Tag Archives: NFL

Solid Dolphins Getting Beached by Joe “Queasy Does It” Philbin

11 Nov

The 2014 Miami Dolphins are the 6th highest scoring team in the AFC, just a notch behind the juggernaut Steelers. The Dolphins field the #1 defense in the AFC. So how is it that the Dolphins face Buffalo this Thursday with their playoff hopes most likely hanging in the balance? We have to regretfully place blame on the shoulders of Joe Philbin.

In an alternate universe the Dolphins have been playing to win, and have put away six straight foes. We’re 7-2, and atop the AFC East thanks to our week 1 upset of the Patsies. In that alternate universe we’ve been playing to put games away, instead of handing the ball back to Pro Bowl quarterbacks and crossing our fingers.

Alas, this is the only universe we know. It’s a universe where our coach doesn’t believe in going for the jugular. He plays not to lose, and therefore tends to do so when the going gets tough. It is a universe where we claim Ryan Tannehill is “the guy”, yet don’t trust him to close the door on our opponents. And now it’s a universe where we’re once again in the muddled pile of Wild Card hopefuls we’ve grown so accustomed to over the years.

Detroit faked two punts this weekend, and went for it on a 4th and 6. While our masterful end game was to run Daniel Thomas and Damien Williams into the teeth of the #1 rushing D in football, they closed out the contest by trusting their signal caller, who slung passes on 11 straight plays, ultimately leading them to the end zone. They played to win. They did. They’re in first place.

And until Joe Philbin has some moment of clarity, or DirecTV starts offering Sunday Ticket Alternate Universe, such heights will probably elude us.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose, or our lighter side is available at @VaguelyFunnyDan

Who Will the Dolphins Make Their Quarterback of the Future? – Fan Poll

22 Apr

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: United Nations, Jimmy Carter Turn Attention to NFL Labor Emergency

18 Feb

The United Nations has decided to cease involvement in the historic, epic battle for democracy and freedom raging across the Middle East, instead turning its attention to the more pressing matter of the expiring NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement.

UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon spoke today of the desperate need for an agreement, adding, “My Redskins need a nose tackle, yo. We’ve got to get this deal done, so my boy Dan Snyder can do some shopping in the Paul Soliai aisle. Holla!”

Moon then donned a hog nose mask, and ordered all UN monitors and forces to New York City. There they will support the owners and players as they make the transition from the heartbreaking chaos of flying staplers and looted three-ring binders, to an acceptable peace.

Thursday evening President Obama summoned former President Jimmy Carter from rural Georgia to help broker the deal. As Carter arrived at JFK International he was forced to silence his cell phone, after over a dozen desperate calls from Egypt, Jordan and Bahrain.

“A bunch of gazillionaires deciding how to properly divide $9billion while eating quail eggs and kobe beef may not sound important to your average Egyptian,” he explained. “But football is freakin’ awesome.”

Carter then threw on a Roddy White jersey and danced “The Dirty Bird” into an awaiting Towncar.

–BS Newswire

Carter, as President, tending to less important matters.

Don’t Just Blame the Refs, Blame the Extra Point

24 Oct

Obviously no discussion of today’s contest can ever take place without the horses**t replay being the 50,000 ton elephant in the room. It was simply horrific. It’s the new snow plow. It’s the new Ohio State/Miami, 10-second-delay pass interference call (granted this wasn’t a championship game). It will haunt Dolphin Nation for some time.

But we first reached for the antacid tablets way back in the second quarter, right after Davone Bess found the end zone on a superhuman 26-yard catch. The touchdown made it a 17-15 game. As the Steelers challenged, we were hoping the Dolphins were using the extra five minutes to dial up a play for a 2-point conversion. Of course, we were wrong, and Dan Carpenter popped the sucker through to ensure we were still losing by one.

Now please go easy if this is a stupid question, but in the game of football what exactly is the difference between being down by one point or two? Did Tony expect a game-winning safety in our future, that would only work if we were withing a lone point? Was he seeing some combination of field goals and touchdowns in his crystal ball that would suddenly make him look silly for trying to pull even with perhaps the toughest team in the NFL? Would anyone judge him for that if by some chance the score ended up that way?

