Dolphins Can’t Win One for the Flipper

A lifeless Miami squad flopped around on the Foxboro turf for a few hours today. Winning one for Tony wasn’t enough. Winning for pride wasn’t enough. This team decided, shortly after kickoff, that enough was enough.  

The Bottlenose would like to thank the Patriots for not phoning this in, and creating the illusion that all is well in Davie by handing us a hollow victory. We got spanked by a better team. A team that goes for the jugular. A team that plays to win, from start to finish.

Tony Sparano is by all accounts a good guy. But on the sidelines, we can’t remember many times he has gone for the knockout blow. We can’t remember many times he strayed from the Conservative Coaching for Dummies handbook. Hell, even the most by the book coaches will throw a Hail Mary at the buzzer to go for the win. We kneel it at midfield

Sparano, an O-line coach, spent much of the offseason obliterating the interior line of the #4 rushing offense in football. Our running game is gone, and it has killed us all season.

Sparano hitched his wagon to Chad Henne. He was our secret weapon after passing on Matty “Ice” Ryan. This strategy is looking more and more like a failure.

Don’t be afraid of regime change. The Trifecta itself went 11-5 as a new regime in Miami. Cowher? 11-5 his maiden voyage in Pittsburgh. Gruden’s first year in Tampa? Super Bowl Champions.

Fresh eyes can make a world of difference, and what we saw today is more than something a few tweaks can remedy.   

Confucius Say “Don’t Fear Regime Change, Fear Sucky Football”

The great irony in fears that regime change would set the Dolphins back, is that the Trifecta’s only winning year was as a new regime. How did they manage an 11-5 season if such massive change is detrimental?

Come to think of it, how did Bill Cowher go 11-5 in his first year at the helm in Pittsburgh? How in the world did Jon Gruden win the Lombardi Trophy in his first year over in Tampa Bay?

Some have suggested, perhaps very recently via a local news outlet, that the regime isn’t the problem. Instead it’s our lack of a studly quarterback that is the issue. While having Tom Brady would certainly be nice, Cowher and Gruden braved their maiden seasons with Neil O’Donnell and Brad Johnson at the helm.

The Dolphins have the #3 overall defense in the NFL. Begging Mike Nolan to stay should be the first order of business for any new regime. If it ain’t broke, they say.

But is it that crazy to think this team could benefit from fresh eyes, and a new direction? Maybe someone who can hold out one (or more than one) of those magical rings and ask, “Do you want one of these, gentlemen? Do you really want one? If you don’t, then leave now, ’cause we’re about to ______ing go get us one.”

Sure, there could be a wrong way to blow things up in Davie. But that sure as hell doesn’t mean it can’t be done the right way.

GO DOLPHINS – and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

Week 16 Stock Report: As Detroit Drops in, DOW Dies Slow Death

DOW (Dolphins Overall Worth) after being trampled by Bills : 597 (-87)

ON THE RISE

BRANDON MARSHALL (NYSE: BMARSH) +2: Eleven catches for 106 yards and a touchdown. This was the type of stat line the Dolphins envisioned when they brought The Beast into the fold. Truth is, he’s caught a lot of passes this year. Sadly, the bulk of them have been pretty short throws. And even more sadly, he’s dropped a good handful. But no doubt, The Beast has an important place on this offense moving forward.

PAUL SOLIAI (NASDAQ: SOLI) +1 3/4: How can you not love what big Paul has done this season? The Dolphin defense shut down yet another running game this past weekend, holding Buffalo to 2.6ypc. It will be a sad day if the big man isn’t shown the money by the Sea Mammals. He has earned a nice contract. But we’ve also got Vontae and Wake waiting in the wings for raises. The bean counters are going to be getting a real workout this offseason.

TUMBLERS

DAN CARPENTER (NYSE: DCARP) -5: He’s been one of the best, so it’s hard to knock the guy. And we want to blame Sparano for leaning so hard on this kid from day one. Stalled drives and long range field goal attempts have been the bread and butter of the Sparano/Henning attack, and it was going to bite us on the blowhole sooner or later. Still, maybe he should have hit one of his four attempts, just to send it to overtime and make it at least seem like we intended to win.

DAN HENNING (NASDAQ: DHEN) -19:  Someone make it stop! In case you didn’t know, Buffalo is in the running for the worst rush defense in football. However, you certainly wouldn’t know it last weekend, when Miami’s vaunted duo of Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams rang up a grand total of 58 rushing yards. The collapse of our running game is officially a disgrace. We were #4 in the NFL last season.

TONY SPARANO (NYSE: TSPAR) -21: If Tony understood the urgency of the game last week, he certainly failed to convey it to his team. And if he did convey it, then the players aren’t listening. Either way it’s an epic fail. The division cellar dweller comes to town while we’re fighting to stay alive, and we blow it? If he’s lost the team, and if that shows over the next two weeks, Stephen Ross has no choice but to consider other options. The Tuna has left the building. This is a Bifecta, and one on increasingly shaky ground.

