The Fibbing Fin: Team of Scientists Cloning Wooly Mammath, Also Dan Marino

10 Feb

KYOTO, Japan

International researchers at Kyoto University, in the process of cloning the long extinct mammoth, have begun the same process on Miami Dolphins legend Dan Marino, thanks to a grant from Miami Owner Stephen Ross, and  the private donations of over 58,000,000 horribly depressed Dolphin fans.

“We are fairly certain that by introducing nuclei from cells in Dan Marino’s right biceps into an embryo, we can clone him with 98% accuracy,” explains Professor Akira Iritani, as he guides a somewhat nervous Marino into his bustling laboratory.

Once the embryonic Marino is successfully created, it will be transferred into minority owner Fergie’s uterus for the remaining gestation period. “I’m willin’ to do whateva,” explains Fergie from her tourbus. “Let’s get it started up in here. Standin’ womb only, y’all!”

As Marino is sedated for cell extraction, he describes his decision to allow the cloning. “What has it been, 15 quarterbacks since I retired?,” asks Marino, starting to fade. “I couldn’t let that continue…I just…Hey, a unicorn.”

Scientists and the entire “Dolphin Nation” are hopeful that toddler Marino will be able to take the field by 2013.



Help us, Akira Iritani. You're our only hope.




2 Responses to “The Fibbing Fin: Team of Scientists Cloning Wooly Mammath, Also Dan Marino”

  1. Annoyed by fools February 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm #

    Newsflash: BS “Crazy Legs” Newswire is not funny. It’s stupid. Don’t waste anyone else’s time on it. Don’t try comedy, it’s not your thing.

    • Dan Ewen February 10, 2011 at 1:43 pm #

      Amen. I’ve been saying this for months now.

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