The Fibbing Fin: Pat White Pushes for Tryout with Miami Heat

10 Mar

— MIAMI, FL

Former Dolphin quarterback Pat White wasted no time after hanging up his baseball cleats this week, immediately notifying Pat Riley about his availability. Thursday morning the struggling Heat received “game  footage” of White, though a closer look revealed that the recording was made at the William Jennings Bryan Elementary School playground in North Miami, that the goals were seven feet high, and White was playing against two female fourth-graders, one with a broken foot.

“I can make it happen for the Heat,” White explained, peeking through the windows at team headquarters. “I can duplicate my West Virginia success in any sport, at any time, anywhere,” he said, before accidentally banging against the glass and falling unconscious to the cement.

White and his agent/uncle Wayne have also contacted the Professional Golfers’ Association, the Professional Bowling Association, Major League Lacrosse, Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, the National Hot Rod Association, the Danish Handball League, and what remains of the USFL’s New Jersey Generals operation.

American Humane Society spokesperson Holly Turner addressed the situation early this afternoon. “We’ve seen this type of downward spiral before,” she explained. “Eventually White may become a danger to himself.” Turner later choked back tears. “If he continues to aimlessly jump from sport to sport, we may have to put the poor little guy down.”

But as White staggered to his feet and performed three hours of layup drills in the parking lot, one thing became clear. He won’t go down without a fight.

— BS Newswire

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

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