Solid Dolphins Getting Beached by Joe “Queasy Does It” Philbin

The 2014 Miami Dolphins are the 6th highest scoring team in the AFC, just a notch behind the juggernaut Steelers. The Dolphins field the #1 defense in the AFC. So how is it that the Dolphins face Buffalo this Thursday with their playoff hopes most likely hanging in the balance? We have to regretfully place blame on the shoulders of Joe Philbin.

In an alternate universe the Dolphins have been playing to win, and have put away six straight foes. We’re 7-2, and atop the AFC East thanks to our week 1 upset of the Patsies. In that alternate universe we’ve been playing to put games away, instead of handing the ball back to Pro Bowl quarterbacks and crossing our fingers.

Alas, this is the only universe we know. It’s a universe where our coach doesn’t believe in going for the jugular. He plays not to lose, and therefore tends to do so when the going gets tough. It is a universe where we claim Ryan Tannehill is “the guy”, yet don’t trust him to close the door on our opponents. And now it’s a universe where we’re once again in the muddled pile of Wild Card hopefuls we’ve grown so accustomed to over the years.

Detroit faked two punts this weekend, and went for it on a 4th and 6. While our masterful end game was to run Daniel Thomas and Damien Williams into the teeth of the #1 rushing D in football, they closed out the contest by trusting their signal caller, who slung passes on 11 straight plays, ultimately leading them to the end zone. They played to win. They did. They’re in first place.

And until Joe Philbin has some moment of clarity, or DirecTV starts offering Sunday Ticket Alternate Universe, such heights will probably elude us.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose, or our lighter side is available at @VaguelyFunnyDan

The Fibbing Fin: Sparano Tears Both Rotator Cuffs After Carpenter Field Goal

Lost in Sunday’s horrific defeat at the hands of the Cleveland Browns was an unheard of double-rotator tear suffered by Tony Sparano during a fourth quarter field goal celebration.

“I’ve warned Tony in the past,” team trainer Gordon Lemming said. “I explained to him that field goals are often a sad consolation prize, indicative of an inability to finish the drill once you’re in the red zone.” Lemming shakes his head. “Hell, they taught us that in pre-med.”

However Tony’s jubilant celebrations kept coming, despite warnings from health care professionals and family. The overwhelming joy finally took its toll when Sparano tore both his left and right rotator cuffs in a six second span following the Dan Carpenter field goal that set Cleveland up for a winning touchdown drive.

Rehabilitation is expected to take six months. Miami Owner Stephen Ross is looking into his options, including placing Sparano on Injured Reserve, or the seldom used Pack Up Your Sh*t list (PUYS).

“It’s a shame, because Tony’s improved his physique tremendously since I’ve been working with him,” Lemming adds. As of press time Sparano had lost 277lbs through a combination of judo, low-carb dieting, and medical grade crystal meth.

Sunday’s incident presents Ross with the unique opportunity to fire a Head Coach with an injury settlement.

— BS NEWSWIRE

The Fibbing Fin: Pop Star Fergie Fires 0.2% of Tony Sparano

— DAVIE, FL

In a surprising move, singer and Miami Dolphins minority owner Fergie has fired one-fifth of one percent of Head Coach Tony Sparano.

“It was, like, a no-brainer or whatever,” Fergie explained, looking at her reflection in a spoon at popular Coral Gables eatery Fontana’s.  “He kept like kicking the ball and like not trying to get past the orange thingie when it had a four on it. And like, every time I go to Sunkist (sic) Stadium the other team has like more points. FML, right?”

Fergie was only authorized to fire a small fraction of Sparano, unlike Stephen Ross, who nearly fired 97.4% of the coach last winter.

Sparano caught wind of the partial firing as he prepared his team for a Sunday tilt with the Browns in Cleveland. An emotional Sparano addressed the team post-practice.