So Tony played to stay behind. During the rest of the game the Steelers scored six points. And guess what? We did too. Game, set, match. 23-22. And that safe little extra point was the difference between an outrageous loss and an overtime period.

At one point during the broadcast Dan Dierdorf talked about Tony Sparano’s passion. It is clearly evident when you watch the man on the sidelines. He cares immensely. He cheers harder than any of those shapely gals holding pom-poms. But that passion is rarely evident when it’s time to take a chance.

No, Tony seems to prefer the safe route 99% of the time. Sparano isn’t going to stray from the handbook until he’s absolutely backed into a corner. Problem is, that’s usually too late. Instead we were left with a disjointed, joke of a two-minute drill, and an unshakable loss.

A second coin toss sure would have been nice.

"If it's fourth and longer than this, I'm kickin' it."

Brian Cushing’s Pants on Fire

13 May

Apparently Texans linebacker Brian Cushing, the NFL’s Defensive Rookie of the Year, is afflicted with a rare disorder that causes his body to naturally produce fertility drugs.

That is what the young man implied at today’s press conference. He is completely mystified by the presence of hCG ( used in fertility treatments, sometimes used to mask the presence of steroids) in his body, and is apparently even going to seek medical attention about the problem. Mysterious mentions of tumors as the possible culprit (they can release hCG) were thrown around as well, with absolutely nothing to back his words up.

Are you kidding me, Brian? Heck, at least have the class (yuck) to blame a tainted supplement. Or say nothing at all. Don’t insult the fans with this pile of garbage.

And the NFL needs to expedite its process. The Texans could have very well made the playoffs, if the Bengals hadn’t folded like a cheap tent and rolled out the red carpet for the undeserving Jets. Suppose Houston had made it to the dance, and knocked a couple of teams out? Or made it to the Super Bowl? Won it even? Or what if our own Jason Ferguson had ended up anchoring our Dolphins during a miraculous playoff run, stuffing Addai, Rice, and Ladainian on the way to the big show?

It would be a nightmare. Every huge play that Cushing or Ferg made along the way would be a question mark. This is a scenario that the NFL is flirting with, if t allows someone like Cushing, who tested positive in October, to play through an entire season (and postseason).

They held a re-vote for Defensive ROY. Though it was a smaller margin, Cushing still won. Don’t be fooled though, this wasn’t a thumbs-up to Cushing. This was the sportswriters wanting the NFL to be stuck with this, and to act accordingly. Though Cushing gets to wrongly keep the hardware, I like the move by the AP in not letting the NFL off so easy.

I thought this crap was reserved for baseball, which desperately clung to a phony long-ball era as long as it could, since it had reignited the ratings and attendance numbers.

I guess Cushing’s got a lot to lose, heading into just his second year. Plenty of endorsements, and future contract cash headed his way. Perhaps, like some of the baseball players we’ve heard from recently, Brian’s honesty will kick in once his playing days are over, when his body begins naturally producing truth serum.

Liar Liar?

Chad Henne to Vernon Davis?

6 May

The San Jose Mercury News is reporting that the San Francisco 49ers had planned to sign either Patrick Willis or Vernon Davis to a contract extension. They handed Willis $29million in guaranteed money this week, and will pay the linebacker an average of $10million per season. This could mean that Davis is set to become a free agent eight months from now. Or perhaps he could even be traded earlier?

Vernon Davis shook off the “Bust” label in a major way last season, exploding for 956 yards and thirteen touchdowns. He had as many scores as any wideout in the league, and finally lived up to that 4.38 40 time that had scouts drooling before the 2006 draft.

Last season was the worst for tight ends in Miami Dolphin history. Anthony Fasano and Co combined for 430 yards and 5 TDs. It was the black hole of our offense, though the front office opted to ignore the position in last month’s draft.

With a mega-talent like Vernon Davis possibly drifting towards the open market, the Dolphins would be insane not to at least explore the possibility. We could get in line with the other suitors once the 2010 season ends. Or, is there perhaps a chance of trading for Davis before the October 19th deadline?

The NFL trade deadline has been a real snooze-fest lately, as major mid-season deals have gone the way of the dinosaur. After only six games, almost every team will still have a chance. The chances of San Francisco letting a talent like Davis out of Candlestick that early are slim. However, if the price was right, and if the 49ers started out 1-4 (very possible looking at their schedule), perhaps he could be pried away? Especially if he’s going to be leaving ninety days later anyway.

Alright, fine, time for a reality check. It is extremely likely that the idea of adding Davis will have to wait ’til next offseason. But for now a fan can dream of Vernon and his Brother Vontae reuniting at Sun Life Stadium.

One word: STUD.

Brian Hartline is Pretty Freakin’ Good

2 May

What do Brandon Marshall, Calvin Johnson, Carolina’s Steve Smith, Ocho Cinco, and Andre Johnson have in common? They all averaged fewer yards per catch than Miami’s Brian Hartline.

The Dolphins held onto the tragic hope that Ted Ginn would emerge as a playmaking wideout for much of 2009. What did they have to show for it? 454 yards (11.9 per reception) and a single touchdown. In fact, in his entire tenure with Miami poor Teddy caught just five touchdowns. Count ’em. Five. Thank heavens the Trifecta pulled the plug on #19. It will be a much needed fresh start for both the Dolphins and Ginn.

Davone Bess was his sturdy, slot receiver self last season, hauling in a team high 76 passes for 758 yards and a couple of touchdowns. Greg Camarillo added 50 catches for 552 yards. However, neither of them averaged more than 11 yards per grab. It was Brian “Crazylegs” Hartline who emerged as the receiving corps biggest playmaker with four total touchdowns and 16.3 yards per reception.

With all the receivers fighting for receptions last season, Hartline never caught more than four balls in a game. It’s what he did with those catches that was impressive. Brian proved that he was more than just a good hands guy. He showed good speed, and a knack for the big play. He recorded the two longest receptions of all Miami’s receivers, with catches of 67 and 57 yards. Hartline also scored four times (one TD on the ground). And though 506 yards may not sound like much, when you look at the limited targets he received it hints that bigger things are in store for #82.

Obviously Brandon Marshall is coming in as our undisputed #1 wideout. So lets take a look at a pair of the NFL’s rising #2 WRs, and how Brian stacks up. I’ve chosen Pierre Garcon (wingman to Wayne), and Jeremy Maclin (wingman to Desean).

Maclin 55rec, 762 yds, 4 TD in 90 targets
Garcon 47 rec, 765 yds 4 TD in 92 targets
Hartline 31 rec, 506 yds, 3 TD in 56 targets

The key stat here is targets. With so many receivers looking for the ball in Hartline’s rookie season, he had only 56 chances to make a play. Both Maclin and Garcon were cemented into their roles in the #2 slot on their respective teams. Both had over 90 balls thrown their way, and both averaged about 8.4 yards per target.

Let’s assume that Hartline becomes the “Bake” to Marshall’s “Shake”. If Hartline reaches 90 targets he would have 813 yards and 6 receiving touchdowns, outperforming both Maclin and Garcon. Not bad, right?

But looking at the target numbers around the league is even more eye opening. If Hartline was targeted as much as Donald Driver (1b to Jennings) he would also be a 1,000 yard receiver. If he received the same targets as Anquan Boldin (1b to Fitzgerald) Brian would have 1155 yards and seven TDs. Boldin only managed 1,029yds and five scores.

Of course none of this is an exact science, but the numbers indicate that if Hartline was given a more prominent role, he’d be more than up to the task. Hell, if we really committed to him opposite Marshall he might put up Pro Bowl numbers. Math is fun, isn’t it boys and girls?

This offseason the Trifecta needs to decide if Hartline is a wingman or a 1b. Either way, it looks like the front office “done good” finding him in 2009’s fourth round.

If you understimate this man, he'll punch you in the neck.

Sneak Preview of 2011 Wonderlic

28 Apr

Monday night a section of next year’s Wonderlic was stolen from a confidential flash drive at their Libertyville, Illinois headquarters. The entire test will have to be redone due to the breach. But just for kicks, how would you do on these four questions?

17) What number should come next in the row below?
2   6   18   54   ____

18) A train travels 50 feet every two seconds. How many feet will it travel in a minute?

19) The tenth month of the year is?
1.October   2.January   3.June   4.September   5.May

20) Is your Mom a whore?

Jeff Ireland, Eldon Wonderlic. Same sense of style, same tough questions.

Rex Ryan’s Reasonably Rotten Reconstruction

25 Apr

Though they have become the media darlings of the NFL, something is starting to stink up North lately. Either Rex Ryan’s lap band has become infected, or the Jets are starting to botch this thing.

This team was two quarters from the Super Bowl. They led the league in both team defense and rushing offense. They’ve got a talented, young QB, and a tough, workhorse back on the rise in Shon Greene. They added Santonio Holmes at a bargain price, which was a great move assuming he keeps his nose clean. They also brought in Antonio Cromartie to strengthen the CB position opposite Revis. Not bad. But aside from these two moves, it has been a most curious offseason for Rex and the Gang Green.

They let Thomas Jones (1400 yards, 14TDs) head to Kansas City, Kansas City here he comes. In his place they bring in Ladainian Tomlinson (730yds, 3.3ypc), whom the Chargers dismissed even though he was the face of the franchise.

They signed Jason “Crazylegs” Taylor to temporarily solve their OLB/DE problem, never mind that he had all of seven sacks and 33 tackles in 2010, and recently turned 49.

Which brings us to the draft. Rexy-poo didn’t exactly plug holes this past weekend. With the signing of Cromartie the Jets already looked strong at CB. Their first round pick? Talented Boise State corner Kyle Wilson. So, passing against the Jets was difficult. Now, it’s…um…still difficult?

In the second round the Jets drafted offensive lineman Vladimir Ducasse. This is because they are releasing Alan Faneca, a perennial All-Pro guard, who they could have kept on for a total cost of $2.2m this season. Perhaps he mentors Vlad for a season? The Jets decided instead to part ways, and will put Vlad in there immediately. This is fine and dandy (I suspect we’ll be starting rookie John Jerry at LG), but it seems like a lateral move to us.

Then, in a very curious move, the Jets trade Leon Washington to Seattle for a fifth rounder (Christmas came early, Pete Carroll). Leon is simply one of the scariest players in the league. Sure, he wanted a raise, but he deserved one. The Jets drafted underachieving USC back Joe McKnight to help bolster their RB stable, but we’re not convinced. Rex has magically turned Thomas Jones and Leon Washington into Ladainian Tomlinson and Joe McKnight.

To close out their draft the Jets grabbed a fullback to make it easier to phase out four-time Pro Bowl FB Tony Richardson. Okay fine, but let’s remember that the Jets already had the top rushing attack in the league. This also smells like a lateral move.

Heading into the draft the Jets were expected to find an understudy for their OLB/DE position (JT’s almost certainly there for just one season). They had a need at safety, and health concerns on the interior of their D-line. Where they could have gone Jerry Hughes, they went Wilson. Where they could have gone Morgan Burnett, they went with a guard. Where they could have had Geno Atkins or Thaddeus Gibson, they were busy replacing Leon Washington with Joe McKnight. And where they went fullback, NT Cam Thomas was available at a bargain basement price.

We’re not saying the Dolphins had a perfect draft, but it’s nice to see that the Jets failed to address any of their main concerns this past weekend. In our opinion they even weakened themselves a bit.

Also, the Jets completely and unabashedly suck dolphin testes. Seriously, all of the Jets, their players, fans, and staff members, use this chart to locate and then suck the testes of male dolphins. It’s just a fact.

Mmmm. Dolphin testes.

Our Secret Weapon, Anthony “Crazylegs” Fasano

25 Apr

Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland smiled this morning, staring at the ceiling from the comfort of his salmon-colored, four-post canopy bed, his beloved porcelain unicorn statuettes mounted on the top of the bedposts, horns pointed gloriously towards heaven.

“Wait ’til they get a load of Anthony Fasano,” Ireland thought to himself, giggling and nodding slyly. “That’s 24.2 yards a game our opponents won’t see coming.”

Meanwhile, far from Dolphin headquarters, Jermaine Gresham, Rob Gronkowski, Dennis Pitta, Dorin Dickerson, Aaron Hernandez, Ed Dickson, Jimmy Graham, Tony Moeaki, Anthony McCoy, Clay Harbor, Jameson Konz and Jeff Cumberland prepared for their respective rookie mini-camps.