Top 10 Landing Spots for Jon “Crazylegs” Gruden

6 Dec

First things first. These are teams that could theoretically be looking for a new coach, or at least teams that might make a change if they knew someone like Jon Gruden would ride into town on the Maddencruiser, clipboard in hand. I have included our SoFlo Sea Mammals on the list, assuming nothing spectacular happens over the next four games. Parcells has yanked his golden parachute, and Tony could be left dangling.

A few notes in advance. I think Jason Garrett’s going to keep the Dallas job, so the Cowboys aren’t on here. They’ve shown some life, and Jerry Jones can still control JG like some life-sized, Ivy League sock puppet. I think Houston stays put too, though I’m not sure if that’s the right call. I have the Brownies giving Mangini another go in 2011. I’m still counting Gruden as the big fish. Cowher seems content off the sidelines for the time being. Also, I don’t see Gruden going anywhere other than the top three or four places on this list. Some of these would be suicide missions.

So, the top 10 destinations for Chucky…

1. CHARGERS – Norv’s boys started poorly yet again, and it could very well keep them from the playoffs. How Turner ever got the job in the first place is a great mystery. The road to the playoffs is much easier in the AFC West, and bottom line, these guys have a Pro Bowl quarterback. That goes a long way. Not to mention the weather is flawless, which would allow Gruden to continue to mask his legion of freckles with a nice tan.

2. VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson, Percy Harvin, Sidney Rice. An all-world back to build around. Still a strong rushing defense. The first knock on this job? A quarterback position in flux. The second knock? You’d have to live in Minnesota. No offense to Prince, whose Super Bowl halftime show remains the best of all time.

3. DOLPHINS – Stars on both sides of the ball. A stud bookend in Jake Long, a beastly wideout in Brandon Marshall, and a lethal slot guy in Bess. Cam Wake, Dansby, Vontae, and a great supporting cast on D, with mastermind Mike Nolan at the top of his game. This is not a rebuild. But, same as in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, the quarterback situation may be in a state of flux. Not to mention you immediately start with the Patsies and Jets standing in your way.

4. 49ERS – Some pieces to build around. Gore is strong, though Father Time may be creeping up on him soon. Crabtree shows promise. Vernon Davis is a monster. Patrick “Crazylegs” Willis is perhaps the best in the NFL at his position. But the true allure of taking the reins here would be the cupcake division. If someone could right the ship in San Fran’ it could mean a long run, with the Ws piling up.

5. BRONCOS – Knowshon has been rumbling lately, and Kyle Orton exceeded expectations in a big way. Again, a very winnable division, but this defense is deplorable. More than trading Cutler, or Brandon Marshall, Josh McDaniels’ greatest sin was letting Mike Nolan leave Colorado.

6. LIONS – Megatron is probably the best wide receiver in the league. Suh has been a monster in the middle. Jahvid Best is a home run waiting to happen, so long as his toes don’t fall off. But this team has no offensive line. No secondary either. There are a few pieces here, but it will be a serious undertaking.

7. CARDINALS – This is a rebuild with an asterisk named Larry. Maybe a tiny, oft-injured asterisk named Beanie too. Has a team ever lost as much as quickly as these Cards? Boldin, Dansby, Rolle, Warner. No wonder they’re back to the drawing board. The saving grace? It’s a gig in the NFC West, where an ounce of improvement thrusts you into the playoff chase.

8. CAROLINA – Steve Smith has been one of the most dynamic wideouts in the game, and Carolina has had 40 guys throwing to him this year. It doesn’t seem as if Carolina’s quarterback of the future is on the roster. Smith is slowly wasting away. DeAngelo is a free agent, which means Jonathan Stewart will probably be on the cover of the Panthers’ media guide next fall. He’s good, but J-Stew alone won’t cut it with the Falcons, Saints and Bucs in your division. Yikes.

9. BENGALS – Their defense is awful, and their offense is getting old. They share a division with the Steelers and Ravens. It looks like dark days looming for the Southern Ohio Siberians. They’d be wise to bring Rob Ryan down from Cleveland to put some bite back into these big cats.

10. BILLS – I think Gailey will get another frame to breathe life into the Upstate Bison, but you never know in this league. Plus this gives us an even 10 teams. Buffalo has shown flashes on offense, but not enough to compete in a division like the AFC East. It’ll be a long road back up in Orchard Park.

Of course, Gruden could always hold out for another year. He seems to love what he’s doing. Hell, he won’t stop jibber jabbering from kickoff to kneel-down. He’s in the cat bird seat. I’ve never known what the hell that saying means exactly, but I have a feeling he’s in it.

GO DOLPHINS! — and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

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8 Responses to “Top 10 Landing Spots for Jon “Crazylegs” Gruden”

  1. Shaggy December 7, 2010 at 5:32 am #

    Chucky could do wonders with Henne.

    • danewen December 18, 2010 at 8:43 pm #

      I agree. I think Chucky would see it as a great personal challenge to make Henne the star he sometimes flirts with being. We’ve got a young, top 5 defense. We’ve got an All Pro WR and a killer slot guy. If Henne could just consistently be “the man”, our offseason to do list would be about one thing, MAKING OUR RUNNING GAME DOMINANT AGAIN. Stud back in the 1st, or Deangelo Williams as a FA perhaps? Then beef on the o-line. Best maulers available.

  2. InFINcible December 7, 2010 at 2:09 pm #

    That would be sweet rumor is Ross has a thing for Gruden. Not sure how he is as a talent evaluator. Ireland needs to go but replaced by whom? I say throw $ at anyone from the Belichick tree. Too bad we can’t get Mcdaniels as OC with the bad blood with Nolan and BM.

  3. InFINcible December 7, 2010 at 2:21 pm #

    If we lose to the jets I can see Ross going with the current fad and canning Sparano and naming Nolan interim coach. Might hinder keeping him as DC later tho if we get Gruden.

  4. cs December 7, 2010 at 3:20 pm #

    Why do I keep hearing about Gruden, he is a terrible hc, a good oc at best, does everybody forget what he did in Tampa, took them to SB (with dungy’s team) then systematically destroyed that team HELLO!!! if he was that good he would already have a job. Please people think. We have alot of good young talent on this team (Thank you Irealand),
    Jon will just trade them all away for 5 yes 5 2nd and 3rd string QB’s.

    • danewen December 7, 2010 at 6:19 pm #

      Have to disagree. It is never easy to get to and win the Super Bowl. When’s the last time a QB like Brad Johnson won the Lombardi? Not to mention the team Gruden did build, the Oakland Raiders, also made it to the Super Bowl that year.

      The guy is smart, intense, he has a ring, and he hates field goals!

      Thanks for visiting The Bottlenose.

    • danewen December 18, 2010 at 8:36 pm #

      I think you’re underestimating how difficult it is to win a ring. And in his Super Bowl winning season,Gruden faced the very team he had just built, the Oakland Raiders. I think there are legit reasons that Gruden is right there with Cowher on everyone’s list. And no doubt, the Trifecta has brought in some good talent, to offset some of their misses.

      Thanks for visiting The Bottlenose!

  5. Boondock Saint December 14, 2010 at 2:08 pm #

    Nobody can do wonders with Henne.

    Gruden can however bring the fins into contention and at least have a shot at playoffs and he’s been to the big dance…unlike Sparano, who never coached more than 5 lineman.

    If not for Parcels, Sparano would still be fist pumping on Boyz’ sideline.

    Gruden has my vote.

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