The Fibbing Fin: Pop Star Fergie Fires 0.2% of Tony Sparano

21 Sep


In a surprising move, singer and Miami Dolphins minority owner Fergie has fired one-fifth of one percent of Head Coach Tony Sparano.

“It was, like, a no-brainer or whatever,” Fergie explained, looking at her reflection in a spoon at popular Coral Gables eatery Fontana’s.  “He kept like kicking the ball and like not trying to get past the orange thingie when it had a four on it. And like, every time I go to Sunkist (sic) Stadium the other team has like more points. FML, right?”

Fergie was only authorized to fire a small fraction of Sparano, unlike Stephen Ross, who nearly fired 97.4% of the coach last winter.

Sparano caught wind of the partial firing as he prepared his team for a Sunday tilt with the Browns in Cleveland. An emotional Sparano addressed the team post-practice.

“Sure, the chips are down. But I stand in front of you still 99.8% employed by the Miami Dolphins. I pledge to give you guys my all, minus the 1/500th of me that will be moving on,” Sparano told his men, tears pouring from beneath his mirrored shades and drenching his newly svelte body.

The team seemed to rally around Sparano, though several anonymous players said they were only 32% sure about that. As of press time the fired portion of Tony Sparano was scheduled to interview with the Arena Football League’s New Orleans Voodoo for a Halftime Entertainment Coordinator position.

Ironically The Blackeyed Peas are already scheduled to play at four Voodoo home games.


GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Fergie gets it started, Csonka-style.


One Response to “The Fibbing Fin: Pop Star Fergie Fires 0.2% of Tony Sparano”

  1. bond, david bond September 21, 2011 at 7:30 am #

    Sparano, you need to understand, the heat is not the same in miami. One practice in the miami heat is equivalent to 3 elsewhere. This is why the team, particularly the defense, burns out and looses ALL HOME GAMES! When the dolphins play out of town, they get an extra day of rest and generally win the game. So, please learn from these facts and make the adjustments. The bottom line is, when the dolphins play at home they need an extra day to recuperate from the previous draining practices. In other words, the teams NEEDS two full days of REST before every HOME game! If you follow this advice, I GUARANTEE that your team will start to win ALL of their home games.

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