The Fibbing Fin: Sparano Tears Both Rotator Cuffs After Carpenter Field Goal

27 Sep

Lost in Sunday’s horrific defeat at the hands of the Cleveland Browns was an unheard of double-rotator tear suffered by Tony Sparano during a fourth quarter field goal celebration.

“I’ve warned Tony in the past,” team trainer Gordon Lemming said. “I explained to him that field goals are often a sad consolation prize, indicative of an inability to finish the drill once you’re in the red zone.” Lemming shakes his head. “Hell, they taught us that in pre-med.”

However Tony’s jubilant celebrations kept coming, despite warnings from health care professionals and family. The overwhelming joy finally took its toll when Sparano tore both his left and right rotator cuffs in a six second span following the Dan Carpenter field goal that set Cleveland up for a winning touchdown drive.

Rehabilitation is expected to take six months. Miami Owner Stephen Ross is looking into his options, including placing Sparano on Injured Reserve, or the seldom used Pack Up Your Sh*t list (PUYS).

“It’s a shame, because Tony’s improved his physique tremendously since I’ve been working with him,” Lemming adds. As of press time Sparano had lost 277lbs through a combination of judo, low-carb dieting, and medical grade crystal meth.

Sunday’s incident presents Ross with the unique opportunity to fire a Head Coach with an injury settlement.



4 Responses to “The Fibbing Fin: Sparano Tears Both Rotator Cuffs After Carpenter Field Goal”

  1. Jakerbeef September 27, 2011 at 8:38 am #

    I can’t be the only one cringing with embarrassment at Sparano’s field goal celebrations. I’ve lost count of the times we’ve cruised down the field only to get jittery in the redzone and blow 3 plays. It does feel like “settling” to the fans, and I’m sure it does to the players as well.

    The team’s current failings rest heavily on his shoulders. Obviously he isn’t wholly responsible for the state of the team, not by a along way, but they’ve failed to even remotely take on his coaching philiosophies after 3 seasons under his leadership. For this reason, he must go.

    • Dan Ewen September 27, 2011 at 9:04 am #

      Perhaps a lesson for Ross, to go with your gut. This felt like an extension based on embarrassment and guilt.

  2. Finneus Finkhauser III, esq. September 27, 2011 at 8:58 am #

    Kinda feels like we’ll be hearing the “interim head coach Mike Nolan” announcement by next Monday.

    • Dan Ewen September 27, 2011 at 9:01 am #

      Anyone in Dade or Broward have an aqua three-piece suit laying around?

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