The Fibbing Fin: Dolphins Hire Elementary School Student to Replace Mike Nolan

28 Jan


Move over Mike Nolan. There's a new kid on the block.



Yesterday Matt Baker was just your average North Miami 5th grader, sitting on a shag carpet, playing ‘Call of Duty’ and eating Hot Pockets. That was before the phone rang, and an unexpected opportunity came his way.

“I thought it was like, my buddy Freddy calling,” explains Matt, his voice cracking slightly. “We usually meet at The Game Stop or whatever to like, check out the games and stuff.”

It certainly wasn’t Freddy. No, on the end of the line was Dolphins Owner Stephen Ross, who promptly offered Matt the defensive coordinator position with the venerable franchise. “I didn’t know what to say or whatever,” Matt says. “I’ve never done like, job stuff. But the money sounded totally awesome.”

The Dolphins hope it will be money well spent. Though releasing well-regarded Mike Nolan is a gamble, GM Jeff Ireland points to Baker’s impressive 56-12 record on Madden, as well as several crude plays the child scribbled onto his English folder in 2009, as proof that Matt is “one of the most innovative football minds at William Jennings Bryan Elementary School”.

In Davie, Baker will join a first time quarterbacks coach, a first time wide receivers coach, a first time running back coach, a first time tight ends coach, a first time assistant wide receivers coach, a third year offensive coordinator, and first time offensive quality control coach Tony Sparano Jr., who has already called Baker to offer his support, and to discuss Pokemon strategy.

“The youth movement is in full swing,” explained Ross, boarding his jet to interview a Girl Scout in Portland for the CEO position. “We’ve decided to be much more unpredictable next season. And the way I see it, nobody knows what the hell these people are going to do.”

— BS Newswire


4 Responses to “The Fibbing Fin: Dolphins Hire Elementary School Student to Replace Mike Nolan”

  1. LMAO January 28, 2011 at 11:49 am #

    Hilarious!!!! So true, they have no idea what we’ll do next year, but whatever it is I doubt it will be winning. Good hire though, such a shame about Nolan.

    • Dan Ewen January 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

      Look, they got the kid for $350 a week, so at least it’s a minimal investment. Thanks for dropping by The Bottlenose.

  2. Nate January 29, 2011 at 6:43 am #

    That was hilarious. “The youth movement is in full swing.” Awesome.

    This offseason is a major turning point for the franchise. This offseason will determine whether we become a decade long laughing stock or a serious contender. Right now, with the moves they’ve been making on the coaching staff, I’m leaning toward laughing stock.

    • Dan Ewen January 29, 2011 at 7:56 am #

      Thanks, Nate. Glad you enjoyed it.

      It’s tough to say re: 2011. The Daboll hire was mystifying, but when the perception is that you may be fired soon, you’re not offering much job security when you’re hiring folks. It was certainly a bargain bin hire, but on the bright side, when even the Brownies don’t want you, there’s nowhere to go but up.

      I am clinging to this: A few holes plugged and this team will be at least solid across the board. The #6 overall defense in football, and if we re-ink Soliai I think Nolan will keep as near the top of the heap. With free agency, a first and a third we’ve got a fighting chance to fill those holes.

      FA: Best mauler OL available.
      1st: Ingram,. Or another stud back.
      3rd: Trade for Orton (20TD, 9INT, 275ypg) or Vince Young perhaps?

      Just sayin’ it’s very possble to fill three holes. Last year Marshall, Dansby and Misi were brought in. The Beast and Dansby were darned good, and Misi was at least solid, with his best football still ahead of him. If we could land three big fish, no reason why we won’t be running the ball well again, with a steady QB leading the charge.

      Thanks for stopping by The Bottlenose.

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