The Fibbing Fin: United Nations, Jimmy Carter Turn Attention to NFL Labor Emergency

18 Feb

The United Nations has decided to cease involvement in the historic, epic battle for democracy and freedom raging across the Middle East, instead turning its attention to the more pressing matter of the expiring NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement.

UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon spoke today of the desperate need for an agreement, adding, “My Redskins need a nose tackle, yo. We’ve got to get this deal done, so my boy Dan Snyder can do some shopping in the Paul Soliai aisle. Holla!”

Moon then donned a hog nose mask, and ordered all UN monitors and forces to New York City. There they will support the owners and players as they make the transition from the heartbreaking chaos of flying staplers and looted three-ring binders, to an acceptable peace.

Thursday evening President Obama summoned former President Jimmy Carter from rural Georgia to help broker the deal. As Carter arrived at JFK International he was forced to silence his cell phone, after over a dozen desperate calls from Egypt, Jordan and Bahrain.

“A bunch of gazillionaires deciding how to properly divide $9billion while eating quail eggs and kobe beef may not sound important to your average Egyptian,” he explained. “But football is freakin’ awesome.”

Carter then threw on a Roddy White jersey and danced “The Dirty Bird” into an awaiting Towncar.

–BS Newswire

Carter, as President, tending to less important matters.


20 Responses to “The Fibbing Fin: United Nations, Jimmy Carter Turn Attention to NFL Labor Emergency”

  1. Annoyed by fools February 18, 2011 at 9:04 pm #

    Once again…not funny, just stupid.

    And, i would love to write a guest column for you, but I will wait until there is actually something to write about, rather than make up lame crap. Let’s wait until something comes out of the talks, or the combines, or something discussion worthy.

    And by the way, it’s only the fibbing fin crap on the bottlenose that sucks. Well, except for the crap artwork of a porpoise with two tails! And flippers/hands that aren’t touching the triggers of the revolvers! What, was that drawn by a five year old?

    • Dan Ewen February 19, 2011 at 12:32 am #

      Wait, are you punting on this? Come on. Nothing to write about?

      None of the several hundred draft prospects intrigue you as a Dolfan? Any thoughts on Soliai? Show him the money or is he a flash in the pan? Can Starks play nose? Does Henne deserve one last look? Rookie QB or sign/trade for a veteran? Does Will Allen have a chance to start? Move Vernon Carey inside? Sign Ricky or Ronnie? Or both? Or neither? What might we expect from the returns of Odrick and Edds? Early mock draft? Trade down or stay put? Where do you stand, best player available vs drafting on need? Got an opinion on the labor dispute? Has Kevin Kolb shown you enough to warrant Miami interest? Is Incognito our center of the future? Where did Marshall’s touchdowns go? Where did ALL our touchdowns go? Why did our O-Line suddenly suck? What FA O-linemen should we target? What do you expect from Daboll? Any FA wide receivers we should be thinking about? Any surprise veteran cuts we should/could be considering? Any practice squad guys who might actually have a future with us? Did Nolan Carroll show enough at kick returner to keep the gig? Could Reshad Jones replace an aging and well paid Yeremiah Bell? What does Tony Sparano need to do differently in ’11? Is Marlon Moore our long lost deep threat? Where does Hartline fit in if we bring in a deep threat speedster? Or is Hartline the overlooked deep threat? How far behind the Jets and Patriots are we? How many holes can we reasonably fill this offseason? An early look at our 2011 opponents? The five guys Miami never have never let go? The five best FA signings in Miami history? The five worst? The ten worst draft picks in Dolphins history? The five guys you want to watch most at the Combine? Does Miami need to draft a pure return specialist? Is it time for an almost all offensive draft, similar to last year’s defensive one? What’s Jeff Ireland’s batting average so far in his career? Did that extension really buy Tony and Jeff more time? Nothing clicking for you, huh?

