— MIAMI, FL
In what experts are hailing as a brilliant strategy, the Miami Dolphins have decided to follow a draft plan drawn up by Daytona Beach 4th-grader Kyle Futz.
“Kyle’s plan would leave us in a much better position as a franchise,” explained GM Jeff Ireland, as he waited for the pre-teen Futz to exit Stephen Ross’ private jet. “Plus he’ll work with us for two bags of Red Vines a week.”
Kyle’s plan was at first drawn up in scented marker, on the back of a reading folder. However, when substitute teacher and former Dolphins first rounder Eric Kumerow saw the mock, he immediately dialed team headquarters.
The plan goes as follows, to the letter:
Trade pick 15 or whatever to Indapilois for Peyton Manning, and get like their first too or whatever.
Still get like A.J. Green with Indapoolis 1st round pick or whatever.
Get like an awesome running back with a second rounder we get for like a second rounder or whatever next year.
In the third or whatever, draft like the biggest, best guy to block for the running back ever or whatever.
In the fourth, we trade our fourth or whatever for Dallas Clark of Indapolos.
Trade the fifth and one seventh for Tom Brady. He’s really good so like we would give two picks or whatever.
Trade the sixth round pick for that awesome Jumbotron in Dallas or whatever.
Trade the other two seventh rounders for Chris Johnson of Teensee. Hes so good so we have to give two picks hes so fast or whatever.
Trade Brian Hartline or whatever to Indiianpolis for like Reggie Wayne.
Head Coach Tony Sparano could not hide his excitement about the new plan. “This draft will allow us to rotate Peyton Manning and Tom Brady at quarterback, while giving them Brandon Marshall, Dallas Clark, A.J. Green and Reggie Wayne to throw to. We will have Chris Johnson and another awesome running back, while also adding the biggest, best guy or whatever to block for them.”
Sparano smiled wide, rearranging the draft board in the war room. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of this.”
While optimism reigned, not everyone was impressed. Analyst Mel Kiper criticized the swap of Miami’s 6th rounder for the Jumbotron in Dallas, wondering where and how the Dolphins would hang it.