First things first. These are teams that could theoretically be looking for a new coach, or at least teams that might make a change if they knew someone like Jon Gruden would ride into town on the Maddencruiser, clipboard in hand. I have included our SoFlo Sea Mammals on the list, assuming nothing spectacular happens over the next four games. Parcells has yanked his golden parachute, and Tony could be left dangling.
A few notes in advance. I think Jason Garrett’s going to keep the Dallas job, so the Cowboys aren’t on here. They’ve shown some life, and Jerry Jones can still control JG like some life-sized, Ivy League sock puppet. I think Houston stays put too, though I’m not sure if that’s the right call. I have the Brownies giving Mangini another go in 2011. I’m still counting Gruden as the big fish. Cowher seems content off the sidelines for the time being. Also, I don’t see Gruden going anywhere other than the top three or four places on this list. Some of these would be suicide missions.
So, the top 10 destinations for Chucky…
1. CHARGERS – Norv’s boys started poorly yet again, and it could very well keep them from the playoffs. How Turner ever got the job in the first place is a great mystery. The road to the playoffs is much easier in the AFC West, and bottom line, these guys have a Pro Bowl quarterback. That goes a long way. Not to mention the weather is flawless, which would allow Gruden to continue to mask his legion of freckles with a nice tan.
2. VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson, Percy Harvin, Sidney Rice. An all-world back to build around. Still a strong rushing defense. The first knock on this job? A quarterback position in flux. The second knock? You’d have to live in Minnesota. No offense to Prince, whose Super Bowl halftime show remains the best of all time.
3. DOLPHINS – Stars on both sides of the ball. A stud bookend in Jake Long, a beastly wideout in Brandon Marshall, and a lethal slot guy in Bess. Cam Wake, Dansby, Vontae, and a great supporting cast on D, with mastermind Mike Nolan at the top of his game. This is not a rebuild. But, same as in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, the quarterback situation may be in a state of flux. Not to mention you immediately start with the Patsies and Jets standing in your way.
4. 49ERS – Some pieces to build around. Gore is strong, though Father Time may be creeping up on him soon. Crabtree shows promise. Vernon Davis is a monster. Patrick “Crazylegs” Willis is perhaps the best in the NFL at his position. But the true allure of taking the reins here would be the cupcake division. If someone could right the ship in San Fran’ it could mean a long run, with the Ws piling up.
5. BRONCOS – Knowshon has been rumbling lately, and Kyle Orton exceeded expectations in a big way. Again, a very winnable division, but this defense is deplorable. More than trading Cutler, or Brandon Marshall, Josh McDaniels’ greatest sin was letting Mike Nolan leave Colorado.
6. LIONS – Megatron is probably the best wide receiver in the league. Suh has been a monster in the middle. Jahvid Best is a home run waiting to happen, so long as his toes don’t fall off. But this team has no offensive line. No secondary either. There are a few pieces here, but it will be a serious undertaking.
7. CARDINALS – This is a rebuild with an asterisk named Larry. Maybe a tiny, oft-injured asterisk named Beanie too. Has a team ever lost as much as quickly as these Cards? Boldin, Dansby, Rolle, Warner. No wonder they’re back to the drawing board. The saving grace? It’s a gig in the NFC West, where an ounce of improvement thrusts you into the playoff chase.
8. CAROLINA – Steve Smith has been one of the most dynamic wideouts in the game, and Carolina has had 40 guys throwing to him this year. It doesn’t seem as if Carolina’s quarterback of the future is on the roster. Smith is slowly wasting away. DeAngelo is a free agent, which means Jonathan Stewart will probably be on the cover of the Panthers’ media guide next fall. He’s good, but J-Stew alone won’t cut it with the Falcons, Saints and Bucs in your division. Yikes.
9. BENGALS – Their defense is awful, and their offense is getting old. They share a division with the Steelers and Ravens. It looks like dark days looming for the Southern Ohio Siberians. They’d be wise to bring Rob Ryan down from Cleveland to put some bite back into these big cats.
10. BILLS – I think Gailey will get another frame to breathe life into the Upstate Bison, but you never know in this league. Plus this gives us an even 10 teams. Buffalo has shown flashes on offense, but not enough to compete in a division like the AFC East. It’ll be a long road back up in Orchard Park.
Of course, Gruden could always hold out for another year. He seems to love what he’s doing. Hell, he won’t stop jibber jabbering from kickoff to kneel-down. He’s in the cat bird seat. I’ve never known what the hell that saying means exactly, but I have a feeling he’s in it.
GO DOLPHINS! — and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose
Tags: Cowher, Dolphins, fired, Gruden, Jon Gruden, Miami Dolphins, Ross, Sparano
Solid Dolphins Getting Beached by Joe “Queasy Does It” Philbin
11 NovThe 2014 Miami Dolphins are the 6th highest scoring team in the AFC, just a notch behind the juggernaut Steelers. The Dolphins field the #1 defense in the AFC. So how is it that the Dolphins face Buffalo this Thursday with their playoff hopes most likely hanging in the balance? We have to regretfully place blame on the shoulders of Joe Philbin.
In an alternate universe the Dolphins have been playing to win, and have put away six straight foes. We’re 7-2, and atop the AFC East thanks to our week 1 upset of the Patsies. In that alternate universe we’ve been playing to put games away, instead of handing the ball back to Pro Bowl quarterbacks and crossing our fingers.
Alas, this is the only universe we know. It’s a universe where our coach doesn’t believe in going for the jugular. He plays not to lose, and therefore tends to do so when the going gets tough. It is a universe where we claim Ryan Tannehill is “the guy”, yet don’t trust him to close the door on our opponents. And now it’s a universe where we’re once again in the muddled pile of Wild Card hopefuls we’ve grown so accustomed to over the years.
Detroit faked two punts this weekend, and went for it on a 4th and 6. While our masterful end game was to run Daniel Thomas and Damien Williams into the teeth of the #1 rushing D in football, they closed out the contest by trusting their signal caller, who slung passes on 11 straight plays, ultimately leading them to the end zone. They played to win. They did. They’re in first place.
And until Joe Philbin has some moment of clarity, or DirecTV starts offering Sunday Ticket Alternate Universe, such heights will probably elude us.
GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose, or our lighter side is available at @VaguelyFunnyDan
Tags: Dan Ewen, Dolphins, fired, harbaugh, jim harbaugh, Joe Philbin, Miami, Miami Dolphins, NFL, philbin, Ryan tannehill, tannehill, the bottlenose