SUMMARY

Live by the 50-yard field goal, die by the 50-yard field goal. Another strong performance by Mike Nolan’s boys. Two of Buffalo’s scoring drives started in our territory. Yet again our offense sputtered, failing to reward our defense for its efforts. This has been the case all year. We’re not sure if Tony and Jeff are the guys who are going to “get ‘er done” in Miami. They, along with Parcells, have brought in many valuable pieces, but perhaps it will take “fresh eyes” to step in and make the needed changes.

The Dolphins are not a rebuild. We have a lot of very talented, young players. The Miami job would be highly coveted, in our opinion. But there is a growing handful of teams that may all be gunning for the same studly coaching candidates. Dallas just botched a Christmas night game against the lowly Cardinals. Jerry Jones may be coach shopping too, and Jerry’s used to getting what he wants.

Of course calls for Tom “Crazylegs” Coughlin’s head will start immediately if the Giants don’t reach the dance. And if the Chargers miss the playoffs, won’t they be looking for a new leader as well? Not a bad gig down there. A very winnable division, and a hell of a zoo just six minutes from team headquarters. Heck, the Giants and Chargers both have franchise quarterbacks. Remember what it felt like to have one of those?

We’ll have to see how many jobs come open when the smoke clears, but the 2011 coaching carousel is looking more and more like a seller’s market.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose

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DOW (Dolphins Overall Worth) heading to Oakland: 642 (-70)

ON THE RISE

KARLOS DANSBY (NASDAQ: KDAN) +3 3/4: Dansby has been playing at a Pro Bowl level. 10 tackles, 2 for a loss, and a sack. There have been some free agent misses by The Trifecta. Karlos certainly isn’t one of them.

CAMERON WAKE (NYSE: WAKE) +3: He was one of the precious few shining lights for the SoFlo Sea Mammals. He will spend the remainder of the season explaining to rival quarterbacks exactly why he deserves a generous raise.

MIKE NOLAN (NASDAQ: MNOL) +2: The Fins held the Bears to 268 total yards, remarkable considering how long this unit was left on the field by an anemic offense that didn’t live up to its end of the bargain.

CHAD HENNE (NYSE: CHENN) +1: Why? Because he’s the best quarterback we have. Why else? Because it looks very much like Tyler Thigpen is not a threat to keep this gig. Henne’s career stats are the almost identical, maybe a bit better than Mark Sanchez’s. He needs to improve, but Chad seems to have found himself on a team that doesn’t have the slightest idea what its identity is.

TUMBLERS

BILL PARCELLS (NYSE: TUNA) -6: Nice little special on the NFL Network. Word getting out that he’d like to “do this” again. What does that mean exactly? The Tuna is done in South Florida, even if he’s still taking Tony’s panicked phone calls. Just a little strange, to see him act as if the job here is complete.

TYLER THIGPEN (NASDAQ: THIG) -12: This was a disaster of an IPO. Thigpen looked like a college player out there. We were 1-11 on 3rd downs. If he plans to grab hold of the quarterback position, this was a hell of a way to start.

DAN HENNING (NASDAQ: DHEN) -18: Please God, make it stop! Somehow Henning spent the offseason taking the #4 rushing team in the NFL and rendering us completely unable to run the ball. A shutout? Really? Penny stock bin. Any minute now.

TONY SPARANO (NYSE: TSPAR) -21: The injuries have been absurd, but watch as Tony starts going for those 4th downs as our season winds down. Watch as he tries to forge ahead for touchdowns rather than trotting Dan Carpenter onto the field. Watch as he goes for the lead, rather than playing just to stay close. Question is, why do we have to be out of the playoff hunt for those things to start happening?

SUMMARY

A shutout? This was truly our last chance to stay in the hunt. Instead, we don’t even get off the bus? A goose egg, followed by a weekend watching the Steelers, Ravens, Jets and Patriots pull further ahead. The two Wild Cards are coming out of that quartet. Mark it down.

Owner Stephen Ross has an interesting couple of months ahead of him. Bill Parcells is as good as gone. The Tuna’s protege is 23-19 as Miami’s head coach, with a team in alarming disarray, clearly playing 3rd fiddle in the AFC East. Yet the Dolphins have a lot of talent, and a lot of youth. This is NOT a rebuild. This is not a shabby gig to fall into, and Ross would certainly have a lot of web traffic if he posted this gig on Monster.com.

gruden_j@espn.com: Hey U. Wondering if job still open? Resume attached. TTFN, Lucky Chucky.

bcowher1957@earthlink.net: Wussup? I would be gr8 4 this job. Hard to type with these rings on hand. Position still open?

robryan@clevelandbrowns.net: Hey Dude. Can’t w8 to beat my broz ass. Can I coach the Dolphinz pleez? We’ll crack skullz! Also, what is snack room like in Davie? LOL.

GO DOLPHINS, and feel free to follow us on Twitter @thebottlenose