLS (NYSE: TUNA) -6: Nice little special on the NFL Network. Word getting out that he’d like to “do this” again. What does that mean exactly? The Tuna is done in South Florida, even if he’s still taking Tony’s panicked phone calls. Just a little strange, to see him act as if the job here is complete.

TYLER THIGPEN (NASDAQ: THIG) -12: This was a disaster of an IPO. Thigpen looked like a college player out there. We were 1-11 on 3rd downs. If he plans to grab hold of the quarterback position, this was a hell of a way to start.

DAN HENNING (NASDAQ: DHEN) -18: Please God, make it stop! Somehow Henning spent the offseason taking the #4 rushing team in the NFL and rendering us completely unable to run the ball. A shutout? Really? Penny stock bin. Any minute now.

TONY SPARANO (NYSE: TSPAR) -21: The injuries have been absurd, but watch as Tony starts going for those 4th downs as our season winds down. Watch as he tries to forge ahead for touchdowns rather than trotting Dan Carpenter onto the field. Watch as he goes for the lead, rather than playing just to stay close. Question is, why do we have to be out of the playoff hunt for those things to start happening?

SUMMARY

A shutout? This was truly our last chance to stay in the hunt. Instead, we don’t even get off the bus? A goose egg, followed by a weekend watching the Steelers, Ravens, Jets and Patriots pull further ahead. The two Wild Cards are coming out of that quartet. Mark it down.

Owner Stephen Ross has an interesting couple of months ahead of him. Bill Parcells is as good as gone. The Tuna’s protege is 23-19 as Miami’s head coach, with a team in alarming disarray, clearly playing 3rd fiddle in the AFC East. Yet the Dolphins have a lot of talent, and a lot of youth. This is NOT a rebuild. This is not a shabby gig to fall into, and Ross would certainly have a lot of web traffic if he posted this gig on Monster.com.

gruden_j@espn.com: Hey U. Wondering if job still open? Resume attached. TTFN, Lucky Chucky.

bcowher1957@earthlink.net: Wussup? I would be gr8 4 this job. Hard to type with these rings on hand. Position still open?

robryan@clevelandbrowns.net: Hey Dude. Can’t w8 to beat my broz ass. Can I coach the Dolphinz pleez? We’ll crack skullz! Also, what is snack room like in Davie? LOL.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

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