The Fibbing Fin: Coaches Say Long Snapper Denney Destroying Locker Room

3 Feb

John Denney. Furious. Dangerous. Poisonous.

Pro Bowl Dolphin long snapper John Denney says and does all the right things when in the public eye. But a few coaches, demanding anonymity, have revealed the dark side of the 32-year old Mormon father of three. Denney’s locker room rampages, drinking binges, and diva behavior are now threatening to tear the team apart.

“Denney’s a beast,” explains one unnamed coach, with a haunted look in his eye. “He exploded on Paul Soliai after practice once, for accidentally drinking his Vitamin Water. It took five guys to pull John off of him, and two days in the hospital for Paul to recover.”

The team worked hard to cover up the event, but Denney’s irrational behavior is becoming harder to hide. One unnamed player describes an incident on a team flight in December, when Denney stormed the cockpit, demanding that the pilot do shots with him for over two hours under threat of physical violence.”Just terrifying,” explains the player. “But no one wants to stand up to the guy. Sure, he’s a long snapper, but he’s a loose cannon, and has the strength of ten men.”

Denney continued to rock the boat during Pro Bowl weekend, when he apparently became “violently impatient” during a tour of Hawaii’s Dole pineapple plantation. An enraged Denney reportedly picked over two dozen pineapples and hurled them at helpless employees and tourists for 45 minutes, until policemen were finally able to corral him using a stun gun and tiger tranquilizer.

The behavior has left GM Jeff Ireland and Head Coach Tony Sparano in a tough situation. They know Denney is a locker room cancer, yet they know he is one of the few players that fans come to see. “Denney’s crisp, between the leg long snaps are a thing of beauty,” explains SI’s Peter King. “Unfortunately the guy knows he’s irreplaceable, and is on a steeper downward spiral than any player in memory.”

“Watching ‘Seinfeld’ reruns, playing the violin, delivering food to the needy? These things are all for show,” explains another Dolphins player. “One minute he’s hammering nails with Habitat for Humanity, the next he’s standing on a table at a strip club, waving a handgun and making it rain Benjamins.”

“I don’t know what happened to John,” explains Ken Cazier, who accompanied Denney on his Mormon mission in 1998. “Once he signed that free agent contract down in South Beach, he jumped the tracks.”

Cazier chokes back tears as he recollects their past friendship, then shakes his head. “I just don’t know him anymore.”

— BS Newswire

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose


4 Responses to “The Fibbing Fin: Coaches Say Long Snapper Denney Destroying Locker Room”

  1. ??? February 3, 2011 at 8:55 pm #

    what? lol This is nuts, a stun gun and a tiger tranq? Wtf? They should make a documentary on this guy lol.

    • Dan Ewen February 3, 2011 at 9:33 pm #

      The long snapper has snapped!

  2. jim sharp February 4, 2011 at 5:54 am #

    Perhaps they channel that aggressiveness and make him into an inside line backer

    • Dan Ewen February 4, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

      Inside linebacker? I say we send him after bin Laden.

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