— DAVIE, FL
In a surprising move, singer and Miami Dolphins minority owner Fergie has fired one-fifth of one percent of Head Coach Tony Sparano.
“It was, like, a no-brainer or whatever,” Fergie explained, looking at her reflection in a spoon at popular Coral Gables eatery Fontana’s. “He kept like kicking the ball and like not trying to get past the orange thingie when it had a four on it. And like, every time I go to Sunkist (sic) Stadium the other team has like more points. FML, right?”
Fergie was only authorized to fire a small fraction of Sparano, unlike Stephen Ross, who nearly fired 97.4% of the coach last winter.
Sparano caught wind of the partial firing as he prepared his team for a Sunday tilt with the Browns in Cleveland. An emotional Sparano addressed the team post-practice.
“Sure, the chips are down. But I stand in front of you still 99.8% employed by the Miami Dolphins. I pledge to give you guys my all, minus the 1/500th of me that will be moving on,” Sparano told his men, tears pouring from beneath his mirrored shades and drenching his newly svelte body.
The team seemed to rally around Sparano, though several anonymous players said they were only 32% sure about that. As of press time the fired portion of Tony Sparano was scheduled to interview with the Arena Football League’s New Orleans Voodoo for a Halftime Entertainment Coordinator position.
Ironically The Blackeyed Peas are already scheduled to play at four Voodoo home games.
— BS NEWSWIRE
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