The Fibbing Fin: Angry Fan Demands Lex Hilliard Fathead

11 May


Infuriated Miami fan Giuseppe Wilkins left yet another angry voice mail Tuesday morning at the headquarters of Fathead Inc, LLC, makers of jumbo-sized, sports-themed wall decorations.

“Where the hell is the Lex Hilliard?” he screamed, pointing out that he has called several dozen times since Mothers Day, 72-hours ago. “Lex is about to blow up in your faces, yo!”

Wilkins then hung up and returned to his Lex Hilliard shrine, featuring several pastel sketches of the reserve tailback/fullback hybrid surrounded by candles. Above the shrine was a small television playing Hilliard’s three career touchdowns on a constant loop.

“People questioned his 4.66 speed,” Wilkins explained, “Then he had that eighteen-yard run that one time, and silenced the doubters for good.”

Wilkins then proudly revealed a 23″ tattoo of Hilliard across his entire torso, with Pegasus wings added to the running back’s shoulder pads.

“Is Lex Hilliard big and slow?” Wilkins asked. “Sure.” Then, a knowing nod. “Big and slow like a fox.”

Wilkins will spend the rest of the week starting a petition to add Hilliard to Miami’s Ring of Honor this fall, “Because he’s like totally going to end up there anyway.”


Go Dolphins, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose


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