Solid Dolphins Getting Beached by Joe “Queasy Does It” Philbin

The 2014 Miami Dolphins are the 6th highest scoring team in the AFC, just a notch behind the juggernaut Steelers. The Dolphins field the #1 defense in the AFC. So how is it that the Dolphins face Buffalo this Thursday with their playoff hopes most likely hanging in the balance? We have to regretfully place blame on the shoulders of Joe Philbin.

In an alternate universe the Dolphins have been playing to win, and have put away six straight foes. We’re 7-2, and atop the AFC East thanks to our week 1 upset of the Patsies. In that alternate universe we’ve been playing to put games away, instead of handing the ball back to Pro Bowl quarterbacks and crossing our fingers.

Alas, this is the only universe we know. It’s a universe where our coach doesn’t believe in going for the jugular. He plays not to lose, and therefore tends to do so when the going gets tough. It is a universe where we claim Ryan Tannehill is “the guy”, yet don’t trust him to close the door on our opponents. And now it’s a universe where we’re once again in the muddled pile of Wild Card hopefuls we’ve grown so accustomed to over the years.

Detroit faked two punts this weekend, and went for it on a 4th and 6. While our masterful end game was to run Daniel Thomas and Damien Williams into the teeth of the #1 rushing D in football, they closed out the contest by trusting their signal caller, who slung passes on 11 straight plays, ultimately leading them to the end zone. They played to win. They did. They’re in first place.

And until Joe Philbin has some moment of clarity, or DirecTV starts offering Sunday Ticket Alternate Universe, such heights will probably elude us.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose, or our lighter side is available at @VaguelyFunnyDan

THE OWNER (Ballad of Stephen Ross) – by Kenny Rogers

On a January day,
A team bound for nowhere,
Laid an egg in Foxboro,
It was a hell of a mess.
And The Owner got the feeling,
The players had stopped listening,
He headed out to San Fran’,
And so did the press.

He was meeting with a kid,
Who’d done real well at Stanford,
He’d shake hands with a coach then,
Shove him outta the way,
But the kid stayed put in NoCal,
And left The Owner hangin’,
And with another mess he,
Had to make okay,

CHORUS:
You got to know when to hire ’em,
Know when to fire ’em,
Know when to sign a guy,
When to make him cry,
You never give an extension,
When you’re in a downward spiral,
When the locker room is lost y’all,
It’s time to say goodbye.

Every owner knows that the secret to survivin’,
Is knowing who to pink slip,
And who to give a raise,
‘Cause every team’s a winner,
And every team’s a loser,
And the one who makes the difference,
Is the dude who calls the plays.

CHORUS

When he got home to Miami,
The Owner he turned yellow,
Called off the coaching search,
Gave raises out of fear,
He didn’t call up Chucky,
Or send a plane for Cowher,
He knew Fergie and some field goals,
Would make the Dolfans cheer.

CHORUS

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Trembling Ross Caps Off Nightmare Week for Dolphins

First, I watched the Dolphins completely and totally quit on Tony Sparano against the Patsies. Even our previously stout defense caved, in a “Tank one for the Gipper” classic that left my testosterone levels so low I couldn’t service my wife for almost four hours.

Then began a non-commital commitment to a new coach, with Sparano, despite having clinched his second losing season in three years, being kept on board during the search.

Apparently Bill “Crazychin” Cowher did not want to discuss a coaching vacancy that wasn’t even a vacancy yet. So that crossed him off the list. Gruden, one of the hottest names being kicked around, is rumored to have turned down an offer, one which has no doubt set the starting point for any future suitors. Harbaugh, with no intention of actually leaving the Bay Area, signed on with the 49ers, in a division where .500 ball will send you to the postseason.

So Ross spent this week simultaneously believing in, and being afraid of, change. That fear of commitment may have cost us Bill Cowher. It may have cost us Gruden as well. “Chucky” may have wanted more control than Ross was willing to give. And Harbaugh? Well, Ross was the chump, zipping across the country in his private jet, serving only to boost Harbaugh’s asking price elsewhere.

Which led Ross to a puzzling conclusion, that there were only three coaches out there better than Tony Sparano. Really? Only Harbaugh, Cowher and Gruden would have been enough to pry Ross away from Tony’s loving, fist-pumping arms?

So Ross folded. Not only a return to Sparano, but an extension and more power? Really? This man clearly lost his team. Are these players now expected to “un-quit” on this man?  Has anyone ever done less to earn an extension and expanded role?

Football is won, more often than not, by boldness. Ross half-assed this thing, and added another humiliating loss to this season.

The sad truth is, maybe he and Sparano are meant for each other?

GO DOLPHINS! And feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

   
    

You Don’t Look for a New Girlfriend in Front of Your Girlfriend

No, you break up with your girlfriend first. You’re pretty much done with her anyway, right? You’re pretty sure you can do better, and that it’s time for a change.

But you can’t sit her in the corner at the club and make her watch you hit on other, cuter girls. “Hey babe, sit tight, ’cause you see those three fly honeys? I’m gonna try and take one of them home.”

No, you don’t do that, ’cause if you don’t make one of those honeys your girlfriend, your girlfriend knows you tried to find a new girlfriend, and going back to being your girlfriend, like before, is simply impossible for the original girlfriend.

You also don’t do it because everyone at the club is watching. And your girlfriend has to sit there and try not to cry. And you look like the biggest d-bag ever. Or at least the biggest in South Florida.

GO DOLPHINS! – and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose