— MIAMI BEACH, FL
“Remember when I beat the Jets?”
That was the slurred question facing the many patrons of Joe’s Stone Crab yesterday during a terror-filled Monday afternoon, when a drunken Chad Henne accosted dozens of diners about his 2009 Monday Night Football victory over the Jets.
“It was crazy,” explained Hialeah resident Archibald Lopez. “He just kept asking about that game, and shoving balloons down his shirt.” Lopez assured Henne that he did indeed remember the win over the Jets, but Henne kept asking. “He wouldn’t listen, and we couldn’t even figure out where the balloons came from. It was terrifying.” Lopez and his fiance Bubbles McGee were still trembling hours after the encounter.
They certainly weren’t alone. Dozens of other customers reported a similar experience. Fort Lauderdale environmental lawyer Shantika Huang narrowly escaped Henne’s wrath. “I don’t like, even watch football,” Huang said. “I told him I honestly didn’t remember him beating the Jets,” she describes, wiping away the tears. “So he took my coconut shrimp and threw it into the urinal.”
Henne then pulled up highlights of the game on his rhinestone-crusted HTC Hero and forced diners to watch his touchdown pass to Ted Ginn for the next three and a half hours. Witnesses say once the battery ran out Henne tossed the phone into the deep fryer, briefly sang the Michigan fight song, then passed out into a plate of conch fritters.
Miami Dade police removed the unconscious signal-caller from the restaurant, confiscating over 80 balloons and a 50lb tank of helium. The police report states that Henne briefly awoke in the back of the squad car, asking the arresting officers if they remembered him beating the Jets.
The officers did remember the game, though that memory was reportedly growing fuzzier with each passing day.