The Fibbing Fin: Mallett Family Builds Revenge Lair Off Cuban Coast

6 May


Ryan Mallett and his family have completed construction of a 30,000 foot revenge lair, for the sole purpose of waging a secret war on the Miami Dolphins.

The Dolphins showed considerable interest in Mallett prior to last week’s draft, but opted to strengthen other areas of the team instead. This left Mallett and his family no other choice than to declare war on the franchise and begin plotting their bloodsoaked, merciless revenge.

“It’s too bad,” explains Jim Mallett, while stroking a Persian cat and staring at a console of screens and blinking lights. “It could have been a beautiful marriage. But now it will be quite a messy divorce.”

Mallett then joins son Ryan at the “Cheetark” tank, where swarms of cheetah/bull shark hybrids tear a live sheep limb from limb, their spotted, furry fins soaked in blood.

Ryan laughs menacingly. “Once these Cheetarks reach South Florida, they will see the error of their ways. The people of South Florida will. Not the Cheetarks. Just to be clear, the Cheetarks will not see the error of their ways.”

Ryan’s Mother Debbie offers up a plate of Rice Krispie treats,  then reveals plans for a “Rattlepigeon”, a snake/bird mix that will be trained to find Jeff Ireland and deliver a venomous bite to the jugular.

Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick arrived moments later via black helicopter to deliver a crate of plutonium, three illegally smuggled panda bears, and a 2011 team playbook.



2 Responses to “The Fibbing Fin: Mallett Family Builds Revenge Lair Off Cuban Coast”

  1. jakerbeef May 6, 2011 at 7:44 pm #

    Excellent as always Dan. Keep up the good work!

    • Dan Ewen May 6, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

      Many thanks, good sir. Stop by anytime.

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