“Sure, the chips are down. But I stand in front of you still 99.8% employed by the Miami Dolphins. I pledge to give you guys my all, minus the 1/500th of me that will be moving on,” Sparano told his men, tears pouring from beneath his mirrored shades and drenching his newly svelte body.

The team seemed to rally around Sparano, though several anonymous players said they were only 32% sure about that. As of press time the fired portion of Tony Sparano was scheduled to interview with the Arena Football League’s New Orleans Voodoo for a Halftime Entertainment Coordinator position.

Ironically The Blackeyed Peas are already scheduled to play at four Voodoo home games.

— BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Fergie gets it started, Csonka-style.

You Don’t Look for a New Girlfriend in Front of Your Girlfriend

No, you break up with your girlfriend first. You’re pretty much done with her anyway, right? You’re pretty sure you can do better, and that it’s time for a change.

But you can’t sit her in the corner at the club and make her watch you hit on other, cuter girls. “Hey babe, sit tight, ’cause you see those three fly honeys? I’m gonna try and take one of them home.”

No, you don’t do that, ’cause if you don’t make one of those honeys your girlfriend, your girlfriend knows you tried to find a new girlfriend, and going back to being your girlfriend, like before, is simply impossible for the original girlfriend.

You also don’t do it because everyone at the club is watching. And your girlfriend has to sit there and try not to cry. And you look like the biggest d-bag ever. Or at least the biggest in South Florida.

GO DOLPHINS! – and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Week 14 Stock Report: DOW Fades as Half-Crappy Fins Flounder

DOW (Dolphins Overall Worth) as the Jets loom: 658 (-41)

ON THE RISE

MIKE NOLAN (NASDAQ: MNOL) +6: Josh McDaniels was pink-slipped this week, probably because this guy got away. He has been brilliant. Our defense held Hillis to just 57 yards. Cleveland was 2-14 on 3rd downs, and scored a lone offensive touchdown. The Dolphin defenders, as they have almost all season, held up their end of the bargain.

CAMERON WAKE (NYSE: WAKE) +2: Might as well cement him in the risers section. With another 1.5 sacks, he now leads the league. Just an animal off the edge.

TUMBLERS

CHAD HENNE (NYSE: CHENN) -3 3/4: Chad is infuriating. He has shown flashes of brilliance, followed by mystifying stretches of poor play. I think it’s safe to say that he has four games to convince Tony, or whomever his next Head Coach might be, that he’s worthy of the starting gig. He may have to do it without Brian Hartline. At least it looks like he’ll have Marshall. We’re hoping he can come up aces, ’cause breaking in a whole new QB can be a long process.

TONY SPARANO (NYSE: TSPAR) -6: The playoff chase is all but over for the SoFlo Sea Mammals. The 2008 turnaround season is even further in the rear view, and Bill “Crazylegs” Parcells is off snorkeling in the Caymans with his tuna brethren. If rumors of Ross’ infatuation with Jon Gruden are true, Tony better win down the stretch. Will 8-8 cut it?

DAN HENNING (NASDAQ: DHEN) -12: Here’s a little story about four stalled drives against the Browns. Two of them were ended when we went with completely empty backfields on 3rd and short. The other two were ended by runs on 3rd and long. Henning has been a mystery, wrapped inside a riddle, wrapped inside a thick coating of Ben Gay. He will be allowed to “retire”, though he could very well catch on somewhere else once the offseason game of musical coordinators winds down. Somehow the addition of Brandon Marshall has only worsened our offense. What happened to the #4 rushing team in the NFL?

SUMMARY

If the season ended today we’d pick about 15th. If Henne collapses, will we be high enough in the first round to draft a top rated QB? How about Mark Ingram to spark our running game? Yep, it’s time to keep one eye on April. And to pay attention to the temperature of Tony’s seat. Of course we’ll be cheering like hell. For a spark. For Henne to steady himself. For something, anything to hang our blowholes on.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Top 10 Landing Spots for Jon “Crazylegs” Gruden

First things first. These are teams that could theoretically be looking for a new coach, or at least teams that might make a change if they knew someone like Jon Gruden would ride into town on the Maddencruiser, clipboard in hand. I have included our SoFlo Sea Mammals on the list, assuming nothing spectacular happens over the next four games. Parcells has yanked his golden parachute, and Tony could be left dangling.

