The Fibbing Fin: Revis’ Swagger Stolen, DB Suspects Vontae Davis

29 Aug

All Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis has hired investigators to track down three gallons of swagger that disappeared from the defensive back’s luggage during a summer visit in South Florida.

“I went to Miami to work out with Vontae Davis and his boys. Next thing I know he and that tall guy are claiming to be the best cornerback tandem in the NFL.” Revis shakes his head. “They got their hands on some swagger from somewhere. You tell me what happened.”

Davis denies any wrongdoing. “I developed this swagger in the fifth grade,” the Miami cornerback claims. “I started talking smack to my teachers, knocking notes down when kids tried to pass them.”

Davis’ grade school Principal, R.J. Butterflood explains, “We didn’t know what had gotten into Vontae. Then our guidance counselor found a scientist in Denmark who had isolated the swagger gene.” Butterflood smiles proudly, “Turns out that kid had a sh** ton of natural swagger.”

Davis dropped Revis at Miami International Airport after the combined Jets-Dolphins workouts, and claims to have seen the aforementioned swagger in Revis’ luggage. That is exactly when Revis believes the swagger-lifting took place. Davis has denied the charges, claiming that said swagger was lost or stolen in transport.

American Airlines has denied any responsibility, even reprimanding Revis for packing it in the first place. “It clearly states in our guidelines, no flammable materials, no explosives, no liquids over four ounces, no weapons or cutting implements of any kind, and absolutely no swagger.”

An uncorked barrel of swagger caused the emergency landing of a Southwest 737 last February.

BS NEWSWIRE

 

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3 Responses to “The Fibbing Fin: Revis’ Swagger Stolen, DB Suspects Vontae Davis”

  1. Jakerbeef August 30, 2011 at 6:29 am #

    Nice! I like the change of pace now and then. Some articles funny, some of them downright satirical.

    We’ll need the cheering up when the season begins proper anyway…

    • Dan Ewen August 31, 2011 at 12:40 am #

      Thanks, good sir. By the way, word is that swagger may have been mistakenly shipped to Gatwick. Do you know anyone who works in cargo down there?

      Thanks so much for your comment, and for stopping by TheBottlenose.com.

      Dan

  2. winz305 August 31, 2011 at 8:38 am #

    Good article buddy… i like the part where Vontae said that he “had swagger since the 5th grade, knocking notes out of kids hands who were trying to pass them”, reminds me of me in high school. But when you watch Vontae and Sean Smith play you can see the swagger in them and i LOVE IT!!! We hadnt had anyone swag surfing on our team for a long time now, im glad this regime changed the culture that was once a laughing stock of the NFL.

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