Scathing Stock Report as Sputtering Dolphins Prepare to Unplug Chargers

15 Nov

Dolphins Overall Worth (DOW) as we prepare to host San Diego.  (472.4, -95.2)

RISERS

RISHARD MATTHEWS (NASDAQ: RMAT) +4.5: The lone riser after Monday’ nationally televised debacle. The young man out of Nevada had flashed in the past, but was drowned out amid the trio of contracts handed to wideouts last offseason. Rishard took advantage of the Gibson injury, and though it took a few weeks, he had a stellar game against the Bucs.

TUMBLERS

MIKE WALLACE (NYSE:MWALL) -2: Well, 15 yards on 7 targets isn’t the most inspiring line for the speedster. We’re not too down on Mike. He was matched up with Revis, and this offense isn’t clicking on all cylinders at any level. We expect a bounce back against the Chargers. If we moved Tannehill around a little we think we’d see Wallace get loose more often.

MIKE SHERMAN (NYSE: SHERM) -6.5: Still not moving Tannehill out of the pocket. Still one of the weakest screen pass games in the NFL, and if your offensive line is shite you’ve got to make defenses pay with screens. That last drive against Tampa Bay was pathetic. When we could run, earlier in the year, Sherm didn’t do it enough. Now the o-line is officially in shambles. He still seems content to leave Tanny in the crumbling pocket, with roughly 1.2 seconds to throw the ball. Our best guess is Sherman believes in his system so much, he’s incapable of realizing he’s trying to fit square pegs into round holes. Adapt, or have the 30th ranked scoring offense in the league.

JOE PHILBIN (NASDAQ: PHIL) -8: If he hasn’t already, Joe is in serious danger of losing this locker room. If this continues to spiral, his first stint as a head coach will be pretty short-lived. A season seemingly derailing, a massive, public embarrassment off the field, coupled with a nationally televised embarrassment on it. The Head Coach has to shoulder a few heaping helpings of blame.

JEFF IRELAND (NASDAQ: FIRE) – 12.5: Where to start? A draft class that’s done almost nothing. An anemic scoring offense, per usual. A revamped defense giving up almost 4 more points than last year’s unit. Ireland can’t last if the Sea Mammals officially tank from here on out. Ross must be decisive, for the first time in a long, long while. Speaking of…

STEVE ROSS (NYSE: SROSS) -14: Honestly, Ross has fumbled his way through the last five years. Fake firings, followed by guilt-fueled extensions. Or hell, secret extensions he’s too ashamed of to announce. Hamstrung coaching searches, led by a GM any hugely qualified candidate would have immediately pink-slipped. Is it any wonder no big name coaches were approached? Peyton would meet with Philbin, but wouldn’t meet with the man who’s prepared to write him a $90million check? You cancel that meeting, Ross. “The next quarterback of the Miami Dolphins is going to look me in the eye.” We would’ve loved to see him be a boss, especially when you’re clearly being used to drive up a deal elsewhere. Ross has failed to build an identity for himself as an owner, other than one with a constantly moving target. Make no mistake, Ross’ reputation will impact our coaching searches for as long as he owns the team. What size Brinks truck would Ross have to back up to Gruden’s house for him to ever consider going to work in Davie?

SUMMARY

Somehow our team still reeks of Bill Parcells. He yanked his golden parachute and Ross clung to Tony “The Snuggie” Sparano. After that died a painful death, Ross clung to Parcells’ lackey, Jeff Ireland. If this all continues to unravel, perhaps it’s the collapse necessary to finally fumigate team headquarters and end that Parcells stench once and for all. The problem is, Ross’ brand has been damaged through all this. His devotion to Parcells continued long after Bill waddled away from Miami, “moobs” in tow.

Whatever magical speech Joe Philbin has up his sleeve, he’d better dust it off and inspire this team. The winner of Sunday’s game will sit at .500. The loser can probably start keeping an eye on 2014 mock drafts. And poor Joe may have to start keeping an eye on the classifieds.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

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