      Well, you let me know when you’re magic fingers get to typin’. ‘Til then I’ll be the guy who punches up stuff about his favorite football team over morning coffee, and you’ll be the guy who compulsively visits a blog he hates and comments over, and over, and over. Just bizarre.

      Are you absolutely, positively sure you aren’t hitting on me?

      • Annoyed by fools February 19, 2011 at 6:15 am #

        Don’t flatter yourself.

        All of those suggested topics for an article have been done repeatedly. There is nothing of substance to add. You know that, which is why you are trying to make humorous articles.

        Problem is, you can’t write humor.

        YOU just don’t get it…if it weren’t for me commenting on your “articles,” NO ONE would be. THAT’S how BAD you are at this.

        Wait for some news to happen then write about it.

      • Dan Ewen February 19, 2011 at 10:29 am #

        Don’t do that to yourself, man. I won’t let you. You’ve got something of substance to add on at least one of those many, many topics. I just know it. Your opinion counts. You count, buddy… But I can’t make you love yourself. I can’t make you believe in you.

        So it’s a punt. If any similar story or opinion has already appeared somewhere, it isn’t worth doing? You have cleverly set yourself up to never ever write this hypothetical story you’d “love to write”.

        Punt. Punt. Punt. You’re the Sparano of the web.

  2. Annoyed by fools February 19, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

    Nice try. I actually have a full time job that requires a lot of writing. I could write circles around you, and have…I’ve been a published author since I was 16. I’ve had two graduate theses published as well. It isn’t about loving myself, it isn’t about caring about my opinion.

    It is about quality writing. You haven’t got it. The fact you think any of your obnoxiously long list is worth writing about proves that you don’t have it. The fact that you try to write comedy proves that you KNOW it, too.

    Go ahead and call it punting if you want. It’s about knowning when to do something and when not to..when there is no story, you don’t write one up. But if calling it punting makes you feel better, go ahead.

    Calling me Sparano is funny, since you’re the Ryan Leaf of comedy writing.

    • Dan Ewen February 19, 2011 at 7:58 pm #

      Two graduate theses? Wait, was this the study on the rise of internet trolling in the Western World I saw published in The New England Journal of Rudeness and Douchebaggery?

      Holy crud! Why didn’t you tell me these things earlier? This whole time I thought I was dealing with someone who hadn’t written two graduate theses! Certainly if you had mentioned the considerable amount of writing you do at your nine to five, that would have put me in my place.

      If there is a God in heaven, he will point me in the direction of something Dave from Rochester has written. Lord, if Dave won’t bless me with an article for lack of ideas, please oh please at least allow him to cut and paste some of his treasured words right here. I will even settle for a link to something. Anything. This man is the literary Doogie Howser, and denying me a glimpse at his glorious prose is simply immoral.

      So, we’re up to seven straight posts from you that have nothing to do with football. If you ever get an unexpected dose of courage, or something actually moves you to write about the Miami Dolphins, I have created an email account solely for the transmission of that story. I will check the account roughly every two days, on the off chance that you send something.

      ‘Til then, or ’til you return to the glorious days (well one day actually, January 10th) when you actually had something to say about football, The Bottlenose is signing off from this charming exchange.

  3. joe February 20, 2011 at 8:41 am #

    I have to agree with “annoyed”!! You are not a journalist, and your site, blog whatever you call it sucks and always has sucked.

    • Dan Ewen February 20, 2011 at 9:42 am #

      Nope, not a journalist. And I’ve never claimed that my site is any good. If you don’t like it, no worries Joe. It can be easily avoided.

      What confuses me is the unhappy repeat visitor. Say there is a bar that a guy thinks is horrible. Just awful. The wait staff doesn’t shower. The floor smells like a urinal cake. The pool table is missing a corner. The place catches fire two or three times a week. Worst bar in town, with twenty other bars directly beside it.

      Who is the guy that constantly heads for that bar?

