Dolphins Simply Can’t Skimp at Left Tackle

4 Mar

The truth is, though Jeff Ireland presented several reasons to doubt his ability over the years, the straw that broke the prostitute mom’s back was his inability to address left tackle last offseason.

Dennis Hickey must not, cannot, put Ryan Tannehill out there, in his make or break third season, with another Swiss cheese offensive line. The SoFlo Sea Mammals weren’t lousy enough last year to have an elite draft pick, which leaves this writer hoping either Branden Albert or Eugene Monroe wind up in Davie.

Albert is, simply put, a known quantity. Is he elite now? No. But if we’ve got the cap space to protect the blind side with a proven guy, we simply have to land one. Monroe is intriguing. If you’re going to back the Brinks truck to a guy’s house, age is a factor. Pro Football Focus had him in their top 10 overall tackles last season, at just 26-years of age.

Great first move nailing Grimes down. Hickey now has to reverse course on our tragic o-line situation. It seems that putting that cap space to use on a left tackle is the smart money. Where we’re picking there will be elite prospects elsewhere on the line.

But skimping again on the blind side would most likely be disastrous. Here’s hoping Hickey knows our recent history, so we aren’t doomed to repeat it.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose


The Morsel of Hope I’m Clinging to for Next Season

27 Jan

“The number one factor in how we do it and specifically how it looks is going to be the ability of the players we have.” – Offensive Coordinator Bill Lazor

It’s a simple enough sentence, and a simple enough idea. Yet why did former offensive coordinator Mike “Snooze Bar” Sherman have so much trouble grasping it?

How many times did defenders burst through our Swiss cheese offensive line and we didn’t have a running back popping out behind them for a screen pass? How many times did we keep our 4.65-40-running, former wideout QB in crumbling pockets instead of rolling him out and giving him the option to use his legs?

The Dolphins knew. They knew once discussions about Branden Albert ceased that we were going to be rolling the dice hugely at left tackle. Jonathan Martin graded out poorly there in Jake Long’s place in 2012, and sure enough was a human turnstile this past season.  But if they knew, how in the world didn’t they adjust the offense accordingly? Roll him away from the pressure? Make aggressive defenses pay with screens? Buy receivers a little more time by moving your freakishly athletic gunslinger? We barely did any of that.

In the 39 times Tannehill ran, he averaged more per carry than Kaepernick, Wilson, Griffin and Newton. The dude has legitimate wheels. Half of his college highlight reel was him running, and ironically Mike Sherman witnessed it all first hand.  Tannehill’s ability is strangely ideal for a team with crappy pass protection. However, guys like Sherman are often married to their plans. Calcified. You would’ve thought we had Broncos-quality pass blocking by the frequency with which we left Ryan back there like a statue. It’s a near miracle he wasn’t badly hurt.

So what a breath of fresh air it is to hear our OC say (gasp!) that the offense will be tailored to the strengths of the players. Did anyone sense that philosophy in Davie last year? Felt like a whole lot of “square peg round hole” on the offensive side of the ball. We’re reminded of an SNL sketch with Christopher Walken. It was a “Top Chef” spoof that started with this:

“So for tonight’s quick-fire challenge, you will all be required to take one of the most well-known Chicago staples, the Deep Dish Pizza… However there is a catch. You may only use the following ingredients: Beets, couscous, frozen yogurt, medicine, a paper bag, stale Peeps, and this gum.”

So, amid a mess of an offseason, and the chorus of grumbles around the Dolphin Nation, that Bill Lazor quote is what we’re clinging to like a life preserver. Perhaps he’ll deploy our guys based on their strengths.  And perhaps, for the first time in way too long, we’ll have something cooking in that side of the ball.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

Updated Dolphins Power Structure Chart Includes Equipment Manager and T.D.

26 Jan
This should simplify things for next season.

This should simplify things for next season.

The Fibbing Fin: Ross to Name Operating System GM

19 Jan


Miami Dolphins Owner Stephen Ross emerged from a Saturday matinée of the new Spike Jonze film ‘Her’ hellbent on replacing former General Manager Jeff Ireland with a computer.

“I realized that an operating system could easily cross-reference every online scouting report and expert mock in the universe, then make picks and free agent acquisitions just as well as Jeff did,” Ross announced.

Experts hailed the move, citing the fact that a bundle of wires, plastic and data should be more infinitely more personable than Ireland.

The one time purchase of the operating system is expected to save the team roughly $3million, with no human’s salary to pay, a $755 price tag, and an estimated $87 in electricity costs per year.

“It’s really the perfect choice,” Ross explained., “A computer won’t mind being fired along with Joe Philbin 11 months from now. Not nearly as much as a human would. It’s more of an unplugging procedure.”

As of press time no name has been chosen for the new cyber-GM, although sources say Ross is choosing between “The iPunt” and “Lil’ Dawn”.


Philbin’s Survival Smacks of Sparano Part Deux

8 Jan

Allow us to tinkle on the Jeff Ireland firing parade for a moment…

We’ve blocked much of it from our memories now. It’s too painful. Tony “The Mad Fistpumper” Sparano had logged two straight mediocre, 7-9 years. Stephen “The Mad Waffler” Ross tried to have it both ways, sniffing behind Sparano’s back for potential replacements and embarrassing the franchise. Instead of moving on, which some part of Ross’ mysterious brain clearly wanted to do, he extended Tony, who had clearly lost the team. Miami had scored just over 13 points per game during a lifeless 1-5 home stretch. But Tony was back in 2011, at least long enough to waste another Dolphin season. It was confirmed that he had lost the team. That small, decisive segment of Ross’ cerebellum had been correct, though it was overpowered by the rest of our trusty owner’s mystifying noggin.

