The Fibbing Fin: Kyle Orton Consulting Neckbeard Expert Before Possible Move to Miami

29 Jan

Quarterback Kyle Orton and his stunning “neckbeard” have never regularly experienced South Florida heat and humidity. In college Orton played in the crisp autumn and chilly winter of rural Indiana. In the pros he has taken snaps in frigid Chicago, and the dry, mountainous air of Colorado. So while Orton may end up taking his talents to South Beach, he certainly isn’t taking any chances. Enter Dr. James Andrews’ Center for Neck Beard Studies in Athens, Georgia.

Founded in 2008, the CNBS two main goals are to learn more about the neckbeard, and to prevent neckbeard related injuries.”Once Lebron James grew a neckbeard two years ago we knew this was something that needed more study,” explains Andrews, attaching electrodes to Orton’s beard and switching on a series of machines and computers straight out of a Star Trek movie. “These players think it’s just facial hair, but we’ve learned that this grooming choice, or lack thereof, can have unintended consequences.”

Orton’s possible move to Miami has spurred Andrews and his team to learn more about the tricky relationship between humidity and neckbeards. The beard, coupled with the beastly heat and moisture, could easily spawn runaway fungus, or flesh-eating bacteria that could make its may through the entire Dolphin locker room. “If I go to Miami, it’ll be to win a title,” Orton explains as Andrews vigorously rubs ointment on his jaw line. “Not to have some rash eat my face off.”

And odds are that Orton’s face won’t be eaten off, thanks in no small part to the work of the CNBS. Already Andrews has designed a diet rich in keratin and Omega-3 fatty acids to strengthen Orton’s follicles before the possible move. He has also patented a chin strap that will periodically release conditioner into the beard on game day. “I believe Orton could be very successful in Miami,” Andrews explains. “So long as they add a franchise running back and fix that interior offensive line. I mean, what the hell happened there?”

Andrews is proud of the work being done here in Athens. Still, he laments the players he was unable to help, including Oberlin College linebacker Hughie Goldman, whose rapidly growing neckbeard became fused with his chin strap during an especially long game, ultimately taking his life. Or Utah State power forward Kyle French, who tore his neckbeard during an exhibition against the Harlem Globetrotters on live television. “That was the worst neckbeard tear I’ve seen. It was a grade six, and it took three hours to wipe down the court.”

Andrews shakes his head, reaches out, bumps fists with a smiling Orton. “Never again.”

–BS Newswire

 

Neckbeards. "The Silent Killer".

 

 

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3 Responses to “The Fibbing Fin: Kyle Orton Consulting Neckbeard Expert Before Possible Move to Miami”

  1. ...... January 29, 2011 at 2:46 pm #

    clean that sh** up!

    • Dan Ewen January 29, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

      This may be my favorite comment ever.

  2. bond, david bond January 29, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    Orton can reunite with Brandon Mashall and our speed receiver; whomever that proves to be!

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