A few notes in advance. I think Jason Garrett’s going to keep the Dallas job, so the Cowboys aren’t on here. They’ve shown some life, and Jerry Jones can still control JG like some life-sized, Ivy League sock puppet. I think Houston stays put too, though I’m not sure if that’s the right call. I have the Brownies giving Mangini another go in 2011. I’m still counting Gruden as the big fish. Cowher seems content off the sidelines for the time being. Also, I don’t see Gruden going anywhere other than the top three or four places on this list. Some of these would be suicide missions.

So, the top 10 destinations for Chucky…

1. CHARGERS – Norv’s boys started poorly yet again, and it could very well keep them from the playoffs. How Turner ever got the job in the first place is a great mystery. The road to the playoffs is much easier in the AFC West, and bottom line, these guys have a Pro Bowl quarterback. That goes a long way. Not to mention the weather is flawless, which would allow Gruden to continue to mask his legion of freckles with a nice tan.

2. VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson, Percy Harvin, Sidney Rice. An all-world back to build around. Still a strong rushing defense. The first knock on this job? A quarterback position in flux. The second knock? You’d have to live in Minnesota. No offense to Prince, whose Super Bowl halftime show remains the best of all time.

3. DOLPHINS – Stars on both sides of the ball. A stud bookend in Jake Long, a beastly wideout in Brandon Marshall, and a lethal slot guy in Bess. Cam Wake, Dansby, Vontae, and a great supporting cast on D, with mastermind Mike Nolan at the top of his game. This is not a rebuild. But, same as in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, the quarterback situation may be in a state of flux. Not to mention you immediately start with the Patsies and Jets standing in your way.

4. 49ERS – Some pieces to build around. Gore is strong, though Father Time may be creeping up on him soon. Crabtree shows promise. Vernon Davis is a monster. Patrick “Crazylegs” Willis is perhaps the best in the NFL at his position. But the true allure of taking the reins here would be the cupcake division. If someone could right the ship in San Fran’ it could mean a long run, with the Ws piling up.

5. BRONCOS – Knowshon has been rumbling lately, and Kyle Orton exceeded expectations in a big way. Again, a very winnable division, but this defense is deplorable. More than trading Cutler, or Brandon Marshall, Josh McDaniels’ greatest sin was letting Mike Nolan leave Colorado.

6. LIONS – Megatron is probably the best wide receiver in the league. Suh has been a monster in the middle. Jahvid Best is a home run waiting to happen, so long as his toes don’t fall off. But this team has no offensive line. No secondary either. There are a few pieces here, but it will be a serious undertaking.

7. CARDINALS – This is a rebuild with an asterisk named Larry. Maybe a tiny, oft-injured asterisk named Beanie too. Has a team ever lost as much as quickly as these Cards? Boldin, Dansby, Rolle, Warner. No wonder they’re back to the drawing board. The saving grace? It’s a gig in the NFC West, where an ounce of improvement thrusts you into the playoff chase.

8. CAROLINA – Steve Smith has been one of the most dynamic wideouts in the game, and Carolina has had 40 guys throwing to him this year. It doesn’t seem as if Carolina’s quarterback of the future is on the roster. Smith is slowly wasting away. DeAngelo is a free agent, which means Jonathan Stewart will probably be on the cover of the Panthers’ media guide next fall. He’s good, but J-Stew alone won’t cut it with the Falcons, Saints and Bucs in your division. Yikes.

9. BENGALS – Their defense is awful, and their offense is getting old. They share a division with the Steelers and Ravens. It looks like dark days looming for the Southern Ohio Siberians. They’d be wise to bring Rob Ryan down from Cleveland to put some bite back into these big cats.