      • thefalloutgirl February 20, 2011 at 12:16 pm #

        I’m that guy who constantly heads to that bar. It’s inexplicable. I hate playing pool with only 5 pockets, but I can’t keep myself away from their splintered cue sticks. Freud talked about the “death instinct” and I think I must have it big time. I was at that bar last time it caught fire and got burns over 1% of my body. I still go back. It must fulfill a deep, dark need inside of me. I think that’s Rochester Dave’s issue. He’s an addict and his drug is Bottle Nose. Dan, you’re like the drug dealer who gave the first sample for free. You should be ashamed of yourself. You act like people have free will or something and can CHOOSE which blogs they frequent. It is NOT TRUE. The blogs choose us and we can’t escape. We are all victims of your nefarious typing. I’ll be at the horrible urinal-cake-smelling-bar tonight if you want to discuss further while a sweaty bartender serves us beer in lipstick-stained glasses.

      • Dan Ewen February 20, 2011 at 8:01 pm #

        I’ll see you there. I owe it to you. I owe it to everyone I’ve hurt.

      • Dan Ewen February 21, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

        Will this help, Fallout Girl?

    • Dan Ewen February 21, 2011 at 6:43 pm #

      We can easily avoid this down the line.

  4. Harry February 21, 2011 at 3:52 am #

    It is a shame I can program my Phins News overview in such a way that BottleNose posts are neglected. This is by far the worst newssite of the Fins.
    Your articles lack any relevant information which – and this the bad part – you try to cover with eye catching and provoking headlines.
    Man, this page sucks.

    • thefalloutgirl February 21, 2011 at 10:11 am #

      I feel you, Harry. I too can program my Phins News to avoid Bottle Nose – BUT I DON’T! This is what I’m talking about! I’m thinking of starting a support group for you, me and Rochester Dave. You guys want to meet me at that stinky bar tonight? Bring your own fire extinguisher.

    • Dan Ewen February 21, 2011 at 6:41 pm #

      Firsty, thanks for your visit. Secondly, there may be some confusion. I would never describe The Bottlenose as a “newssite”. That is certainly not what we do. That’s for The Miami Herald, Sun Sentinel, ESPN, etc. Unfortunately the idea of simply repeating info already reported by the news outlets doesn’t interest us.

      What does appeal to us? Discussing the future. Discussing how the team is playing, and how we might improve. A whole lot of opinions, predictions, kicking around ideas. The vast majority is opinion, not news, which I think is very common once you leave the strictly news outlets. And yes, occasionally I publish a joke story (always clearly marked as The Fibbing Fin). If you don’t find them funny, no worries. They can be easily avoided, and you can continue on to a less horrible site. is amazing. If you want only news, you can customize. Only news and news reporter blogs? Customize. Only fan blogs? Customize. It’s a great site, and he’s put a lot of work into including the “blogosphere”, while making it completely optional for guests.

      I have made this simple Youtube tutorial on how to avoid ruining your day with an accidental visit to this online suckfest.

      Again, thanks for stopping by. All the best.

  5. thefalloutgirl February 21, 2011 at 8:03 pm #

    WAIT – DON’T click it? Or DON’T NOT click it. Or click it but DON’T LOOK AT IT? Or click it and TICKET? Jesus, this is rough…

  6. A guy without two graduate theses published February 24, 2011 at 2:25 pm #

    Dan, keep up the great work. I love the dolphins and your blog is awesome. I don’t know about the graduate theses, but maybe someday you too can have a full time job that requires a lot of writing. Follow your dreams!

    • Dan Ewen February 24, 2011 at 6:24 pm #

      Full time job? Then who would write vaguely funny fictional stories about our third string tight end? Who? Answer me!

      • thefalloutgirl February 26, 2011 at 10:04 am #

        Just read that the carcasses of 20 infant dolphins washed up on the shores of Mississippi and Alabama yesterday. A real tragedy indeed. Some are blaming the BP oil spill. I blame this blog.

      • Dan Ewen February 26, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

        No, it was the spill. Which was of course caused by this blog.

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