The Bottlenose presents…
TEN EASY STEPS TOWARD MAKING ANDREW LUCK A DOLPHIN
We’ve crunched the numbers, we’ve made the phone calls, we’ve cracked the code. These are the ten steps we must complete to secure the first pick in the 2012 draft.
If your Head Coach takes zero chances, and has pretty much watched his entire team quit on him to close out his second consecutive losing season, give that man a raise. DONE
If you lose an offensive coordinator, find the guy who’s run the perhaps the worst offense in the NFL over the last two years, and hire him as a replacement. DONE
If you’ve got a mediocre tight end, give him a lucrative extension instead of the nose tackle who heroically anchors the line of your elite defense, and is about to enter free agency. DONE
Draft zero offensive skill players in 2011. Again. PENDING
Name Chad “Fra-gi-le, Must Be Italian” Pennington your 2011 starter. PENDING
Replace Vernon Carey’s secret twinkie supply with two secret twinkie supplies. Vern’ won’t ask any questions, and adding 30 more offseason pounds will officially make him the world’s biggest turnstile. This will give defensive ends a clear shot at Pennington’s good shoulder, and by “good shoulder” we of course mean the one still attached to his torso. PENDING
In a desperate attempt to create the next Vick-esque comeback story, convince Hendry Correctional Facility to parole Cecil “The Diesel” Collins three years early for work release as our new starting tailback. Sure he’s 34 now, but fresh legs baby. Fresh. Legs. PENDING
The Brandon Swap. Name Brandon Marshall our punter, and Brandon Fields our #1 wideout. Crazy? Maybe. We say just crazy enough to work. PENDING
Call a Hail Mary. On every play. PENDING
Only four players on the field at a time. Worked in ‘Hoosiers’, didn’t it? PENDING
We’ve already got a three step head start on this plan. Now it’s simply up to the powers that be to follow the rest of the blueprint and make the Luck pick a reality. We can do this, if we just don’t try hard enough.
GO DOLPHINS! And feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose