Solid Dolphins Getting Beached by Joe “Queasy Does It” Philbin

The 2014 Miami Dolphins are the 6th highest scoring team in the AFC, just a notch behind the juggernaut Steelers. The Dolphins field the #1 defense in the AFC. So how is it that the Dolphins face Buffalo this Thursday with their playoff hopes most likely hanging in the balance? We have to regretfully place blame on the shoulders of Joe Philbin.

In an alternate universe the Dolphins have been playing to win, and have put away six straight foes. We’re 7-2, and atop the AFC East thanks to our week 1 upset of the Patsies. In that alternate universe we’ve been playing to put games away, instead of handing the ball back to Pro Bowl quarterbacks and crossing our fingers.

Alas, this is the only universe we know. It’s a universe where our coach doesn’t believe in going for the jugular. He plays not to lose, and therefore tends to do so when the going gets tough. It is a universe where we claim Ryan Tannehill is “the guy”, yet don’t trust him to close the door on our opponents. And now it’s a universe where we’re once again in the muddled pile of Wild Card hopefuls we’ve grown so accustomed to over the years.

Detroit faked two punts this weekend, and went for it on a 4th and 6. While our masterful end game was to run Daniel Thomas and Damien Williams into the teeth of the #1 rushing D in football, they closed out the contest by trusting their signal caller, who slung passes on 11 straight plays, ultimately leading them to the end zone. They played to win. They did. They’re in first place.

And until Joe Philbin has some moment of clarity, or DirecTV starts offering Sunday Ticket Alternate Universe, such heights will probably elude us.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose, or our lighter side is available at @VaguelyFunnyDan

Meet New Dolphins Left Tackle, Jonathan Martimsislee

Hmm. Right around the time Jeff Ireland performed last rites on the Branden Albert idea he began hedging his bet, drafting mammoth blocking tight end Dion Sims, along with one of the best pass blocking backs in the draft in Florida’s Mike Gillislee.

We want Jonathan Martin to excel on the left side as much as anybody, but we’re not holding our breath (great analysis of Martin’s performance last season here, by the way (http://www.thephinsider.com/2013/2/4/3901992/miami-dolphins-season-in-review-offensive-line-trench-warfare). Heck, Jeff Ireland was obviously in the market for another player to protect the blind side.

But with the idea of Martin actually starting at that crucial spot becoming more and more of a reality, we made a couple of supplemental moves. Ireland grabbed Dion Sims, considered perhaps the best blocking tight end in the draft. He also imported Florida Gator Mike Gillislee, who in addition to his talent with the ball received rave reviews for his blocking skills from just about every scout and site you can name. Dustin Keller and Lamar Miller have their skill set, but legit ability to slow Demarcus Ware will probably never appear on their resume.

So perhaps we’ll be seeing a fair amount of Dion Sims just to the left of Jonathan Martin. It wouldn’t surprise us to see a whole lot of Gillislee in the backfield too, chipping whatever DEs and LBs are coming around the Martin. Oh, and let’s throw in a lot of Dr. T rolling to his right, just in case the “blind side by committee” falters.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

Top Ten Reasons to Put Away the Branden Albert “Haterade”

Lots of negative chatter about the SoFlo Sea Mammals’ discussions with the Chiefs regarding Branden Albert. The following list represents our best attempt at quelling this discontent as the draft approaches.

1. The trade hasn’t even happened yet.

2. Albert just turned 28, and Pro Football Focus ranked him as a top ten pass blocker the last two years (#7 last year, #9 in 2011).

3. He’ll cost us a 2nd rounder. Our most recent 2nd rounders? Jonathan Martin, Daniel Thomas, Koa Misi, Pat White, Sean Smith, Samson Satele, Philip Merling, Chad Henne and John Beck. Let’s stop acting like those second rounders are gold.

4. We’ve got TWO second rounders.

5. Jonathan Martin was a big, giant sketchball on the left side. I’m sorry. He was. He fell to the second round because people doubted his ability to lock down the blind side. He didn’t exactly face the defensive hounds of hell in the PAC 12, where 42-38 final scores are the norm.

6. To import Mike Wallace, Dustin Keller and Brandon Gibson (not to mention any additional targets we acquire in the draft) and not give Tanny enough time to get rid of the ball would be a humongous, crying shame.

7. Yes, a contract we give Albert would reflect the importance of having a good left tackle, but it will also be one that’s relatively painless to get out of after two seasons.

8. Jake Long’s last truly good season was 2010. The Rams are betting on him turning back the clock three years, and it’s an expensive gamble. Albert is playing at a high level NOW, and that means something.

9. When Jeff Ireland had to decide on Jake, the “big three” LT prospects hadn’t meteorically risen up the draft board. Things happen on a certain timeline. As things change, you play the cards you’re dealt. That’s what Jeff’s doing.

10. We’d get one less player if we traded up for a LT. Trading up would mean losing a second rounder. Suppose we did jump up. We’re talking about having just Lane Johnson, or having the guy we know is a top 10 pass blocking linemen (out of 70+ eligible players) locked in on the left side AND Tavon Austin, or Dee Milliner, or whatever player might fall to #12. Not to mention the possibility of trading down and adding more picks, and plugging more holes.

In conclusion, we’re not going to cry if we acquire a 28-year old, top ten pass blocker to protect Tannehill’s blind side, and pay him the going rate. Not to mention it’ll lessen the hurt when the trade also allows us to plug two other holes by the end of round 2.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @TheBottlenose

THE OWNER (Ballad of Stephen Ross) – by Kenny Rogers

On a January day,
A team bound for nowhere,
Laid an egg in Foxboro,
It was a hell of a mess.
And The Owner got the feeling,
The players had stopped listening,
He headed out to San Fran’,
And so did the press.

He was meeting with a kid,
Who’d done real well at Stanford,
He’d shake hands with a coach then,
Shove him outta the way,
But the kid stayed put in NoCal,
And left The Owner hangin’,
And with another mess he,
Had to make okay,

CHORUS:
You got to know when to hire ’em,
Know when to fire ’em,
Know when to sign a guy,
When to make him cry,
You never give an extension,
When you’re in a downward spiral,
When the locker room is lost y’all,
It’s time to say goodbye.

Every owner knows that the secret to survivin’,
Is knowing who to pink slip,
And who to give a raise,
‘Cause every team’s a winner,
And every team’s a loser,
And the one who makes the difference,
Is the dude who calls the plays.

CHORUS

When he got home to Miami,
The Owner he turned yellow,
Called off the coaching search,
Gave raises out of fear,
He didn’t call up Chucky,
Or send a plane for Cowher,
He knew Fergie and some field goals,
Would make the Dolfans cheer.

CHORUS

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Go Ahead Brandon, Enter Beast Mode

Why should Brandon Marshall hold back? Why should any Dolphin hold back, after this 0-4 start? Marshall has made some interesting statements about going ballistic on Monday Night Football against the hated Jets. He’s even been working on his punting again in practice. Something may be simmering inside of #19, and as long as nobody is shot, stabbed, or given a Colombian Necktie, we say unleash the beast.

Still looking for our first win, and heading into enemy territory against perhaps the best cornerback tandem in football, we would love to see Marshall shake things up. The Beast can be monstrous, and he thrives on emotion. If it takes him flirting with anger mismanagement to get him rolling, go for broke, kid.

He is a phenomenal talent. Talk of trading him is short-sighted. He’s under contract through 2014, and he’d make a hell of a safety blanket for Andrew Luck, Landry Jones, Matt Flynn, or whoever takes the reins of this offense in 2012. You bring in a first year starter without a #1 wideout and you often wind up with Sam Bradford. That isn’t a knock on Sam. His targets are what they are.  

Of course with Marshall it’s a matter of harnessing that emotion just enough, so he’s not thrown out of the game, and/or costing us field position. But really, “Calm down, Brandon”? “Take it easy”? This team needs some fire. Who’s it going to come from, Anthony Fasano? Nah.

The fire we need may have to come from the team’s most flammable source.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Dolphins Sign Reporter Omar Kelly

— DAVIE, FL

The Miami Dolphins know talent when they see it, so when local beat reporter Omar Kelly pummeled linebacker Kevin Burnett while Tweeting the entire time, Jeff Ireland knew it was time to face up to his mistake.

After the loss in San Diego, Burnett had several choice words for Kelly, challenging him to put on pads and “come at me like a man”. However, officials intervened before it became physical. Not so Tuesday morning, when Kevin Burnett cornered the Kelly outside of the weight room before being beaten unconscious by the 35-year-old reporter/blogger/photographer/painter/seafood enthusiast.

“It was insane,” defensive lineman Igor Olshanksy explained as he prepared a traditional broiled peacock for the upcoming Yom Kippur weekend. “That guy Kelly worked him over for fifteen minutes. It was some no mercy stuff. And Omar was Tweeting about it the whole time, which made it all the more impressive.”

Indeed Kelly sent over three dozen Tweets during the fight, including “Fighting Kevin Burnett right now. SMH”, “Tupac is better than Biggie”, “Totally beating this dude up LMAO. I need a good mix tape”, and several references to Deuteronomy 23:1. Following the fight a curious Jeff Ireland put Kelly through a workout before signing him as an upgrade at middle linebacker.

The Dolphins have also planned a charity auction to sell a 10′ x 5′ depiction of the brawl, painted by Kelly during the fight.

— BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Bye Week a Two Point Favorite Over Dolphins

— LAS VEGAS, NV

A flurry of activity erupted at the Caesar’s Palace Sportsbook Monday morning, as oddsmakers made the Miami Dolphins two point underdogs to the bye week.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” visiting software developer Bindar Dundat said, on his way to place a bet. “Normally a bye week has no chance, but something tells me this is the year.”

Miami wideout Davone Bess seemed anxious via phone, as he saved orphans from a volcano in Bali. “We simply can’t lose this weekend. Seriously, we can’t. Right?”

Excitement for this weekend’s matchup has grown. NFL.com sold more bye week jerseys on Monday than in the last three months.

A bye week has never defeated an NFL team in a non-strike season.

BS NEWSWIRE

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Dolphins Thin Yet Gigantic at Running Back

SIZE AND 40 TIMES OF MIAMI’S CURRENT RUNNING BACK STABLE

Reggie Bush 203lbs, 4.33

Daniel Thomas 230lbs, 4.61

Lex Hilliard 240lbs, 4.65

Charles Clay 245lbs, 4.69

We love the Reggie Bush signing, but the man has missed over 20 games thus far in his career, including half of last season. You never want to hear the words “microfracture surgery” in the same sentence as your top-shelf running back. Bush is a true talent, and he will allow Chad Henne’s short-game to suddenly become dangerous. But notice something about the list above?

If #22 goes down we might find ourselves in Fullback City. Though Long has been injured, has the play of our offensive line inspired confidence that a slower, big back will consistently find daylight? Aside from Bush our RB corps averages 238lbs with a 4.65 time in the dash.

It’s just a little something that jumps out at us on the current depth chart. This team was in desperate need of big plays last season. Adding Bush can certainly help to reverse that, and there may still be some roster moves in the works. However, as it stands the rest of the backfield could put us at square one if something big and hairy happens to the electric Bush.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

The Fibbing Fin: Experts Pick Miami to Finish Fifth in AFC East

ESPN’s Trey Wingo has joined the chorus of football minds picking the Dolphins to finish behind the Patriots, Jets and Bills this season. However, Wingo believes Miami will be so horrific that the league will be forced to place an imaginary team into fourth place, while leaving the SoFlo Sea Mammals in fifth.

“I just don’t see the Dolphins finishing higher than fifth,” explains Wingo. “I mean sure they have a top six defense, led by one of the best coordinators of all time. And yeah, they’ve got a franchise left tackle, a beastly wideout, and probably the best pass catching back in football. But I mean come on, the Dolphins are awful. Everyone knows that. Right?”

As of Wednesday morning several experts agreed that the Dolphins would finish “no better than fifth” in the AFC East. The Football Writers Association of America, or FWAA, issued a press release confirming that all but three of their members agree that the 2011 Dolphins will be “the worst professional sports team to ever wear cleats”. That included all baseball and soccer teams in recorded history.

Members of the NFL Rules Committee have flatly denied the possibility that Miami could finish fifth out of four teams, claiming it is a matter of basic math. However, Commissioner Goodell would not comment on the fourth slot in the division being awarded to a fictitious team, such as the “Syracuse Vampire Bats”, or the “Ocala Shi*stompers”, for the sole purpose of emphasizing how simply awful the Dolphins are.

CBS Sports’ Pete Prisco piled on late Wednesday afternoon, predicting that the Dolphins would somehow lose nineteen games.

— BS NEWSWIRE

The Fibbing Fin: Revis’ Swagger Stolen, DB Suspects Vontae Davis

All Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis has hired investigators to track down three gallons of swagger that disappeared from the defensive back’s luggage during a summer visit in South Florida.

“I went to Miami to work out with Vontae Davis and his boys. Next thing I know he and that tall guy are claiming to be the best cornerback tandem in the NFL.” Revis shakes his head. “They got their hands on some swagger from somewhere. You tell me what happened.”

Davis denies any wrongdoing. “I developed this swagger in the fifth grade,” the Miami cornerback claims. “I started talking smack to my teachers, knocking notes down when kids tried to pass them.”

Davis’ grade school Principal, R.J. Butterflood explains, “We didn’t know what had gotten into Vontae. Then our guidance counselor found a scientist in Denmark who had isolated the swagger gene.” Butterflood smiles proudly, “Turns out that kid had a sh** ton of natural swagger.”

Davis dropped Revis at Miami International Airport after the combined Jets-Dolphins workouts, and claims to have seen the aforementioned swagger in Revis’ luggage. That is exactly when Revis believes the swagger-lifting took place. Davis has denied the charges, claiming that said swagger was lost or stolen in transport.

American Airlines has denied any responsibility, even reprimanding Revis for packing it in the first place. “It clearly states in our guidelines, no flammable materials, no explosives, no liquids over four ounces, no weapons or cutting implements of any kind, and absolutely no swagger.”

An uncorked barrel of swagger caused the emergency landing of a Southwest 737 last February.

—

BS NEWSWIRE