10. BILLS – I think Gailey will get another frame to breathe life into the Upstate Bison, but you never know in this league. Plus this gives us an even 10 teams. Buffalo has shown flashes on offense, but not enough to compete in a division like the AFC East. It’ll be a long road back up in Orchard Park.

Of course, Gruden could always hold out for another year. He seems to love what he’s doing. Hell, he won’t stop jibber jabbering from kickoff to kneel-down. He’s in the cat bird seat. I’ve never known what the hell that saying means exactly, but I have a feeling he’s in it.

GO DOLPHINS! — and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Week 12 Stock Report: DOW Demolished as Dolphins Dive

DOW (Dolphins Overall Worth) heading to Oakland: 642 (-70)

ON THE RISE

KARLOS DANSBY (NASDAQ: KDAN) +3 3/4: Dansby has been playing at a Pro Bowl level. 10 tackles, 2 for a loss, and a sack. There have been some free agent misses by The Trifecta. Karlos certainly isn’t one of them.

CAMERON WAKE (NYSE: WAKE) +3: He was one of the precious few shining lights for the SoFlo Sea Mammals. He will spend the remainder of the season explaining to rival quarterbacks exactly why he deserves a generous raise.

MIKE NOLAN (NASDAQ: MNOL) +2: The Fins held the Bears to 268 total yards, remarkable considering how long this unit was left on the field by an anemic offense that didn’t live up to its end of the bargain.

CHAD HENNE (NYSE: CHENN) +1: Why? Because he’s the best quarterback we have. Why else? Because it looks very much like Tyler Thigpen is not a threat to keep this gig. Henne’s career stats are the almost identical, maybe a bit better than Mark Sanchez’s. He needs to improve, but Chad seems to have found himself on a team that doesn’t have the slightest idea what its identity is.

TUMBLERS

BILL PARCELLS (NYSE: TUNA) -6: Nice little special on the NFL Network. Word getting out that he’d like to “do this” again. What does that mean exactly? The Tuna is done in South Florida, even if he’s still taking Tony’s panicked phone calls. Just a little strange, to see him act as if the job here is complete.

TYLER THIGPEN (NASDAQ: THIG) -12: This was a disaster of an IPO. Thigpen looked like a college player out there. We were 1-11 on 3rd downs. If he plans to grab hold of the quarterback position, this was a hell of a way to start.

DAN HENNING (NASDAQ: DHEN) -18: Please God, make it stop! Somehow Henning spent the offseason taking the #4 rushing team in the NFL and rendering us completely unable to run the ball. A shutout? Really? Penny stock bin. Any minute now.

TONY SPARANO (NYSE: TSPAR) -21: The injuries have been absurd, but watch as Tony starts going for those 4th downs as our season winds down. Watch as he tries to forge ahead for touchdowns rather than trotting Dan Carpenter onto the field. Watch as he goes for the lead, rather than playing just to stay close. Question is, why do we have to be out of the playoff hunt for those things to start happening?

SUMMARY

A shutout? This was truly our last chance to stay in the hunt. Instead, we don’t even get off the bus? A goose egg, followed by a weekend watching the Steelers, Ravens, Jets and Patriots pull further ahead. The two Wild Cards are coming out of that quartet. Mark it down.

Owner Stephen Ross has an interesting couple of months ahead of him. Bill Parcells is as good as gone. The Tuna’s protege is 23-19 as Miami’s head coach, with a team in alarming disarray, clearly playing 3rd fiddle in the AFC East. Yet the Dolphins have a lot of talent, and a lot of youth. This is NOT a rebuild. This is not a shabby gig to fall into, and Ross would certainly have a lot of web traffic if he posted this gig on Monster.com.

gruden_j@espn.com: Hey U. Wondering if job still open? Resume attached. TTFN, Lucky Chucky.

bcowher1957@earthlink.net: Wussup? I would be gr8 4 this job. Hard to type with these rings on hand. Position still open?

robryan@clevelandbrowns.net: Hey Dude. Can’t w8 to beat my broz ass. Can I coach the Dolphinz pleez? We’ll crack skullz! Also, what is snack room like in Davie? LOL.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Is Chad Henne the Fall Guy? Or is Tony Sparano?