So here we are, after two mediocre years of Joe “Phlatline” Philbin, and genuine regression on many counts in year two. With the playoffs within reach, at the absolute worst time, Philbin’s Fins didn’t even get off the bus. These games were against two losing teams, with a trip to the playoffs on the line. Was it Jeff Ireland who had our squad playing like guppies at crunch time?

Forgive us for not doing any dances following the overdue jettisoning of Ireland and Sherman. This franchise just had a chance to boldly turn a page, to commit to a new direction and dangle a true clean slate at some of the bigger fish in the job pool.  Instead Ross has kept us in that soggy middle ground he seems so fond of. A coach hanging by a thread will greatly impact the quality of candidates we can attract. We’re shopping in the bargain bin, folks.

Here’s hoping our trip to the 99 Cent Store yields some inventive coordinating, and some better personnel moves. Truth be told the odds of Joe Philbin suddenly igniting this locker room are slim.

Maybe if he pumped his fists a little more often? Sigh.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

Stock Report with Fins Postseason Up in the Air

28 Dec

Dolphins Overall Worth (DOW) as the bipolar Dolphins face the Jests.  (572.1 -82.0)


NOLAN CARROLL (NASDAQ: CARL) +1: Throwing the Sea Mammals a bone here and naming a riser after last week’s debacle. Nolan had a sack and a pick, so if there’s one Fin who deserves a golf clap it’s him.


JOE PHILBIN (NASDAQ: PHIL) – 11.25: Sorry JP, but when your team doesn’t even get off the bus in a game this big much blame goes the Head Coach’s way. What the hell was that? Who’s to say we’ll even beat the Jets? Get these guys motivated.

MIKE SHERMAN (NYSE: SHERM) -27.5: To put up zero points, ZERO, against a losing team with the playoffs on the line was a joke. Daniel Thomas is shite. He just is. And it’s not like he can block much better than Lamar Miller anyway. They both get bulldozed, so why not have the big play guy in there? Three touches for Miller? Three? And Sherm’, your use of Tannehill is a joke. A more inventive OC would have a field day with Ryan’s physical gifts. We hardly move him at all. Seven sacks? Not one designed rollout? Maybe one screen pass the whole day? If you make adjustments at halftime, they’re never apparent. We could go on and on.

JEFF IRELAND (NASDAQ: FIRE) -33: This offense is 28th in the league. This defense is 20th in the league. The offseason was largely much ado about nothing. We are left with just as many questions this coming offseason as last year. We have precious little confidence in Jeff, and if we squeak into the playoffs we will extend precious little credit in Ireland’s direction.


Yet with all the negativity, we may make the playoffs tomorrow. How in the hell? One reason, and it’s why we aren’t prepared to put him in the tumblers section despite an awful stat line against Buffalo. Ryan Tannehill has improved greatly. He can be downright dangerous when deployed correctly. We have no idea what to expect game plan-wise tomorrow. We have no idea if we’ll keep him cemented in the pocket for the Jets to blitz him into mush, or if we’ll show some different looks. But if we falter after a “two wins vs. losing teams and we’re in” scenario, doesn’t that warrant changes? Could we honestly call this season a quantum leap over last year’s 7-9 campaign? It’s hard to know which Dolphins team will show up from week to week. At their worst they break our hearts. At their best they’re pretty dangerous. If they make the dance they might be a tough out.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

Stock Report as Fighting Fins Face Buffalo

22 Dec

Dolphins Overall Worth (DOW) as the Dolphins as the Buffalo downpour awaits.  (654.1 +75.3)


MICHAEL THOMAS (NASDAQ: MTOM) +2: How wonderful was that? Thomas may never see the field again and his legend would be secure. Signed off a practice squad only to intercept a Hall of Famer at the end of regulation and perhaps punch our ticket back to the postseason? That’s some Hollywood stuff right there.

MIKE WALLACE (NYSE: MWALL) +8.5: Wallace brought the Sea Mammals to life last week with his run after the catch. We predicted 125 and a touch, and he was darned close. He’s been bagged on a little this season, as his contract was massive. Still, Wallace is at 900 total yards with two games to go. His quarterback is just now coming into his own and, at just 27, Wallace will be a great asset over the next few years.

RYAN TANNEHILL (NYSE: TANNY) +12.5: Last week could have been the moment, and Football Gods willing it was, that Miami’s next great sounded his barbaric yawp across the landscape of the great American gridiron for all to hear.  An aging Brady falling short, while an ascending gunslinger shot the Patsies down. It was stellar, and we hope just the start of things to come. Also worth noting that Tanny was kept in the pocket almost all day. It’s great to see him excel back there, but we hope we never forget the type of mismatches his athleticism creates.


No way in hell I’m listing a tumbler after a win like that.


Petrified of the weather in Buffalo. Dr. T has been slinging it so well, and we hate the idea of his arm being neutralized by driving rain and wind. We out-slug the Bills and we get the Jests at Sun Life for a trip to the playoffs. That smells like a party to us. But that party can only happen if we take care of business in Upstate New York.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose