Final Stock Report: DOW Degrades as Fins Enter Bermuda Triangle

14 Jan

DOW (Dolphins Overall Worth) As the SoFlo Sea Mammals watch the postseason : 454 (-81)


BRANDON MARSHALL (NYSE: BMARSH) +2: Well, The Beast almost had a 100-yard day, even in the Dolphins’ no-show performance against the Patsies. In fact, Marshall averaged 100 over his last three games, eclipsing 1,000 yards and logging 86 grabs on the year. He was as advertised, despite a handful of memorable drops. Gotta feel good about his relative youth, and what damage he could do if we had any sort of running game at all, or consistency at quarterback. One of the few steady stocks in the Miami market.

DAN CARPENTER (NYSE: DCARP) +1: Why a gain? Well, not to be overly negative, but the return of Tony “Sir Kicks-a-Lot” Sparano could mean another barrage of field goals in 2011. Tony detests going for it on 4th down, and if we’re even remotely within range, Dan’s number will likely be called instead.


CHAD HENNE (NYSE: CHENN) -13: “Checkdown” Chad was 6 of 16 for 71 yards, an INT, and a benching in his final chance to state his case.  At best now it seems Chad will be given an opportunity to compete for the 2o11 quarterback job, but will Tony Sparano yet again hang his hat on the troubled signal caller with his head coaching life on the line? We’ve got our money on a brand new direction.

TONY SPARANO (NYSE: TSPAR) -19: The team quit on him. The Owner tried to replace him. Don’t be fooled by the extension. That was guilt, coupled with an attempt to create the illusion of stability for future hires. Sir Kicks-a-Lot was almost sent to the gallows, but survived by the grace of the Football Gods. Tony has to fix this offense, or at least find someone who can, or he won’t be so lucky this time next year. He’ll also need to work on his alarming contentment with just staying in games, without actually trying to win them too. We don’t advise buying. We will be rooting for him, but with Rex and Bill waving down from atop the division, we’re having a hard time seeing Tony as 2011’s comeback coach of the year.

STEPHEN ROSS (NYSE: STROSS) -23: [Cue ‘Twilight Zone’ music here]. Sparano is told nothing, but Ross goes coach shopping. Or he doesn’t, depending on who you ask. Gruden declines an offer, depending on who you ask. Cowher reportedly refuses to speak about the job if we haven’t fired the coach yet. An urgent trip across the continent just for a latte with Harbaugh overlooking the Golden Gate? No talk of contracts at all? Did any of this happen? Ross denies making an offer to anyone. He denies any contact at all with Gruden or Cowher.  Did he really consider a new coach without even sniffing the two guys with Lombardis? Then, from the brink of a pink slip, to an extension and raise for The Mad Fistpumper? Watching Ross blow around in the breeze was a sad sight indeed.


Well, this was almost an entire team quitting to close out a losing season. Ugly. Perhaps the most meager offensive season in franchise history. We had fewer big plays this year than the Saints make in a half. Our running game, 4th in the NFL in 2009, completely disappeared. Our offense somehow plummeted after the addition of an All-Pro wideout. Back to back losing seasons, as our division foes in Foxboro and New York soared higher. Time for a raise and extension for the Head Coach right? Down is up in Davie, and up is certainly down. I’m sure Ross thinks this move will create stability. But if anyone was watching the last couple of weeks in Davie, they’re probably guessing that stability ain’t currently on the roster.

Now, before we collect a pile of comments about how negative we are, let’s look at the positives. When was the last time the Dolphins had a top 5 defense? God bless Mike Nolan, and may he remain with us next season. Cameron Wake is a sackmaster, a beast who will have us cheering for years ahead. Our receiving tandem of Marshall and Bess set the reception combo mark, and that was with some severely sketchy quarterback play. Incognito looked good at center toward the end of the season. THIS IS NOT A REBUILD.

A pulling mauler at left guard, some fresh legs in the backfield, and (gasp) a legit #1 quarterback, and Miami would look darned solid. Unfortunately that QB spot is usually the trickiest one to solve. We hope it gets done, and we’ll present our offseason blueprint to the proper authorities in the next week. We’ll post it here as well, for you to poke holes in over your morning Jamba Juice.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose


5 Responses to “Final Stock Report: DOW Degrades as Fins Enter Bermuda Triangle”

  1. Shula knows January 14, 2011 at 3:43 pm #

    Great article.

    Sparano is a moron and will be fired in 2011 when the season finally implodes.

    He means well, but you cannot ask a ditch digger to perform open heart surgery. Unfortunately, Tony is not qualified to be a HC. For all his troubles and good fortunate, fist pump Tony will walk away with 9 million dollars and take the “obligatory” year off to spend Ross’ money in 2011…LOL.

    If you look at the schedule, it will be supremely harder than 2010. The Dolphins play the NFC East All of whom will be improved in 2011 and may be the best division in football. We may go 0-4 against them. NE and Jets will also be better. 1-5 in our division could be realistic. That is 1-9 not counting some very tough AFC games. No Cleveland’s nor Detroits on the schedule. Even an improved Dolphin team will not necessarily be reflected in the w/l column. Not to mention, they will need to replace most of the offense in one offseason….new qb, new center, new guards, new rbs, new te….for a team that cannot get simple personnel decisions right. Good luck.

    Lastly, Sparano’s choice of interview candidates for OC should give a glimpse to his limited imagination and lack of credibility to field a winner. This team is doomed. I predict 6-10 for 2011 as a Dolphin fan for 20+ years. I did predict 7-9 for last year. I hate to be right and state the obvious.

    • danewen January 14, 2011 at 5:37 pm #

      You are dead wrong, buddy! We’ll be 7-9. 😉

      I think we’re on very much the same page, but I think Incognito will make a wicked center. Oh, and Tony’s OC choices are pretty limited, as whoever takes that job will be climbing onto thin ice right next to Sir-Kicks-a-Lot.

      Go Dolphins, and thanks for visiting The Bottlenose.

      • Joe Frankle January 15, 2011 at 9:40 am #

        Good job.

        Sparano stock should be junk bond status by now.

        Does anyone really believe the Phins will have a winning record next season? I wish I could, but do not think it is realistic. The OC looks bad no matter who they pick from the candidates they have interviewed.

        Keep up the good work,


      • danewen January 15, 2011 at 12:11 pm #

        Thanks for the support, Joe. I appreciate you dropping in at The Bottlenose.

        I think a very similar record to this season is likely. Our schedule is tougher, and may negate the improvements we make. And TSPAR’s status is indeed hanging by a thread. Only $8m in assets remaining for that sad, maligned stock.

  2. Rample January 14, 2011 at 8:28 pm #

    The Dolphins wouldn’t know talent if it crawled out of Sparano’s ass and shouted “good morning!”.

    You guys are too kind. 2011 Fins will be lucky to win 4 games. Say bye to Henne and hi to Luck.

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