24-37 for 217 yards. 22 of 34 for 231 yards. 19 of 28 for 240 yards in two and a half quarters of work.

These numbers, put up by Chad Henne over his last three appearances, aren’t exactly Marino-esque. But hell if they don’t look damned good compared to the display we witnessed tonight.

Tony Sparano pulled the plug on the Trifecta’s anointed heir apparent, and the Football Gods have made him pay ever since. Sure, they granted Miami a victory last week, reminding Tony of Henne’s ability for five drives before sending him to the trainer’s table as well. But this waffling at the most important of positions, involving the guy Tony and The Tuna hand-picked to revive the position in South Florida, may be remembered as the moment everything started to sour.

Chad Henne has still never played a full season as the starting quarterback of the Miami Dolphins. He’s thrown his share of picks, though if you look at the tape you’ll see that plenty of receiver miscues contributed to those INT numbers. Chad Pennington is the most accurate passer in NFL history at 66%. Is Henne God awful at 62%?

We still maintain that this was a panic move. Chad “Glass Jaw and All Other Body Parts” Pennington couldn’t make it through a series. And now that Tyler “Crazylegs” Thigpen hasn’t risen from the ashes like a glistening phoenix in shoulderpads, Tony’s got to shuffle up to the youngster again.

“So Chad. How’s the old leg doin’ there, buddy? You remember that benching a couple weeks back? I was just bustin’ your chops a little bit. You know you’re my guy. Dinner? Some popcorn? Maybe watch some game film together?”

Just for kicks, here’s the career tale of the tape between Henne and that glorious cheeseball in green, Mark “The Shirtless Wonder” Sanchez.

HENNE. 476-768 (62% completion), 5085 yards, 21TD, 25INT

SANCHEZ. 359-662 (54% completion), 4435 yards, 24TD, 26INT

Henne got the hook, while Sanchez remains locked in as the unquestioned starter. Perhaps winning cures everything? And perhaps when you’re losing, and your legend of a boss is sailing into the sunset, you tend to get a little jittery.

So now the Dolphins are forced to sit and watch this weekend as several AFC teams pull further ahead of us in the standings. Mathematical elimination won’t happen for a while, but the reality is grim. Brandon Marshall will soon be forced to punt his guarantee of a playoff spot, or to just drop it.

And we’re wondering, when Chad Henne once again drops back to pass for the SoFlo Sea Mammals, if he’ll be auditioning for the next coach?

GO DOLPHINS — and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Time to Put Dan Henning Out to Pasture

I’ll put up the first $20. If Dolphin Nation all chips in we can grab a nice piece of land in Kentucky, throw a cozy picket fence around it, and let Dan Henning make cute, little baby offensive coordinators for the rest of his days.

Now pushing 70, Henning has certainly put in his time in the coaching world. He nabbed a pair of Super Bowl rings while coordinating for the Redsins in the ’80s. helped get the Carolina Panthers to the Super Bowl during his six seasons there. Heck, he even enjoyed a comeback when his reintroduction of The Wildcat briefly set the league on fire.

But just glancing at Henning, it’s clear that he is past his prime. His gallop isn’t as sprightly. Seeing him up in the booth, dialing up plays while a jockey furiously whips him in the ribs, it just doesn’t make sense anymore.

If Henning breaks his leg one of these weeks we all know what it will mean. None of us want to see him put down, live on the Jumbotron, after yet another seven field goal game.

This is why the time is now to put him out to stud. A few lovely mares to keep him company, all the feed he can eat, and rolling bluegrass hills as far as the eye can see.

And far, far away from Davie.

GO DOLPHINS — and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose