Pre-Week 8 Stock Report: Miami’s Beanstalks Go Limp as Stiff Giants Loom

29 Oct

Dolphins Overall Worth (DOW) as we tumble to 0-6 against Denver? 250 (-41 points)

RISERS

CAMERON WAKE (NASDAQ: WAKE) +1: This is to honor his two sacks, but he has not been wreaking havoc consistently. Opposing quarterbacks have had roughly 29 seconds in the pocket to find the open guy. It puts the Dolphins in an interesting spot regarding his possible extension/raise. His sack numbers will look good, but has he been a force this season?

REGGIE BUSH (NYSE: BUSHY) +1 1/3: Sure, Reggie did manage a respectable 4.2 yards per carry and a couple of catches, but this slight gain is for his refreshing honesty. “We stink.” He caught some crap for making that remark, but has stood by it ever since. Good for him. How else would you describe our play thus far?

MATT MOORE (NASDAQ: MMOO) +2: Not that he was great, but a rating in the 90s, no interceptions and a touchdown is worth a slight, and we mean slight uptick. He fed the ball to The Beast and Bess, and hit Fasano on a nice score. Solid play. Oh, and we are aware that The Beast would now like to be called “The Monster”, but we aren’t into players giving themselves nicknames. Nicknames come from other people, fans, journalists, some coincidentally named Nick.

TUMBLERS

DANIEL THOMAS (NYSE: DTHOM) -3: We can’t quite figure this kid out. He’s had his moments, but 2.8ypc against perhaps the worst defense in the NFL is not going to cut it. Is he the bell cow back we’ve been looking for? Time will tell. We’d like to see him run with a little more fury. Use that 230lbs, my man.

STEPHEN ROSS (NASDAQ: ROSS) -9: What a sad tap dance Ross has to do these days, pretending allegiance to a lame duck coach so as to not turn off the guys he’s about to try and replace him with. Have we reached out to Cowher’s people, as reports suggest? Or are we waiting ’til an official firing? Who in the hell knows? But Ross blew the coaching search last offseason, including Ireland on the hunt, which eliminated the big names who would have immediately sent Jeff packing. Football is won by decisiveness, not rampant “half-assery”. Ross is good at cutting checks, and courting vaguely famous people to buy fractions of the team. He should back the Brinks truck up to the house of someone with a Lombardi, and get the hell out of the way for the next five years.

TONY SPARANO (NYSE: TSPAR) -14: Sure, Mike Nolan deserves some blame for the collapse, but the inability to finish the drill in a near victory falls largely on the man in charge. It takes a hell of a limp noodle to drop a 15-point lead with less than three minutes remaining. Not to mention the “interesting” 2-point conversion attempt early in the 4th. Sparano’s is becoming a sad tale. The Tuna vouched for him, then yanked a Golden Parachute and ran for the hills. Then Ross yanked the rug out from under him before, get this, leaving him in charge out of pure embarrassment. Tony is flailing, with a locker room that stopped listening long ago, and not much support around him.

SUMMARY: The bright side? Well, as far as the NFL Draft order goes, a loss to a fellow crappy team is the same as a win over a great team. The Suck for Luck faction was able to find joy in what was one of the most humiliating losses in franchise history. We understand wanting the Dolphins to beat a team or two, but as we’ve learned, what good is it to sort of suck? The 2011 SoFlo Sea Mammals are doing their darndest to suck all the way, baby.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

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